#1
Crits returned.
If you post a link.


All my friends are orange.

Its always a rainy day
with my personal stormcloud;
the lightning looks the same,
but the thunder sounds
a lot more like
buttons, clicking.
Every raindrop is
another privy pixel
stole to the press.

Solidified dreams;
on newstands everywhere.

From where wishes are
vouge and vain,
to where they're real
from gloss to paper.
Past the asphalt smell
of photographers and
the funk of
thousand dollar plastic,
in the sea of orange.

My solidified dream;
on newstands everywhere.
#2
sea of orange refers to fake tan right?

If not this gives me an idea
Quote by elliott FTW
I LOVE YOU SLOGANKID
silly racist bitch finally kicked the bucket

#3
Pete, i'm just going to tell you exactly what's bugging me instead of the good things; seeing as how everything else is pretty much great, cool?

omit "from" in the first line of the second stanza.
"vogue."
i'm not really sure about the third and fourth lines. they're worded in a very awkward fashion. i'll let you be the judge on them.
that's really all i've got for right now. i'll be back to read this several times, so i'll edit anything else i spot, in.
good job, Pete.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
From where wishes are
vouge and vain,
to where they're real
from gloss to paper.


this is an extremely complicated structure.

from here, to there

here = where wishes are vogue and vain
there = where they're real from gloss to paper

that second from-to link adds a layer of complexity.
the first time it appears you're indicating distance, difference.
the second time the distance is minute
and the intimate relationship between gloss and paper
gets shadowed by the disparity between photographic record
and popularity politics.

from this one might assume you mean gloss
is simply an accentuation of the lie on the paper
and the vogue/vanities just another layer of gloss.

it's a microcosm within a microcosm.
the fakest of fake tans.


... or something like that.
Meadows
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I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 27, 2008,
#5
Slogankid: You're absolutely right.

Kent: Thanks for your suggestions. Only problem is the things that bugged you were the most crucial things in the piece. They're what took it somewhere.

SYK: Those four lines were the most debated in the whole piece. I'm glad you took the time to really look into them. The word "gloss" has a double meaning, for sure. You took the slightly more complicated route with it. It also has a much more physical meaning. =D
#6
The one thing that really bothered me on the first read was the line "solidified dreams". I really, really like the idea you are going for with it, but the word 'solidified just doesn't work for me. Maybe "paper dreams" or just "solid dreams" or something like that would sound better to me. Otherwise, it is impeccable.
#7
Its always a rainy day
with my personal stormcloud;
the lightning looks the same,
but the thunder sounds
a lot more like
buttons, clicking.
Every raindrop is
another privy pixel
stole to the press.
i like the way the words came out in this last stanza...painted a clear picture
Solidified dreams;
on newstands everywhere.
like it
From where wishes are
vouge and vain,
to where they're real
from gloss to paper.
sounded good
Past the asphalt smell
of photographers and
the funk of
thousand dollar plastic,
in the sea of orange.
i felt as something was lacking from this one....like you where trying to hurry up and fit this one.......the idea is there but the wording was a bit short....and change funk please
My solidified dream;
on newstands everywhere.

over all..i say this could be beautiful with some work
Reaching for the sun
one may forget
the feet which
ground him
#8
Quote by my name is Pete
Crits returned.
If you post a link.


All my friends are orange.

Its always a rainy day
with my personal stormcloud;
the lightning looks the same,
Same as what? When you make a comparison complete the comparison . I'm intrigued but using the word "always" means that there is a lot of pressure for this piece to be really profound and encapsulating. Always means that it consumes your life, it is your life really, so if it really is literally always a rainy day then something really terrible has to be causeing it, and if not, I, as the reader, am possibly going to be really dissapointed. Point is, for this and other reasons, blanket words like "always" and "forever" are evil. So if I can be deleted or replaced I think it would be better. Like focus in on a time period, even "recently" would be an improvement. If not, and it really just sets the tone of the piece perfectly in your mind then thats cool too. Just what came to mind when I read it. I'll stop rambling now.
but the thunder sounds
a lot more like
buttons, clicking.
cool. Again, the comparison (to what?) is confusing me, but I like this section a lot.
Every raindrop is
another privy pixel
stole to the press.
lots of sound, on a first read it sounded eh and confused me. Everything up to this point has been soft and simple. "Privy" and "Pixel" are neither and it got me caught up in contrast to the smooth flow you had established. The alliteration, in short, was too much for me right here. I also got confused, again, on first read, on what the pixel was representing. I got it, but I think simplicity would be your friend here by just saying exactly what you mean.

Solidified dreams;
on newstands everywhere.
Since this is serving as a transition I'll be lenient on it, but something had better explain to me how something as magical and ethereal as raindrops and a storm that follows you is really "solidified" actually, scratch that, I guess it is. But still, that pixel part through me off, I'm really not sure what either of us are talking about any more. Insert a reminder of what those solidified dreams mean or are here, or just attach this to the previous stanza so we know you're talking about the same thing you just were talking about.

From where wishes are
vouge and vain,
to where they're real
from gloss to paper.
good before and after example of what the previous part was about. Cool.
Past the asphalt smell
of photographers and
the funk of
thousand dollar plastic,
in the sea of orange.
sea of orange pissed me off. I thought it was a terrible phrase and just sounded bad. The rest was good and worked very well.

My solidified dream;
on newstands everywhere.


so, overall, some bullet points:
-I'm still not sure I'm sold on the "always" but it worked out better than I thought it would
-keep it simple and make sure your audience knows what the piece is about, you can use metaphor and be as artsy as much as you want, just make sure we know what it relates to at all time. I **** this up alot (not making a comparison, just noting).
-keep the tone steady throughout. I felt like you almost switched voices in the middle from nice and peaceful and dreamy to someone preaching a speech about society. I don't care which one you choose but choose one and make sure, 100% sure, that the piece follows it.
-what was the purpose of the first stanza if you never come back to any of the ideas or imagery present there. if it's not important to really keep as a common theme throughout the piece, why start with it?
-"sea of orange" didnt sound good to my eyes.


Overall though, pretty cool stuff, just work on consistency. It was a pleasure reading to be sure. If you see one of mine floating around don't be afraid to leave a comment about how much I suck.

#9
Skaliveson: Thanks.

bigbirdfan: Aww, I like "funk." It's something that made it a little more personal for me.

synth: I had the first "solidfied dreams" line attached to the previous stanza originally, but it didn't sit right with me.. so I felt it had to be changed. As far as the comparisons in the first stanza, I was comparing it to a real stormcloud. While I didn't just out and say it, I figured that since I didn't state what else I was comparing it to, there was only one possible choice.. lol. That's not wordy.

And yeah, I can change sea of orange. That was a last minute addition. lol

Thanks for all your comments. ^^
#10
Quote by my name is Pete
Skaliveson: Thanks.

bigbirdfan: Aww, I like "funk." It's something that made it a little more personal for me.

synth: I had the first "solidfied dreams" line attached to the previous stanza originally, but it didn't sit right with me.. so I felt it had to be changed. As far as the comparisons in the first stanza, I was comparing it to a real stormcloud. While I didn't just out and say it, I figured that since I didn't state what else I was comparing it to, there was only one possible choice.. lol. That's not wordy.

And yeah, I can change sea of orange. That was a last minute addition. lol

Thanks for all your comments. ^^


I think in this one spot you do need to specify the comparison to an actual storm because there are a number of things one could think that you are comparing it to, I think, though I'm probably in the minory. However, it is generally better to be on the safe side when it comes to your audience understanding something. Completely up to you though, and I actually like this piece much better in this read through then when I critiqued it. It's probably because I'm so tired now, but still. Good work.

If you wouldn't mind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=896108

#11
Dylan did you hard, so I'll just say;

glad to see you using contemporary themes and ideas.

And that you've improved several-fold since my first read of you. Make sure you continue to write in the way you want to, and don't try to conform to anything that isn't true to your roots.

Keep it up, Petey. Wotm will come calling soon, I guarentee.
#12
Quote by my name is Pete

Its always a rainy day
with my personal stormcloud;
the lightning looks the same,
but the thunder sounds
a lot more like
buttons, clicking.
Every raindrop is
another privy pixel
stole to the press.

I don't like "stole". Stolen by? Given, bought, sold, *****d out to, whatever. I just think it need to change from that. Bugs me. Other than that, this stanza is amazing.

Solidified dreams;
on newstands everywhere.

I would've used a different word to solidified, but I see what you're getting at.

From where wishes are
vouge and vain,
to where they're real
from gloss to paper.
Past the asphalt smell
of photographers and
the funk of
thousand dollar plastic,
in the sea of orange.

The "funk" line is kinda weak. Personally, I'd have used the word "stench". But the rest of this stanza gets the point across very nicely and has some very original description.
My solidified dream;
on newstands everywhere.

I liked the variation here.


Overall, I really liked it. Good work. If you wouldn't mind critting mine:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=896212
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

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Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

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LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#14
Seems Dylan raped you.... without lube. Thus, I'll just toss in some comments and thoughts and not break it down so hardcore.

So, for lack of better way to put this, this was my least favorite from you. Your writing, technically, has improved dramatically since you got here a few months ago. But to me, this just didn't have an zip. The line breaks really hurt my reading experience. Some of them just seemed to soon, others seemed out of place, etc etc... Beyond all that, I just didn't feel like you really made the idea work for you. I really liked some parts though. Your first couplet was amazing. I loved "funk."

This just doesn't feel like its fully developed yet. Feels lacking. I'd recommend you give it a few weeks and then come back to this and re-attack the same idea. It feels like it could be much better than it is. Oh, and I hated orange too.

All that said, its still better than most of what's on this site. I've just come to expect more from you.

#15
this seems interesting, if I'm interpreting the song right I like it, but I would use more intense adjectives, especially with the word Funk, it's also a type of music, the point isn't quite conveyed, maybe the foul or the stench or something with more of a prevailing emotion... I like it though... and I hate to beg but no one has said anything about my song so can you critique it?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=897200
#16
ok first off. i guess i have to say.. Dylan really ate your ****... because... well eveyrone said so. who's dylan.? lol.

Its always a rainy day
with my personal stormcloud;
lol cute 2 lines. funny.
the lightning looks the same,
but the thunder sounds
mm lightning and thunder seem so gaudy. and to listen to them or see them just isnt enough.
a lot more like
buttons, clicking.meh.
Every raindrop is
another privy pixel
stole to the press.
mm dont get the stole part. maybe sold. would be better? either way never th less stole jsut doenst seem to fit.

Solidified dreams;
on newsstands everywhere.
ACk. i'm indifferent. i think you would do better not to have this part at all.

From where wishes are
vouge and vain,
to where they're real
from gloss to paper.
i like the 4 lones.
Past the asphalt smell
i'm in diffrent. to this. i think that.. asphalt smells good lol. i think this just throws me off from the first 4 lines
of photographers and

the funk of
thousand dollar plastic,
in the sea of orange.
uh.. dont get the sea of orange.


My solidified dream;
on newstands everywhere.
i think this serves as a better closer then a transition

Uhh... sorry to take so long to get back to you. iono if id id get back to you? it might have been months ago. or maybe i did get back to you.. mmm what ever but you did crit. one of mine and i was lookin back at old pieces that i did. and i saw your's and i wasnt sure whetehr ei got back to you or not. so i did any ways just for the hell of it. lol mm.. crit one of mine if u want? exept million miles you already did that one. XP thx mate. pretty solid over all. what really pissed me off though was your lines are so damn short. lol. and that you have so many of them just.. really bothered me.
It's not stalking to watch her sleep if she fell asleep watching a movie.
a silly wind
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(='.'=) LoNg LivE tHe BunNy!
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