#1
I haven't posted here in a few years but I figured I would come back for this community offers fantastic critques and honest suggestions. This may fall into more of a poetry aspect than lyrics but I have been really thinking about incorporating them into a song.


Sierpinski’s Triangle


Winter has exposed
my neurons, my nuisance,
my reminder why
Michigan holds her
on a brown couch
and has penciled in
my irises until they
could not be erased.

There was air that had
a shadow in a lung,
an atmosphere where
clocks faded into years.
numbers together that
would become prime
factors of open windows
on the city skyline.

Winter stayed on
the brown couch,
shadowed-air breathed
awake in the sunroom.
at daylight everything
froze, cracked, and
then resublimed as mirror-
images on the window.

And in the morning
the fractals of chaos
crawled into her globe
as the season’s first frost.
And in the morning
the similar triangles
fell out of my pockets
into Lake Michigan.
#2
What immediately hit me was that your thoughts were cut in half a lot. Lines would end halfway through the thought, and left it hanging oddly, to be picked up by the next line. Those stops killed some of your images. Speaking of images, well, I dunno what the song is about. Not a clue. And who the hell is sitting on the couch?
#3
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
What immediately hit me was that your thoughts were cut in half a lot. Lines would end halfway through the thought, and left it hanging oddly, to be picked up by the next line. Those stops killed some of your images. Speaking of images, well, I dunno what the song is about. Not a clue. And who the hell is sitting on the couch?


I understand where you are coming from. I was relying on the punctuation to be the pauses, not the line breaks. And like i said in the original post that it was a poem, I don't like to flat out say what images and things represent. I feel telling people what the images and objects take away from the actual meaning. Ambiguity sometimes is gold, some of the best songs that have ever been written are like that. Take from it what you want. Maybe this was the wrong place to post the piece and it isn't because people don't like it; it just isn't the typical type of lyric.
#4
sorry for the interjection here burno.

S+L is vastly different now, if you've been away for some time, we're hugely motivated towards both Lyrics and Poetry now. Give it a few more crits.

I'll say a little.

S1 - Was a great opening, providing visuals and setting aptly. Your diction was well placed too.

S2 - Opens with such a powerful 2 lines, but 'had' let it down for me, for such a striking image something more detailed would emphasise it further, 'held' for example, since it's focus is lungs, 'holding ones breath' springs to mind. It was a beautiful stanza.

S3 - Didn't like the repition of 'shadow' it felt like the piece wasn't progressing fast enough. Fresh images and more details would move it along smoother.

S4 - While wrapping the ending up nicely fell slightly towards mediocrity, I am English and could have pictured the image you painted without the need for you to write it. i.e. you ceased to be putting images into my head, mearly opening ones already there; but I have to say it didn't matter to me since the phrasing was enough to put it above the majority.

All in all this was a nice read, you're well and truly on my radar.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
Great piece. Congrats on WotM.


let's not be hasty here (not that you won't win wotm)

I thought this piece was beautifully done. Really great read. I have no complaints.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Quote by burnobus7337
I understand where you are coming from. I was relying on the punctuation to be the pauses, not the line breaks. And like i said in the original post that it was a poem, I don't like to flat out say what images and things represent. I feel telling people what the images and objects take away from the actual meaning. Ambiguity sometimes is gold, some of the best songs that have ever been written are like that. Take from it what you want. Maybe this was the wrong place to post the piece and it isn't because people don't like it; it just isn't the typical type of lyric.


No, there's no problem with you not saying your meaning, I just didn't get it, which means mission successful

Congrats, btw
#8
congrats.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.