#1
Hello. This is a song I wrote today, I've made a vow with my self to try to churn out or develop something each Saturday this summer. This has been the result of today's session. It's a pretty simple song with a little D-A-G chord progression behind it. I want to expand the chorus and add a bridge so any help with that would be greatly appreciated. Also, the outro will be my attempt at white boy flow circa jason mraz or stephan jenkins. Any comments will be greatly appreciated and as always crit for crit. Thanks!

The Canvas

VERSE1
life is justice
on a tilted scale
first you try and
then you cry and fail

a child's first words
welcome cheers
a wise man's last breath
falls on deaf ears

a middle school poem
paints the fridge
and a suicide note
is a middle aged sin

CHORUS
our best days are behind
but we can never look back
with our eyes closed
the canvas is always black

VERSE2
life is beauty
in a blind man's mind
first you're naive
then you don't have the time

a third grade chorus
can conjure tears
but our voices crumble
over the years

the colors are bright
but not in the lines
once we trap them
they lose their shine

CHORUS
our best days are behind
but we can never look back
with our eyes closed
the canvas is always black

OUTRO
no one said that life was gonna be fair
an honest broken promise warning you to beware
the world is spinning faster plastering us with despair
and i'm here dying trying just to breath air.
Last edited by bmac85 at Jul 12, 2008,
#2
Quote by bmac85
Hello. This is a song I wrote today, I've made a vow with my self to try to churn out or develop something each Saturday this summer.Don't do that, especially if you take one day to write it. You want your work to soak in before you make a decision on what needs to be done. Even if you write it and let it sit for a week, it'll soak in.
This has been the result of today's session. It's a pretty simple song with a little D-A-G chord progression behind it. I want to expand the chorus and add a bridge so any help with that would be greatly appreciated. Also, the outro will be my attempt at white boy flow circa jason mraz or stephan jenkins. Any comments will be greatly appreciated and as always crit for crit. Thanks!

The Canvas

VERSE1
life is justice
on a tilted scale
first you try and
then you cry and fail
Change that last line to "then you fail". If you wanted it to be longer, choose a word other than "cry".

a child's first words
welcome cheers
a wise man's last breath
falls on deaf ears

a middle school poem
paints the fridge
and a suicide note
is a middle aged sin
Good thought, okay execution.

CHORUS
our best days are behind
but we can never look back
with our eyes closed
the canvas is always black
The second line should probably be "go back" instead of "look back". I mean, the song is about looking back and all.

VERSE2
life is beauty
in a blind man's mind
first you're naive
then you don't have the time
Second half was excellent.

a third grade chorus
can conjure tears
but our voices crumble
over the years
That last line was weak. The main thought was in line three, so thats the stanza's "punchline".

the colors are bright
but not in the lines
once we trap them
they lose their shine
Odd word selection, but okay.

CHORUS
our best days are behind
but we can never look back
with our eyes closed
the canvas is always black

OUTRO
no one said that life was gonna be fair
an honest broken promise warning you to beware
the world is spinning faster plastering us with despair
and i'm here dying trying just to breath air.

Didn't like it. Line two felt forced. "Breathe air" felt really weak.

C4C? I don't have it in my sig yet. It's "Young Girl".