#1
Hey ,

I just wanted to know what everybody thinks about this new song which I have just finished writing.

I am not yet sure of a title but if you can think of a good one please post it... that will be great

This song is about becoming something great in life, not just having to do a regular, sometimes boring job.

The music type is similar to that of COLDPLAY (whatever genre that is )

If you could take a moment of your time to read my lyrics, and give some constructive critisism, it will be much appreciated.

Thank you so much...

---------------------

[VERSE 1]
There's gotta be more to your life,
Than working from nine 'till five,
There's gotta be more than that,
More than studying day and night.

You've gotta grasp your dreams,
Before they fall through your fingertips,
You've gotta take the wheel of your life,
Instead of swerving it off the edge.

[CHORUS]
For your whole life is a book,
But the pages are stuck together,
And only you can make them unglued,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Your whole life is a record,
But the same track keeps repeating itself.
And only you can make it continue,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.


[VERSE 2]
If your heart's set in the right place,
You can surely do something great,
But you've gotta hunt hard for what you want,
Because it clearly doesn't wanna be found.

You've gotta fight all your obstacles,
Instead of tunnelling your way through,
Because if you hide them in the dark,
They'll never cease from haunting you.

[CHORUS]
For your whole life is a book,
But the pages are stuck together,
And only you can make them unglued,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Your whole life is a record,
But the same track keeps repeating itself.
And only you can make it continue,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.


[VERSE 3]
You could either stick to the road,
Or you could try to make your own way,
But you’ve gotta build your own set of rules,
Instead of following those of someone else.

You’ve gotta believe in all of your thoughts,
Instead of hiding them all from view,
Because if you give them up too soon,
Then they will never show themselves to you.

[CHORUS]
For your whole life is a book,
But the pages are stuck together,
And only you can make them unglued,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Your whole life is a record,
But the same track keeps repeating itself.
And only you can make it continue,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.


[BRIDGE]
Your tension's building up
Your ropes are about to snap,
Falling a hundred thousand feet,
Into the darkness lying below,

Yes, your tension's building up,
Your ropes are about to snap,
Falling a hundred thousand feet,
Into the darkness lying below,

[CHORUS]
For your whole life is a book,
But the pages are stuck together,
And only you can make them unglued,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Your whole life is a record,
But the same track keeps repeating itself.
And only you can make it continue,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.


--------------------------------

#2
concerning the line "Instead of swerving it off the edge" in the 1st verse, i'd change it to "Don't let it swerve off the edge:. i think it sounds a little better without making any big change. And though i cant suggest anything, i really dislike the line "With your mind set, you'll live forever" in the chorus. It doesn't work with the record metaphor
#3
Quote by terahertz
Hey ,
If you could take a moment of your time to read my lyrics, and give some constructive critisism, it will be much appreciated.
Don't say you'd appreciate our time. Give crits.

Thank you so much...

---------------------

[VERSE 1]
There's gotta be more to your life,
Than working from nine 'till five,
There's gotta be more than that,
More than studying day and night.
Line three is unneccesary. It's just repeating line one.

You've gotta grasp your dreams,
Before they fall through your fingertips,
You've gotta take the wheel of your life,
Instead of swerving it off the edge.
There's no rhyming here, which hurts your unity of thought.

[CHORUS]
For your whole life is a book,
But the pages are stuck together,
And only you can make them unglued,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Your whole life is a record,
But the same track keeps repeating itself.
And only you can make it continue,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Alright, there are several things I need to say. First of all, I just can't get a good flow with this. Every word has a natual flow, what you naturally emphasise. Rhythm is established by the regular alternation of emphasis. There is nothing regular about your rhythm here, and that's particularly important for a chorus. Line three is your best one as far as flow, but it tatters out at the end. Change it to "and ONly YOU can UNglue THEM." "Unglue" normally has the second part emphasised, but it's a word that can be cheated . You don't want to cheat every time, though, which leads us to our second problem: Your meter is 8-10-10-9, which means that's how many syllables each line has. Because that is also irregular, you MUST cheat for there to be proper flow. But even the slight twisting of words performed is still weak and rough. Pick a meter and stick with it.

[VERSE 2]
If your heart's set in the right place,
You can surely do something great,
But you've gotta hunt hard for what you want,
Because it clearly doesn't wanna be found.
The last line, which should be the "punchline", the strong ending, is poor. This is for two reasons: lack of adherance to meter, and lack of rhyme. Remember, it's the punchline, like in a joke. And if it is weak, the entire stanza was a waste of time.

You've gotta fight all your obstacles,
Instead of tunnelling your way through,
Because if you hide them in the dark,
They'll never cease from haunting you.

[CHORUS]
For your whole life is a book,
But the pages are stuck together,
And only you can make them unglued,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Your whole life is a record,
But the same track keeps repeating itself.
And only you can make it continue,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.


[VERSE 3]
You could either stick to the road,
Or you could try to make your own way,
But you’ve gotta build your own set of rules,
Instead of following those of someone else.
Again, no rhyme weakens your punchline.

You’ve gotta believe in all of your thoughts,
Instead of hiding them all from view,
Because if you give them up too soon,
Then they will never show themselves to you.
Notice how the punchline is not lacking...

[CHORUS]
For your whole life is a book,
But the pages are stuck together,
And only you can make them unglued,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Your whole life is a record,
But the same track keeps repeating itself.
And only you can make it continue,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.


[BRIDGE]
Your tension's building up
Your ropes are about to snap,
Falling a hundred thousand feet,
Into the darkness lying below,

Yes, your tension's building up,
Your ropes are about to snap,
Falling a hundred thousand feet,
Into the darkness lying below,

[CHORUS]
For your whole life is a book,
But the pages are stuck together,
And only you can make them unglued,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.

Your whole life is a record,
But the same track keeps repeating itself.
And only you can make it continue,
With your mind set, you'll live forever.



The problems mentioned are throughout the entire piece, so I'd seriously focus on them, namely:
-Rhyme
-Meter
-Rhythm (The regular alternation of emphasis)

I hope I was of help...
Now tear up my piece, in my sig.