#1
I dont know how I feel about this. It just happened and I'm scared ****less so this is going to be not a very polished piece. I'm probably just a complete pussy but damn, he was a scary bastard, and you dont expect it to happen, even when you do live right next to the city. damn.


11:33 PM June 25th. "Black People on Black Background."

My Mother was out in California and I was home alone.
The TV was showing a flashback VH1 special.
My window was open, but it has no screen, so bugs sometimes come in.
Michael Ian Black was recalling 2005
in some funny quip about FEMA and Katrina.
His voice was pressed against his mouth nice and tight.
I turned my head blankly and looked into the night.
Sloping down from my window there’s a hill that has plants and plots of bamboo
that winds down to the train line and the city sparkle beyond
those dark underpasses that the outer city bridges were built over.
My neighbor’s lights shone nice and bright
and reflected against the midnight dew
that dripped onto the ground.

“—tch, I hope you die, I hope you jump in front of it and die, you bitch”
“you motherfucker, I bet she was good, wasnt she, it’s over, get the fuck out of here”
“You’d love me to be gone wouldnt you, you fucking whore,
well, it’s fucking over, done, have a nice life”
“I was having a great life before you came in me” the rest of her voice was muffled
I heard noises for another ten seconds before I cut the power to my TV
and turned off all the lights. I wanted to know where they went. It was quiet.
I peeked my head out of my window so that only my eyes and forehead were showing,
then quickly pulled it back inside to hide from their voices and the leaves
rustling below my window. He was cursing and hitting the bamboo,
it made a hollow shriek each time he snapped a shoot, it started to rain slightly
adding to the splashes of the dew and you could hear her
crying softly by the trains, as they shot by every five minutes.
I hoped she didn’t jump, though maybe I wanted her to, one less sound to worry about.
He was underneath my window pacing up and down my backyard hill,
a small black man with no hair and a demon in him that told him he could crush steel
if he wanted to. There was so much hatred in his dark eyes.
He flung his hands wildly. I don’t believe in Christ, but I crossed myself a thousand times
that night, as a prayer that this animal wouldn’t
break in and kill me right then and there, mistake me for his lover, who may or may not be dead
and whose blood may or may not be on his voice.
And I was breathing heavy and crossing the hell out of my chest and he was pacing
and cursing the hell out of my backyard and she was crying again, down next to the train
and the world was turning and I was living and the neighbors were shining light on the dew
and everything.

But then something stopped. I don’t know if it was me, or them, or the dew itself,
but something stopped and the black man ran away into the darkness
and her crying stopped as a train went by and the neighbors lights turned off
and I was okay.

I slept that night too, I had a dream about a girl I knew.
My window was open, but it has no screen, so some bugs probably came in.
And I still don’t know if I want to those two punished or not,
for trespassing.
#3
idiots looking for racism will find racism here (there isn't any, really) but the distance which is inferred between yourself and the black man is potentially offensive (i'm sure that even the impression of some kind of southern-state kkk kid was partially in mind, what with the descriptions of christ and you running your hands over your chest). i don't think that's a problem, i just think you should be half-prepared for some idiot to post "er, racist? lolz"

I thought the first stanza was a well written set-up. it had that kind of randy story-telling feel whereby you're hanging between poetic lines and frantic imagery. unfortunatly, i think you lost it half-way through the second stanza.

i'm not sure, of course, but i think you experience the same kind of problem that i do, which is getting so caught up in the story/theme/descriptions of your piece that you just want to write write write and finish it and get everything out. I mean, i'm sure you can justify lines like "I hoped she didn’t jump, though maybe I wanted her to, one less sound to worry about.", but is that really a good line? It's hideous, as far as i'm concerned. Incredibly boring in terms of vocabulary, syntax is disgusting and it gives the reader some kind of 'pompous asshole' impression of the narrator. You could benefit from distancing yourself and critting your own pieces before you post them, because I can't help but feel that you would rip this apart, if it weren't yours.

"a demon in him"
"hatred in his dark eyes"
"crying again"

urgh, contrast those to the writing in the first stanza.

generally, i thought the idea was worthy of such a piece, and this repeating and referencing lines that you've written earlier on that you're beginning to do quite consistently to end pieces certainly has a future. the final stanza was quite beautiful, i just couldn't connect with the latter half of the second stanza. there were no knock-out lines or imagery, nothing was screaming out "YOU ARE HERE" and frantically rushing to the stands in rapid leaps to grab me a hotdog and brick it back down. there was no "haha, i know what he means there" humour, or, in it's place, no "god, i've felt that", it was just a series of plain descriptions that did absolutely nothing for me.

you have this incredible fierce talent as a writer, as you clearly know, but i don't think this is a very good piece, rather, it showcasts your ability to write something much better. but it's up to you to make that happen.

I could be way off. Who knows? People will probably love this. I usually disagree with everyone around here. Anyway, i did enjoy it.

#4
Quote by skagitup


you have this incredible fierce talent as a writer, as you clearly know, but i don't think this is a very good piece, rather, it showcasts your ability to write something much better. but it's up to you to make that happen.

I could be way off. Who knows? People will probably love this. I usually disagree with everyone around here. Anyway, i did enjoy it.



+1ed.

I don't really feel I can go in-depth on this one as Alex makes a lot of sense.

I'll stick to reading your blog for the time being.

Ftw.
#6
i hate to be the odd one out, but i just didn't feel this as much as i have your more recent works. (i know i don't have alot of evidence, seeing as how i don't comment very often)

i was digging until about midway through the second section. it wasn't the writing that was off; it was the sheer depiction of the whole thing. it reminded me of(please don't take offense; this is just to further the point) a scared young boy, who calls the cops because he witnessed an african american couple fighting in his yard. and he's recollecting the events as they occurred frantically while the cop is listening incoherently because he's thinking "it's not that big of a deal. i wonder what's on t.v. right now?"

i also hate to be the 2nd referral to a previous post, but it's just like Alex said: you've got a very special talent for the way that you write. and it's just like you stated in the header: this event just happened, and you wrote them down as is - naked as human events are fashioned sometimes.
just because i didn't dig this, doesn't mean that the next to come along isn't going to.
so, good job; but not great. or better said - "not your usual."
sorry i couldn't offer much insight.
if i failed at making sense, feel free to contact me.
- Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
I hate to be an echo, but its exactly as everyone has said. It's "too raw." There is nothing there to set this apart from just being a random story that rambled out of someone during a drunken conversation. This is no where near the caliber you can produce. It really doesn't showcase any of your talents for "witty snippets" and punchy impactful lines. Everything is just there.
#8
edit: never mind, I shouldn't have posted this so early after the event. I'm sorry, it wasnt a good piece and I didn't mean to waste your time. I didnt actually want crits on this I guess, just wanted to share it, wanted to tell someone. I'm sorry, thats not what this website is for and I very well know that.

And I apologize, I'm inebriated, and I truly thank all of you for all of your words, they are very well received and I really really appreciate all of you even taking the time to check it out. So thank you all, Alex, Jamie, Jared, Kent (grats on WOTM by the way), and Zackkk.

I was going to add another paragraph or two of some sort of bull**** but I'm deciding to sleep instead.

Thank you all for reading, really.



edit: I didnt mean to attack anyone in the first part, mostly just talking to myself. I'm a poor excuse for a drunk. But then I changed it, so it's okay.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 27, 2008,
#9
this is ugly. it looks ugly on the page, and the thoughts are ugly.
you might work on the line breaks to
give it a cleaner look as needed.
just slightly within
the first section
but primarily
in the final.

blocking the last section
more like poetry
will allow it
to resolve
a bit.

i enjoyed the continuity
of the screen/bugs
in the first and last
and trespassing
was gold.
Meadows
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#11
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
this is ugly. it looks ugly on the page, and the thoughts are ugly.

you might work on the line breaks to
give it a cleaner look as needed.
just slightly within
the first section
but primarily
in the final.

blocking the last section
more like poetry


first section: what does any of that mean? unpolished, wrong, or just... ugly? Did you mean to phrase the last part differently? As I would take offense to you calling thoughts themselves "ugly," it just doesnt seem fitting.

second section: okay, cool. But I chose the line breaks when I did to keep it natural. There werent pauses. But yeah, I see what you mean, and I agree.

third section: hmm? elaborate please?

Thanks for checking it out though SYK, much appreciated, I'm just a little confused at a few things you said (and if I understand you I wholly disagree ). Thanks a lot though,


---
Alex, I was in the process of returning your crit this morning, but then I went to eat and never came back to it


anyone else have any links they want me to check out?