#1
blah, blah, blah. balls.


before i have my effing baby

i'm a hooker
with a heart of gold,
a long list of clientele,
and very low rates.
irresistible.
your smile's not like sunshine,
but your hair smells like rain,
so give me the word-
the fucking word-
and i'll drop my pants on command.

shattered habits
are a tricky business.
its not easy to control
what's out of your control.
so i bluntly remain,
an addict,
a slut,
a failure in the eyes of...


not finished. maybe.
when birds flap their wings do the make believe they're really arms?
#2
before i have my effing baby

i'm a hooker
with a heart of gold,
blah.
a long list of clientele,
and very low rates.
having the line about rates
ending in affordable
might play nicely with the next line.

irresistible.
your smile's not like sunshine,
but your hair smells like rain,
i liked this pair.
so give me the word-
the fucking word-
i disliked this pair.
and i'll drop my pants on command.

shattered habits
are a tricky business.
its not easy to control
what's out of your control.
losing all control
might be a nice way to twist this.

so i bluntly remain,
an addict,
a slut,
a failure in the eyes of...


idk, ray. not really feelin' it, as much as i'd like to.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#3
I think it's the flow and lack of rhyme where it's asking for rhyme.

Read it out loud and you will probably see what I mean. Second stanza I felt was worded oddly. Watch you're grammar and punctuation, too.

Didn't have the zing I expected.

G'luck, ray.
#4
Quote by hope's downfall
blah, blah, blah. balls.


before i have my effing baby

i'm a hooker
with a heart of gold,
I agree with SYK. Boooooring.
a long list of clientele,
and very low rates.
irresistible.
Felt really out of place, grammatically and rhythmically.
your smile's not like sunshine,
but your hair smells like rain,
This is the first rhyme we see, alllllll the way over here. And it's a slant rhyme too. The less you rhyme, the less connection your lines have.
so give me the word-
the fucking word-
You end with the same word, and the lines share the same thought, but one line is shorter. That's a problem, because the repitition is forced and sloppy. And swearing isn't something you just toy around with. It has to be done right. You mind as well change the entire line to "****".
and i'll drop my pants on command.
Playful. Dunno if that was your aim or not.

shattered habits
are a tricky business.
its not easy to control
what's out of your control.
That just felt silly.
so i bluntly remain,
an addict,
a slut,
Make these two lines one, and put the word "and" between them.
a failure in the eyes of...
my disease-ridden.... errr.... i dunno...


not finished. maybe.


I just couldn't get into it. Sorry.
#5
i'm a hooker
with a heart of gold,
i personally love this. the person i imagine in the title
and this person clash, which grabs my interest straight away.

a long list of clientele,
and very low rates.
irresistible.
your smile's not like sunshine,
but your hair smells like rain,
i like this bit too, not only is the imagery great
but it adds a sensitive depth to the character

so give me the word-
the ****ing word-
this sort of redeems that last bit, which is unfortunate,
it gives an unneccasary spikiness. i spelt that wrong.

and i'll drop my pants on command.

shattered habits
are a tricky business.
its not easy to control
what's out of your control.
"what you can't control"
might be better than that last line
less wordy

so i bluntly remain,
an addict,
a slut,
a failure in the eyes of...
overall, i loved it. can't quite grasp a specific meaning but i love the vibe.
i like your writing. its all very moving.
very tony parsons
please may you crit my latest?
ta love
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#6
This has quite a bit of potential. There are a lot of solid lines and ideas that make you go "wow, she's balls out about this." (www.instantrimshot.com)

However, there wasn't much zip to it. It sort of dragged along... and to be honest, I didn't really feel any emotion from this. To end on something that should be so emotional as "a failure in the eyes of..." and to be going through this "I want to change but can't" type thing... I feel like I should be listening to someone who is weeping this out, but instead it feels too cool and calm. Normally, your pieces live, breathe, and thrive on the emotion that comes through them, the emotion that is so thick I can taste it... but here, It just needs soemthing to make it more personal.