#1
Without the last verse/stanza I dislike the fact that I wrote this pretty intensely. With it, I'm half and half. I know there's room for improvement. They're like Death Metal or Grindcore lyrics, but I'd like to think they're more metaphorical and hopefully more thought provoking than Napalm Death lyrics are. Then again, I've been to Napalm Death gigs, and well...

Rip it up.


A pungent haze;
bitter and brazed flesh
rises from his open chest
to meet your praise

your eyes are reflecting gas mask smiles
and torture trials,
holding back the choke.

The scalpel tugs up at the gap
between the layers of skin and fat,
to the ruby blot upon the blade
your eyes are jeweller’s booby traps.

Shock-stained. Not again.
His eyes vociferous;
speak of more than pain.
His locked jaw cracks
from blustered rage;
just more delight in to your reign.

Scalpel snaps; a mindless crack.
Surgical shavings clot surgical gaps.
In corrosive drains minds lock in combat;

Bow and the audience will clap.





Oh... and new title suggestions would be welcome, this one just makes me think of Pantera.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jun 26, 2008,
#2
Heh, I can tell you're English like me just from your vocabulary.

To be honest, these lyrics would be wasted on Grindcore/Death Metal etc. They read more like a poem (and the fact that you use the word "stanza" reinforces this).
Not to overgeneralise, but the majority of grindcore fans aren't going to appreciate words like "pungent".
Keep writing.
#3
I agree, these lyrics are too poetic to be turned into something indecipherable.

Quote by DigUpHerBones


A pungent haze;
bitter and brazed flesh
rises from his open chest
to meet your praise

Very good start. No criticisms here.

your eyes are reflecting gas mask smiles
and torture trials,
holding back the choke.

Even nicer.

The scalpel tugs up at the gap
between the layers of skin and fat,
to the ruby blot upon the blade
your eyes are jeweller’s booby traps.

The 1st and 3rd lines are stronger than the 2nd and 4th, I feel, but it still fits together well.

Shock-stained. Not again.
His eyes vociferous;
speak of more than pain.
His locked jaw cracks from blustered rage;
just more delight in to your reign.

I really love the first line, but I'm not sure about the word blustered at the end.

Scalpel snaps; a mindless crack.
Surgical shavings clot surgical gaps.
In corrosive drains minds lock in combat;
Bow and the audience will clap.

Third line feels a little awkward flow-wise.


Quote by DigUpHerBones
Oh... and new title suggestions would be welcome, this one just makes me think of Pantera.


Gas mask smiles. Definitely. My favourite line.

This was a fairly unsubstantial crit, so feel no need, but if you get a chance, could you check out mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894664
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#4
Heh, I can tell you're English just from your vocabulary.

To be honest, these lyrics are an interesting twist on Grindcore/Death Metal etc. They read almost like a poem (and the fact that you use the word "stanza" reinforces this).
Not to overgeneralise, but the majority of grindcore fans will be stunned by words like "pungent".



A pungent haze;
bitter and brazed flesh
rises from his open chest
to meet your praise
i'm undecided about the bitter/brazed interplay
praise felt odd.


your eyes are reflecting gas mask smiles
and torture trials,
holding back the choke.

The scalpel tugs up at the gap
between the layers of skin and fat,
to the ruby blot upon the blade
your eyes are jeweller’s booby traps.
booby traps feels completely out of place.

Shock-stained. Not again.
His eyes vociferous;
vociferous is a bit of a stretch.
high-brow vocab
and assignment of a different sense attribute
all in the same move.
the next line is just dumbing it down.
consider changing to speak volumes
and going a different way on the following line.

speak of more than pain.
His locked jaw cracks from blustered rage;
just more delight in to your reign.

Scalpel snaps; a mindless crack.
Surgical shavings clot surgical gaps.
In corrosive drains minds lock in combat;
mixed emotions on the repetition of surgical.
it's not horrible. but it doesn't bang hard.


Bow and the audience will clap.



interesting use of rhyme scheme / near rhymes.
the AbBA pattern in the first
signals you're gonna do as you please throughout.
i'm not into this genre.
but this is far more inventive
than the few others i've read.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
Other than the repetition of 'surgical', I'm with you completely. I don't, as a rule, like this kind of stuff, but decided I'd write something as wonderfully twisted as I could and it warped in to this. I have a weekend that I'm devoting to writing though, so I'm going to have a proper good look and see what I can make from this. There's more depth I want to put in here and more editing I want to do to what already is here.

Care to comment on your overall feeling of it?
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Well I think you already knew I liked it, but I wouldn't qualify myself to crit it. And I think everyone has got it all covered otherwise .
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I once wore that shirt and it got me so many bitches my penis got a rash from gropage.
#7
to the ruby blot upon the blade

i love that line. its so phonetically gorgeous.


just thought i'd let ya know.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#8
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Other than the repetition of 'surgical', I'm with you completely.
that's good, then. i was lukewarm about the repetition. if you're not with me on that, you're convinced one way or the other.
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Care to comment on your overall feeling of it?
not a chance, Bones. this niche really puts me off. it's more overtly sinister. i can't be objective about it. i'm more at home with the secluded dark-side, when i choose to go there. psycho-killer, emo kid, Vincent Price sort of stuff.

let me know when you revise. i'm still interested in seeing how this progresses.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
Quote by DigUpHerBones


Rip it up.


A pungent haze;
bitter and brazed flesh
rises from his open chest
to meet your praise

your eyes are reflecting gas mask smiles
and torture trials,
holding back the choke.

The scalpel tugs up at the gap
between the layers of skin and fat,
to the ruby blot upon the blade
your eyes are jeweller’s booby traps.

Shock-stained. Not again.
His eyes vociferous;
speak of more than pain.
His locked jaw cracks
from blustered rage;
just more delight in to your reign.

Scalpel snaps; a mindless crack.
Surgical shavings clot surgical gaps.
In corrosive drains minds lock in combat;

Bow and the audience will clap.






Okay, I'm going to critique this stream of conciously, because thats how I critiqued two years ago and I miss it. Apologies for anything uncalled for and I will treat the piece as how you described it; written intensely and grincoreish with more meaning. Okay, first stanza was weird, I can tell this isnt going to be like anything I've critiqued in ages, so bear with me.

The first line read weird, pungent isnt very nice in terms of flow, it's ugly, and haze, in my opinion is too redolent of Hendrix (just what my mind thought). I thought the image overall here worked, I just wish the first line was nicer sounding. Oh, and scrap the semicolon, it provides a pause that you don't want with the rhyme scheme you chose. Bitter and brazed are likewise, both harsh sounds, if there was a way to soften them so as to create a contrast between the subject and sound the effect would be awesome. Next line is great. Don't know what "to meet his praise" means, honestly, and I tried to figure it out, I have no freaking clue. Seems you just said it to rhyme while having a vague sense of purpose and meaning. But I don't think that meaning is clear enough here.

First line is ****ed up but works for the effect you're going for. I like that you didnt line break early here and let the thought finish. And the line break after was well placed. Again I dont have any idea what the last line even means and the fact that choke is bigger is silly and pretentious. Let the words speak for themselves.

The next part made me laugh. Gore is funny. Um, it was pretty simple, that is what the scalpel is doing. Um, no comment on this stanza, it was weird and ****ed up.

"Not again." what the heck does that mean? And vociferous was weird and completely different than every other word in the piece. You get forcefully metaphorical here. "Speak of more than pain" just reeks of telling the audience what to think. Can rage be blustered? I dunno, I'm just asking. The last line made sense, but I still think it was forged for the rhyme (which is pretty cool by the way, your rhyme scheme here, and I admire you for that). Why is this stanza longer than the others? I think if the stanzas had a similar length and rhyme the piece would hold together better.

The rest was cool, and worked. The last line I couldnt make heads or tails of and really did seem just tacked on because you hadnt brought any imagery like that up prior.

Sorry, if I said anything that was wrong or I didnt mean.

Good for what it was.



if you want: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894470
#10
Thanks for the crit, and bumparoo.

This was absolutely disgusting. Awesome job. I felt like I was in the operating room holding the scalpel. The only thing I'm unsure about is the last line, I felt like it could have been a more dramatic ending (or the same ending worded differently). Still I really enjoyed the rhyme and rhythm of this one.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#12
Quote by ZanasCross
Hey kiddo,

I owe you a ton. I haven't read ths yet, but I'll get back to you. Just blackdotting to remind me. I'll edit it in here soon.


Nah, please don't bother and comment something else whenever I get round to posting it. I was going to let this drop for while. I'm going to get back to it myself at some point and make what I intended it to mean when writing it far clearer, as only one person seems to have understood it so far, and they don't read poetry!

So yeah, I need to layer it more as I have things in mind I want to add, though I'm not going to bow to ^^ and layer it more obviously. I actually am really surprised at the lack of similar interpretation to my own though, so I'm going to have another look at it.

Then again, if you don't just see this as a gore scene a passing comment or two would be welcome.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#13
I'm not going to give a huge criticism on this. I don't want to. But I will say, I think it would suit a Death Metal song very well, even Grindcore. I don't believe in writing something to 'fit' music and the way society portrays that sound, I believe you should write something to 'fit' your sound (your band) or just the way you write music for personal pleasure; not because it sounds like another band you know and like.

BTW, it will be awesome in a Pantera song!