#1
i got to knowing a girl
who owned a
small flat just
around the corner
from
covent garden

beautiful thing,
she was
light hair
dark brows
threaded over
eyes that
lit up a
man
and promised
a future
that was damn sure
never to work

they'd lash out
these men
they'd smash that
damn flat
to pieces
and leave her
on her knees
gripping
shards
of something
that once had
meaning
holding it
to her chest
like a girl with
a doll.

and most nights
when she was alone
she'd womb up
by the window,
open it
ever so slightly
and whisper
"is there anybody
out there?"
to the
crowded street
below

and
this particular time
that is representative
of most
the only
reaction
was that
of one elderly
man
that she swore she'd
seen before
who gazed up
for a second
met her eyes
and walked
on
as if
he knew
those
promises
weren't meant
for anyone
but
her.


o.t.s, c4c.
Last edited by skagitup at Jun 27, 2008,
#2
Pre indepth crit thoughts: Holy crap dude, I can say right now, I love this... I love this. Let's get to the crit.

Quote by skagitup
i got to knowing a girl
who owned a
small flat just
around the corner
from
covent garden

Can't complain about the way this stanza is broken up. It doesn't flow amazingly well but it does work. Nothing really special in this stanza but as I have come to find out, you don't need special words to tell an amazing story.


beautiful thing,
she was
light hair
dark brows
threaded over
eyes that
lit up a
man
and promised
a future
that was damn sure
never to work

Again, simple words but you manage to make them soar. This is one of my favorite stanzas. "Threaded over eyes that lit up a man" is beautiful. Also starts telling some of the story that will shape this poem. Good stuff!

they'd lash out
these men
they'd smash that
damn flat
to pieces
and leave her
on her knees
gripping
shards
of something
that once had
meaning
holding it
to her chest
like a girl with
a doll.

At this point, I was assuming you weren't using apostrophes but, I have seen some earlier so, if it's possible, you might want to insert one after "they'd lash out". Nothing really to complain about here. Beautiful imagery. Paints a picture effortlessly.

and most nights
when she was alone
she'd womb up
by the window,
open it
ever so slightly
and whisper
"is there anybody
out there?"
to the
crowded street
below

This is my favorite stanza. I'm not quite sure I've ever heard the term "she'd womb up" but even though it sounds foreign, it sounds familiar. I think you know what I mean. The painting of her whispering out a slightly cracked window is just beautifully awesome man... Augh, great GREAT stuff. Whispering into a large crowd hoping that someone will hear her. I love this. I love this.

and
this particular time
that is representative
of most
the only
reaction
was that
of one elderly
man
that she swore
she'd seen
before
who gazed up
for a second
met her eyes
and walked
on
as if
he knew
those
promises
weren't meant
for anyone
but
her.

The only part in this stanza that threw me a bit and I had to read a few times was "and this particular time that is representative of most" yet, after a few reads, I guess it works. We'll see what others say. Other than that I really like this too. The old man stands to illustrate how foolish young men in love can be. Here we have this man full of life experience seeing through the veil that is love. And all she wants to do is love. Beautiful man.

o.t.s, c4c.


After crit thoughts: I still love this. There's nothing really more to say. Beautiful, powerful, strong, good. It's just plain amazing. I envy you my friend. I feel like I'm sucking up now... I'll stop.

If you want to crit mine you can but don't feel pressured.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894456
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Portugal. The Man »–
Last edited by jasonmetal love at Jun 27, 2008,
#3
This
seemed
like
prose
with
lots
of
line
breaks
.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
i was put off by the sporadic punctuation, particularly with the commas.

you throw one down at the end of S2L1, but leave L2 open ended.
a period would probably be appropriate there.

S3 is open ended for the first two lines. It probably needs the same treatment.

S4 should have commas at the end of its first two lines.
there are several other omissions. but honestly, if you cba, why should i?
i suggest either fully use punctuation or don't.
using it without a consistent pattern is annoying.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#5
there are only commas when the text could potentially be interpreted differently if they were not there

each comma/absence of comma has been carefully considered and i find it mildly offensive of you to suggest that i "cba"

whether what i did is right or wrong is a different issue entirely - i'm sure i could wade through cummings' work and dispute his placement of punctuation from time to time, but suggesting that it's because he couldn't be bothered is quite a horrific thing to say, really.

thanks, everyone.
#6
I'll go ahead and be blatantly honest, Alex. Just so you are warned.

I didn't enjoy this at all. I tried too... but I just couldn't dig it. Like Dig said, this was prose. The infinite line breaks did nothing but take away from the story... and that's all this was, a story. So when the structure cheapens the only thing holding the piece together, it tends to wreck. Beyond structure... I just found the whole piece to be forced. Punctuation aside, this read like someone making up a bedtime story for a kid on the spot. It was like you were sputtering a thousand ideas at me, and not really fully exploring any of them. You did have some very very solid ideas and lines. The "shards" bit about the doll was class... but surrounded by all the other half-ideas, I'm left remembering the others and not the part I liked. The descriptions were ok... but let's be honest; they were safe. They were simply boring... they were the same way everyone has described a beautiful woman for years and years. I've seen your other works where you describe people, and when I saw this, I was just disappointed.

so in the end, outside of some questionable punctuation (which is really ok with me, but others seem to not like it) and the structure, there was nothing technically wrong with this... it just felt sort of emotionally detached and lacking originality... and usually, the quirky emotion and original concepts are the highlights of your stories... so yeah.
#7
if i didn't offend, i wouldn't be me.
if i offended heavily, i wouldn't feel good about it.
offending mildly, i must have hit just the right stride.

<3
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
Zach:



i agree, i suppose

i'm just exploring new things, as you know.

SYK:

was about to edit in something, it reads like i was annoyed or whatever. that's not the case, i appreciate your points entirely.



let this die now