#1
I couldn't fall asleep last night, so I came up with this while lying in bed. I thought it may have some potential, so I wrote it down. Tell me what you think.

Light shine on me
So I can see
Who I am
And who I'll be

Cuz if we listen
To what they say
Then maybe we'll
Be on our way

Transparent glass
Can't hold me back
Cuz what I have
Is what they lack

God change the world
God make it right
God show me love
God give me light

God move the land
God shift the sea
God show me love
God set me free
Set me free
Oh set me free

I won't let go
I won't give up
Strength is weak
And speed is slow

What they tell us
Is what they say
But what they say
Isn't really what they mean

So let us lose our way
From disarray
Then maybe we'll
Be all okay

God change the world
God make it right
God show me love
God give me light

God move the land
God shift the sea
God show me love
God set me free
Set me free
Oh set me free
#2
I like it. Simplicity. But what is the glass part about?
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#3
Quote by cashewchaching
I like it. Simplicity. But what is the glass part about?


Funny that you mention that because I was originally writing this from the perspective of a fish in an aquarium.
#4
sounds good =]
id suggest using a different line instead of "Oh set me free" for the last part of the song since u already mention it before.
#5
Quote by snowboarder371
sounds good =]
id suggest using a different line instead of "Oh set me free" for the last part of the song since u already mention it before.


Well, that's just one of those repeating things you hear a lot in songs. I think if you heard it you would understand.
#6
Verse one was excellent, verse two was sort of wobbly. I really enjoyed the chorus. But the "firshbowl" thing sounded really cool. The sense that I got from your word selection was a sense of lonliness, which made the piece great, really. It's like "God, please help me, wherever you are..."

Crit mine, please?
#7
Quote by ttreat31
I couldn't fall asleep last night, so I came up with this while lying in bed. I thought it may have some potential, so I wrote it down. Tell me what you think.

Light shine on me
So I can see
Who I am
And who I'll be


This is good, although I suggest adding the word just in the before who in the last line. So it'd read And just who I'll be.


Cuz if we listen
To what they say
Then maybe we'll
Be on our way


I'd split the contraction we'll into we will. That may just be me though. Also I'm not sure I'll understand this because fish can't understand English.

Transparent glass
Can't hold me back
Cuz what I have
Is what they lack


I like this but I think you should go more in depth with what exactly it is that the fish have.

God change the world
God make it right
God show me love
God give me light

God move the land
God shift the sea
God show me love
God set me free
Set me free
Oh set me free


I would drop the last two lines: Set me free, Oh set me free. It seems cliche. And also it feels very repetitive with the word God. I know that's what you're going for but what I'd do is use the first stanza as the first chorus, assuming thats what it is, and the second stanza as the second chorus.

I won't let go
I won't give up
Strength is weak
And speed is slow


I really like the simplicity here.

What they tell us
Is what they say
But what they say
Isn't really what they mean


I like it but once again fish and humans can't talk to each other.

So let us lose our way
From disarray
Then maybe we'll
Be all okay


It's alright. Rhyming feels forced but not to bad.

God change the world
God make it right
God show me love
God give me light

God move the land
God shift the sea
God show me love
God set me free
Set me free
Oh set me free


It was pretty good. I like the simplicity. But I think you could add some more punctuation to it. Btw, thanks for the crit.