#1
leave a link, if you don't leave a link in your post to a specific thread I will not critique you. I can't be assed to go scavenging the forum or your signature.
Thanks in advance.

Also, be happy.


An Ideal Something Or Other.

A soft hand to finger,
palms forward, knees back...; we execute
every stance, these
mechnical little movements. we
accept the peace and silence of bonding,
We play tapes of water
gently moving foliage
from one end of the pond
to another.
A treefrog croaks,
A house wren sings,
while we sit
on a leather loveseat
listening
to each other breathe.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jun 26, 2008,
#2
Wow. That was really really nice. I liked the positioning of the line breaks right the way through except for the last three lines, which seemed to me to be broken up a little randomly ... I'd maybe say "While we sit / on a leather loveseat / listening / to each other breathe" but I'm far from an expert and my opinion is probably not particularly relevant; perhaps you have a reason for breaking these last three lines up the way you did. I especially liked the imagery and the way you built up the peaceful, tranquil scene with the bird singing and so on.

I don't really like the title though, but I'm not sure what you could change it to ...

That's pretty much all I have to contribute, mine's here.
#3
The imagery in the middle was great. Extremely simple, but effective. You also expressed the "mechanical movements" very well in the use of quirky punctuation at the top of the piece; something that I actually felt benefit you here, rather than detract. The somewhat standard imagery towards the end also extended the first half into the second.

One thing I would say is maybe just build up that frustrated tension a little bit more. Like "to the other, and back" would be something I'd put in, just to add a little extra to the feeling. It's a short piece to convey such (what I feel) frustration and tediousness, so I think any extra phrasing you can add will give it a bit more of an edge.

I'd also think of splitting it into two after "bonding". The two unique ideas will come across much stronger seperately than as a single entity, I feel.

So, yeah. I've quite enjoyed your last few, Matt.

Top link in my sig if you could. It would be appreciated.

#4
Quote by Something_Vague
leave a link, if you don't leave a link in your post to a specific thread I will not critique you. I can't be assed to go scavenging the forum or your signature.
Thanks in advance.

Also, be happy.


An Ideal Something Or Other.

A soft hand to finger,
palms forward, knees back...; we execute
I hated the elipses, seemed to be there just for the hell of it and really took me out of the image.
every stance, these
mechnical little movements. we
Brilliant use of enjambment to emphasize. Everyone should take note.
accept the peace and silence of bonding,
End stop here? oh and I would prefer quiet instead of silence but quiet isnt what you mean and you are purposefully messing with the phrase so...
We play tapes of water
gently moving foliage
from one end of the pond
to another.
this seemed more perfect than the rest, and more layed out and plodding. If there was another clause you could add to the sentiment I think it would balance out better, it just stuck out because it was so small (the section from "We" to "Another") that it felt unfinished and unconnected with the following image. Eh, probably just me.
A treefrog croaks,
A house wren sings,
while we sit
on a leather loveseat
listening
to each other breathe.
rest is great


Overall, I'm nitpicking. I loved it.

Doesnt merit a crit but just a quick comment if you have time: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894470
#5
Honestly, I think my favorite part was the way you broke up the last three lines. I might be looking too much into it, but the breaks create (to me) a little pause before and after the word listening, which works very well with the word, almost causing the reader to stop and listen. I also really like the way you changed up the length of different phrases with the commas, some statements being very short (ie: "palms forward, knees back") and others being much longer. The description of the sounds on the tape were very creative as well.

I do have to agree with Malakian though, the title isn't really doing it for me.

Oh, and here is a link to one of mine for you to crit, if it so pleases you.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894237
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jun 27, 2008,
#6
the title did it for me.
i also think you ended it on a perfect note; any more and i would've barfed.(just kidding.)

i have to agree with Dylan as far as the elipses go; but the rest makes up for it quite well. you managed to set a mood in this that i believe everyone would strive to have at least once with their significant other.
i don't really have much to offer; seeing as how i'm late getting to the dinner table on this one, and there's not much leftover to go around. i'm just taking it for what it is, and i love it.
thanks for the read.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Beautiful.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching