#1
It turns out that 50 percent of my songs have "girl" in the title. The flow was a little more loose than what I'm used to, you might have to read it a couple times. C4C, but you have to remind me, or I'll forget.

If only you were older
If only you weren't
forced to be a stranger
and live on the outskirts
But like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
what love is like

But let me tell you,
he's not a soul to hold you
You'll know when love is true
But your heart's breakin'
as he takes it
and doesn't know what to do
Cuz like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
what love is like
and I can't stop you

Looking back, there's a whole lotta problems I can identify, but if I wait any longer, the thing won't ever get finished.
#2
No chorus? What kind of genre is this anyway? Other than that its pretty good.
#3
I like it. It has an interesting flow. I really liked the second stanza. The first stanza was all right, but the first four lines felt kind of odd to me. I also liked how you ended with "and I can't stop you."

Other than that, I don't really have anything else to add.
#4
I really like this, reading through give's you a good idea of the situation and i could relate it to a real life situation.

I cant crit anything on it, i like it!
#5
For future;

Watch your syllable count. Read it aloud - if you're true to yourself about where the flow is being forced by your head, it needs changing.

Look for more sophisticated rhymes and ways of rhyming; slant/half rhyme, alliteration, internal rhyme. All would improve this.

You delve into cliche that I've seen a lot on these forums. Make sure what you're writing is from a totally different angle than what you have seen/read before.
#6
If only you were older
If only you weren't
avoid contractions where you can
use them only to adjust syllable count
or change the location of stressed syllables.
this is doubly harmful
because it truncates the line even farther than necessary.
were not is more similar to the previous line.
ending on a stressed syllable
forces a pause before the next line
so it helps the rhythm.

forced to be a stranger
and live on the outskirts
But like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
you will work much better than you'll does, imho.
what love is like

But let me tell you,
he's not a soul to hold you
this hurts. it's preachy,
and the rhythm is awkward.
replace this pair.

You'll know when love is true
But your heart's breakin'
drop the contraction.
heart is.

as he takes it
this line falls short.

and doesn't know what to do
this section has
a ton of linkage between lines.
that complicates adjustments
and muddles the thought.

Cuz like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
what love is like
and I can't stop you
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#7
Awkward flow/syllable count and the 'firefly' bit is cliche.

I'd like to see this idea expanded on though.

It's been fecking used on me too many times.
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#8
Looks good but watch out for those young girls songs. You dont want Chris Hanson walking in and asking you to "have a seat over there."
#9
Guys, thanks for all the comments. Everything you guys said is right, particularly Jammy. And yes, the rhythm is awkward, I knew that coming in, and hoped that it would be natural, but it's not. I ended up writing it to the melody of another song, but that song hada complex melody, and I only focused on part of it. So essentially, you're getting fragments of that melody. I'll work on flow, word choice and sophistication of rhymes.
#10
Quote by Ninjamonkey767

If only you were older
If only you weren't
forced to be a stranger
and live on the outskirts
But like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
what love is like

I don't know whether it's what you were going for, but I felt like I was getting fragments of sentences here. And usually that's fine, but it seemed as though I'd missed out on something here, and it took a second read for me to connect lines 2 & 3. Anyway, the flow just seems awkward. The last 3 lines are a great metaphor though. Keep that.

But let me tell you,
he's not a soul to hold you
You'll know when love is true
But your heart's breakin'
as he takes it
and doesn't know what to do
Cuz like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
what love is like
and I can't stop you

3 and 4 are cringe-worthy levels of cliche. And 1 seems like you put it there for the sake of having something to say.

5 & 6 need a continuation of that thought. WHAT does he do with her heart? Does he throw it away? We need to know that. Again, you repeat the firefly metaphor, and it's a good piece of writing, but the language is a little boring.



It has potential. Develop the metaphor more, and add to the story a bit. State the cliche in a way that's more original. And then it'll be a good solid piece.
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#11
The flow gets tricky sometimes but mostly its good

the rhymes were great and unforced, which i woul dlove to try and establish in my songs

and a nice little song for a girl
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#12
Hard for me to catch the flow. But I really enjoyed some of the metaphors or whatever you want to call them... Good stuff.
#13
Sorry if this won't be a very elaborate comment, but I have only a few words to say about this.

Unlike the majority, I didn't have any problem with the flow but, being a prog-metal fan, I usually have this thing for weird flows. Even though it looks cliched at first sight, it adds some originality on it, and that's a great great thing. The only thing I didn't like about it was the rhyming, even though it doesn't seem forced (au contraire... it almost feels like dumping thoughts in a paper, other thing I appreciate), I almost wish it woudn't rhyme at all...

Overall, I liked it, it was original in its own way. Keep going ^^
#16
'he's not a soul to hold to' would be a nicer line I think.
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#17
I don't think your Flow is too Bad, I think your spacing is off... A lot of people Read the second line to follow the first, but I read it as to come before the third.

Here is how I would space it. All the words are the same
The Numbers afterwards are syllable counts.
(They can vary a little depending on how you pronouce words)
Forced could be one quick syllable or two to accent the music.

Quote by Ninjamonkey767


If only you were older 7

If only you weren't forced to be a stranger 11
and live on the outskirts 6
But like a firefly about the light you'll want to see 14
what love is like 4

But let me tell you, he's not a soul to hold you 12
You'll know when love is true 6
But your heart's breakin' as he takes it 9
and doesn't know what to do 7

Cuz like a firefly about the light you'll want to see 14
what love is like 4

and I can't stop you 5



Look at the syllable count and try to cut out some of those "But"s

very nice.
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#18
SPECIFIC NOTES:
Quote by Ninjamonkey767


If only you were older
- a lil' cliché perhaps, it's the sort of common "if only" that can suggest a dull read is ahead. a stronger opening line.
If only you weren't
forced to be a stranger
and live on the outskirts
But like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
what love is like
- feel you could add a stronger more definate ending, perhaps a continuation of the firefly image? "learn how much it burns?"

But let me tell you,
- let me tell you could be reordered for a less convetional and more interesting line? "But i could tell you," something like that maybe?
he's not a soul to hold you
You'll know when love is true
- Why is love always true? this is a bit of an obvious image
But your heart's breakin'
as he takes it
and doesn't know what to do
Cuz like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
what love is like
and I can't stop you
- better ending than the first verse, and i really liked the way you turned the heart break cliché in to quite a well phrased and less obvious situation turning it in to a warning almost.


GENERAL NOTES:
1.No Punctuation? I know it's a song but it reads as 1 solid sentance to me... I know the lines seperate it out but i struggle without commas and full stops.

2. No Distinct Structure - A chorus? or perhaps you're kinda going for that freeflow feel of song, either way, seperate it out a bit, because as i've said above it's over powering without any seperation.

OVERALL
Build up the structure, pad it out and I'd love to see the finished result. This is quite good actually.

could you have a look at mine? -
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=899510
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#19
Yeah,

I quite like the way it reads as a poem, but from what I can gather it lacks rhyme for a song as such. I'm no expert song writer, it's just my opinion.

Will be interesting to see what chords you use for this one

Other than the rhyming thing I think its good.
#20
well. I really like this song
it's simple but true, I can even recognize with it,
in my opinion the flow in the song is a little disturbing, and the ending is a bit disrupted but I still like the song because of it's simplicity
Last edited by LauriShadow at Jul 3, 2008,
#21
weird flow and rhyme scheme? kinda ish but it has potential, especially if a chorus is thrown in...
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#22
Quote by Ninjamonkey767


If only you were older
If only you weren't
forced to be a stranger
and live on the outskirts
I think that these last two lines should be elaborated on a little bit.
But like a firefly about the light
This line intrigues me. A firefly, with a light of its own, hovering around a separate, more powerful light. I like.
you'll want to see
what love is like

But let me tell you,
he's not a soul to hold you
You'll know when love is true
But your heart's breakin'
as he takes it
A little cliched, but nothing wrong with that.
and doesn't know what to do
Cuz like a firefly about the light
you'll want to see
what love is like
and I can't stop you
I was a big fan on the ending here, just tacking the extra line onto the end of the refrain does wonders.


I don't see any huge errors, only a few spots that could be polished. I wish it were longer.