#1
C4C. A continuation of a verse I put into the Lyric Game III thread. It's unfinished, I intend to add at least one more stanza, but for now, I'd just like thoughts.

Thoughts inaudible
Bounce off these five walls
In shapes that grate against the weight
Of production-line lullabies
Bottled, cased, and sold.

Silent screams sound
In an empty hall
The people are all trading
In the marketplace
Acceptance at a bargain price
Just your integrity

The trader grins crookedly
From behind a shadowed face
An animal once beautiful
Now unrecognisable
Is tied to his leash
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Jul 2, 2008,
#2
So it comes off very eerie but I like that.

Thoughts inaudible
They bounce of these 5 walls
In shapes that grate against the weight
Of production line lullabies
Bottled, cased, and sold.

I like everything about this stanza. The 5 walls is great because you kind of assume on a square room and then this throws you. I love the way the 3rd line flows, it just has a great rhythm and rhyme to it. I like the last two lines the most though. Just kind of gave me a creepy factory type image.

Silent screams sound
In an empty hall
All the people are in the market
Bargaining with their integrity
Exchanged for acceptance

So I can't put my finger on why, but I don't like the 3rd line here. I just couldn't get it to flow right. Might be better if you changed market to marketplace and cut out some of the smaller words. I really like the idea of the last two lines here, but for some reason I don't think they are as good as they could be. Maybe changing it to "bargaining integrity away/ exchanging it for acceptance." I don't know, just thinking aloud.


The trader grins crookedly
From behind a shadowed face
An animal once beautiful
Now unrecognisable
Is tied to his leash

I really like this stanza. It has great imagery and still means something and adds to the song. I personally think It would make a great last stanza because it really build up the whole eerily creepy feeling I kind of got through the whole song and leave me thinking "what happened" which I think is a good way to end a song like this. Anyways, I suggest that if you do add another stanza to have it fit in before this one.

Overall, I though it was pretty great. I'm not sure if you meant to give it a creepy feel but that's what I got from it and thought it made it great. Not much I would suggest changing but I would like it to be longer just so theres more to it.


So I know you already did a crit for my song (thanks by the way), but I changed almost all of it and would really like some input from you on whether you think the changes work or not.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894208
#3
Quote by break-me-in
Ok, there have been a lot of views, so why will no-one crit this? C'mon, I need something here! I mean it when I say C4C!
No no no no no! Give it time, and take the initiative as well. Just crit a random piece, and he'll return it!

Thoughts inaudible
They bounce of these 5 walls
In shapes that grate against the weight
Of production line lullabies
That... that line felt wierd. It flowed awkwardly.
Bottled, cased, and sold.
In this stanza, you showed you have a good sense ofadvanced rhymes (internal rhymes) and other skills, such as alliteration. I wouldn't attempt a five-line stanza unless it was perfect, and this is not perfect. Your flow is hurt by your word choice and a lack of strict meter.

Silent screams sound
In an empty hall
All the people are in the market
Bargaining with their integrity
Exchanged for acceptance
Good meaning, but again, the same problems.

The trader grins crookedly
From behind a shadowed face
An animal once beautiful
Now unrecognisable
Is tied to his leash

You have a great sense about you, but your word choice sometimes fights against the rhythm. Cling to a meter like your mothers bosom, pay attention to natural emphasis in words and see how that plays with the up-down motion of your song. If you do, you'll accomplish great things.
C4C? It's in my sig.
#4
I agree on the integrity/acceptance lines, I'll try and think of a way to improve those. I think I'm going to keep the 1st stanza the way it is though.

As for the whole "pleading" bit at the beginning of my post, I usually would crit someone else's to get something back, but I just thought I'd see how it went if I left it as a sort of experiment, and it took a while. I didn't want to abandon the experiment, but I really wanted a crit...

I'll get to both of yours now.

EDIT: Changed the integrity/acceptance line. I'll come back to it later and see what I think. I'll probably end up changing it several times.

EDIT 2: Changed again. 6 lines in the 2nd stanza now. I definitely want to go back and sort it, but I'm off now.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
Last edited by break-me-in at Jun 29, 2008,
#5
Thoughts inaudible
They bounce of these 5 walls
In shapes that grate against the weight
Of production line lullabies
Bottled, cased, and sold.

I don't know why, but the "5 walls" seems to stand out to me. I really can't decide if I love it or hate it. I think it might be better to just say "They bounce off these walls." The rest of the verse flows nicely. It's off to a good start

Silent screams sound
In an empty hall
All the people are trading
In the marketplace
Acceptance at a bargain price
Just your integrity

I liked that you changed it to marketplace, it definitely flows better that way. Not much to complain about here. I especially enjoyed the last two lines.

The trader grins crookedly
From behind a shadowed face
An animal once beautiful
Now unrecognisable
Is tied to his leash

I hate to be a grammar Nazi, but its "unrecognizable."
Seriously though, wow, I really liked this. It was excellent writing. Great job.
Quote by nt1440
thats true, i hate kids who go "oh noess limewire is soo bad, viruses everywhere crashed my computer, had to buy a new one" well mayb thatll teach u that the a song isnt 112 kb and named cute_teen_has_orgasm_on_webcam_xxx
#6
Quote by imnotastoner

I don't know why, but the "5 walls" seems to stand out to me. I really can't decide if I love it or hate it. I think it might be better to just say "They bounce off these walls." The rest of the verse flows nicely. It's off to a good start


It's because of the expression "It stays in these 4 walls" in reference to secrets. And an extra wall represents the contortion of the creature at the end (creativity), for industry. Now that I've explained it, is it worth keeping?

Quote by imnotastoner
I hate to be a grammar Nazi, but its "unrecognizable."


I live in England.

Seriously though, wow, I really liked this. It was excellent writing. Great job.

Thanks, it might be the (second, maybe) strongest piece I've done.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#8
Quote by break-me-in
C4C. A continuation of a verse I put into the Lyric Game III thread. It's unfinished, I intend to add at least one more stanza, but for now, I'd just like thoughts.
i love that thread. like an idea mill.

Thoughts inaudible
They bounce of these 5 walls
always write out numbers as words. always.
thoughts inaudible
might be clever if you didn't have to shoot it in the foot on the next line.
starting with They unnecessarily hurts.
flip the order of the two words back to normal
and just continue with the thought.
or leave them as is while dropping the,
if you have balls.

In shapes that grate against the weight
Of production line lullabies
hyphenate production-line
small touch, but it makes the thought immediately apparent.

Bottled, cased, and sold.

Silent screams sound
In an empty hall
All the people are trading
this would be stronger without
two unstressed syllables starting the line.
try to rewrite around the or people as the start.

In the marketplace
Acceptance at a bargain price
Just your integrity

The trader grins crookedly
tough structure
preposition-noun-verb-adverb
and you aren't even halfway through this sentence.
easy enough to put a crooked grin on his face
but when you have him grin crookedly, that adds complications

From behind a shadowed face
An animal once beautiful
Now unrecognisable
Is tied to his leash

i have no clue what you're on about.
but don't really mind.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#9
Thanks.
SYK, if you have a piece you want me to crit, post a link.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#10
Quote by break-me-in
C4C. A continuation of a verse I put into the Lyric Game III thread. It's unfinished, I intend to add at least one more stanza, but for now, I'd just like thoughts.

Thoughts inaudible
(They?) Bounce of these five walls
In shapes that grate against the weight
Of production-line lullabies
Bottled, cased, and sold.

I think this was a good introduction with proper imagery, and for the doubt, I think "they" can be omitted. Nothing else to say about this first stanza...

Silent screams sound
In an empty hall
The people are all trading
In the marketplace
Acceptance at a bargain price
Just your integrity

This is the weakest stanza, especially the line "the people are all trading". I don't know if it's because of flow issues or chosen words, it just looks/sounds strange... the rest of it is not as good as the stanzas between either

The trader grins crookedly
From behind a shadowed face
An animal once beautiful
Now unrecognisable
Is tied to his leash

This is a great ending! The best stanza of them all, especially the last three lines, they really stood out for me. Not anything else to say about it really...


Overall it was a good piece, with its ups and downs, small flow issues and an awkward but clever rhyming. Good work!
#12
Thoughts inaudible
Bounce of these five walls
In shapes that grate against the weight
Of production-line lullabies
Bottled, cased, and sold.

hmm, I liked the opening. With the first line you either need to comma to the two words, or switch them around. You probably meant 'off' in L2. I like the rhyme you tried to pull off, but I felt that 'grate' just didn't (lol pun) carry the weight of the line well enough, it needs a strong word there, something more precise. The last 2, good.

Silent screams sound
In an empty hall
The people are all trading
In the marketplace
Acceptance at a bargain price
Just your integrity

The diction in the first line was the weakest part of the piece for me. Too average, possibly too much sibilance too. I felt 'empty' wasn't strong enough either, 'vacant' is much more chilling. I'm not sure what you were aiming at with the rest, it contradicts, it jumps around content-wise, especially the last line and generally I feel lost at this point. sorry man.

The trader grins crookedly
From behind a shadowed face
An animal once beautiful
Now unrecognisable
Is tied to his leash

Switch 'crookedly' and 'grins'. Overall I think your approach to this piece was its downfall, here you have 2 maybe 3 different ideas that would warrent extention into their own pieces - especially the first, the last 2 lines there were a perfect set-up for something larger. That's what I advise you do with this piece - use it as springboard and attack each one.

peACE

If you get time: Averting a Blind Eye
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.