#1
This song used to be called "The Warren" before I revised it, basically turning it from a poem into a song. Any comments would be appreciated, I started songwriting last year, although took a break (nearly 12 months) to concentrate on other things. I wrote this last year, and revised it over the past two days, so any comments would be greatly appreciated.

C4C, obviously.


You don’t really know me,
We haven’t really met,
I can’t help but wonder why,
You lay on the pure-white bed.
Behind this mask of tears,
There is a writhing face of anger,
Because all you ever did,
Was pretend we never were.

Is that the best you can do,
Build your place to hide?
I know you know the truth,
I can see it in your eyes.

Once again you’re hiding,
There’s no sign you were here,
Once again you’ve turned your back,
You won’t even shed a tear.
I spent my whole life searching,
Searching for that place you hide,
That don’t matter to you now,
You’d rather stay there and die.

Is that the best you can do,
Build your place to hide?
I know you know the truth,
I can see it in your eyes.

It don’t matter what you do,
I’ve already turned on you,
You left me without a clue,
Although I hope it’s all untrue.
This time you’ve gone for good,
Just like you said you would,
You didn’t do the best you could,
But now it’s understood.

That’s all you’re gonna do?
You’ve left us all behind,
You’ve run away once again,
Run away to that place you hide.
Is that the best you can do,
Just run away and hide?
I can see it in your eyes,
It’s killing you inside.
Is that the best you can do,
Build your place to hide?
I know you know the truth,
I can see it in your eyes.

Once again you go,
Leaving me alone,
Once again you go,
To that place you think is home.

That’s all you’re gonna do?
You’ve left us all behind,
You’ve run away once again,
Run away to that place you hide.
Is that the best you can do,
Just run away and hide?
I can see it in your eyes,
It’s killing you inside.
Is that the best you can do,
Build your place to hide?
I know you know the truth,
I can see it in your eyes.

So now you’ve got me wondering,
Where do I go from here?
You left your body broken and bruised,
Now there’s one thing I’ll never be.
Down, down, down you go,
Descending down and down,
You left us all, for your cure
Now all you are is one big hole.

We all know what you did,
You left us all behind,
You always ran, you never stayed
You’d never stand up and fight,
I could see it in your eyes,
It was killing you inside,
I could always see it in your eyes,
It slowly killed you inside.

As I stand here, in the rain,
I just want you to know,
The day that I see you again,
Will be a day to remember.
Last edited by Ezuma at Jun 28, 2008,
#3
You don’t really know me,
We haven’t really met,
the repetition of really doesn't work that well to me. The right singing style on it might make it work.. But you might also want to look into synonyms, like "we haven't actually met" or something. Also, the first two lines don't feel connected to the rest of the verse.. Like they're there just to make it more depressing or something.
I can’t help but wonder why,
You lay on the pure-white bed.
Behind this mask of tears,
There is a writhing face of anger,
Because all you ever did,
Was pretend we never were.
Just a little tweak.. I think it'd flow/sound better if you change "you lay on the pure-white bed" to "you lay on your pure white bed."

Is that the best you can do,
Build your place to hide?
I know you know the truth,
I can see it in your eyes.

Once again you’re hiding,
There’s no sign you were here,
Once again you’ve turned your back,
You won’t even shed a tear.
I spent my whole life searching,
Searching for that place you hide,
That don’t matter to you now,
This line felt awkward to me. I'm not sure how this is supposed to be read, "Searching for that place you hide that don't matter to you now" or "Searching for that place you hide. That don't matter to you now." Also, the wording of "That don't matter to you now," is a little weird.. But like before, the way it's sang can make it not a problem at all.
You’d rather stay there and die.

Is that the best you can do,
Build your place to hide?
I know you know the truth,
I can see it in your eyes.

It don’t matter what you do,
Urgh. I really don't like "don't" here. I'm from the South and hate when people talk like that... It really sounds a lot better if you say "doesn't."
I’ve already turned on you,
You left me without a clue,
Although I hope it’s all untrue.
This time you’ve gone for good,
Just like you said you would,
You didn’t do the best you could,
But now it’s understood.

That’s all you’re gonna do?
You’ve left us all behind,
You’ve run away once again,
I might drop "once" here.
Run away to that place you hide.
Is that the best you can do,
Just run away and hide?
I can see it in your eyes,
It’s killing you inside.
Is that the best you can do,
Build your place to hide?
I know you know the truth,
I can see it in your eyes.

Once again you go,
Leaving me alone,
Once again you go,
To that place you think is home.

That’s all you’re gonna do?
You’ve left us all behind,
You’ve run away once again,
Run away to that place you hide.
Is that the best you can do,
Just run away and hide?
I can see it in your eyes,
It’s killing you inside.
Is that the best you can do,
Build your place to hide?
I know you know the truth,
I can see it in your eyes.

So now you’ve got me wondering,
Where do I go from here?
You left your body broken and bruised,
Now there’s one thing I’ll never be.
Down, down, down you go,
Descending down and down,
You left us all, for your cure
Now all you are is one big hole.
Heavy. I like the way you wrote this; until you hear/read it all you don't fully understand. Nicely done.

We all know what you did,
You left us all behind,
You always ran, you never stayed
You’d never stand up and fight,
I could see it in your eyes,
It was killing you inside,
I could always see it in your eyes,
It slowly killed you inside.

As I stand here, in the rain,
I just want you to know,
The day that I see you again,
Will be a day to remember.


Very nice. At the start of it I thought it was a break up song.. But at the "so now you've got me wondering" part, it changed tones and sounded like the person you were writing about killed themselves? I'm not sure if I took it the right way.. I'm gonna feel stupid if I didn't. lol

Good writing regardless.
Check mine out? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=897060 =)
#5
wow. that was good. a bit long, but good. i agree with Garb that it started out feeling like a break-up song then you gradually get the feeling like its something more...

i can imagine that you would be able to get a few songs out of a story like that.
To know death, you have to f*ck life in the gallbladder...