#1
she whispers softly
so I lean over to listen

pitter-patter
pitter-patter

rain falls slowly from the sky
dribbling like sick in a toilet bowl
the putrid stench of death

pitter-patter
pitter patter

love has never felt so rough
so dry
so little lubricant
so every touch and stroke
turns to pinch
to poke
to scratch
to stab
to a folly of kiss
and grope
a moment
of hope

but then
just when
a pair of red lips round
amidst the warm wetness of love's legs
a word is spoken
said aloud

*

her voice cuts
trips
too much behind the words
though I only had to watch her eyes
to know the meaning
we melt like pocket chocolate
together
one last time

love creeps dutifully to the door
her wistful hand waving


Last from me, for a while. C4C, of course. Anything appreciated.

Edited slightly.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 29, 2008,
#2
Wow, awesome.

The imagery strikes me as if she's cheated or something like that, and she's trying to say sorry, but you can't forgive her. At least that's the meaning I draw from it.

Fantastic stuff.
#3
"Skin has never felt so rough", that stanza was hard to listen to, what with flow and all. In reality, though, a singer could work the two-syllable lines into whatever he wanted. Some of them feel like they can't be forced, though, as if they're a whole thought. I dunno what you could do, but to be honest, the flow wasn't THAT bad for it. "The putrid stench of death" took the strength from previous lines and channeled it to its cause, which I thought was great. I smell vomit now. Sorry if I couldn't be more help.

C4C if you want. It's in my sig...
#4
As first as i finished reading this song i thought, "Damn, this dude's sex life ownz mine," lol. Great song, though
#6
she whispers softly
so I lean over to listen

pitter-patter
pitter-patter
you really have me up to this point.

rain falls slowly from the sky
dribbling like sick in a toilet bowl
right now, i wanna kick you in the balls.

pitter-patter
pitter patter

the putrid stench of death

skin has never felt so rough
so dry
so little lubricant
so every touch and stroke
i never like so as a replacement for very.
using it as a sub for therefore in the third is a nice twist.

turns to pinch
to poke
to scratch
to stab
to a folly of kiss
and grope
a moment
of hope

but then
just when
her red lips round
in the warm wetness amidst love's legs
a word is spoken
said aloud

*

her voice cuts out
trips
too much behind the words
though I only had to watch her eyes
to know the meaning
we melt like pocket chocolate
like this one.
one last time

later love creeps dutifully to the door
wistful hand waving


Last from me, for a while.
damn. i hope not.
i enjoy your stuff, but this was not a good note to make an exit on.

<3
Meadows
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Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
The way in which you describe simple things is totally awesome.

"skin has never felt so rough" felt little awkward
Hi
#8
oh my actual daisies.
the raw honesty of this poem is just quixotic.
the romance you portray has been done so with such a flair, well done!
i'll definately be checking out your other stuff.
I'm proud
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#9
I liked this a lot. I had some trouble finding the meaning at first, but i like that.
I think someone else already said this, but you kind of take things that are totally simple and you turn them into these amazing images or metaphors, its a wonder how you do it, really.

It really was an incredible poem. Nice work.

Crit mine?
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=896881
Quote by nt1440
thats true, i hate kids who go "oh noess limewire is soo bad, viruses everywhere crashed my computer, had to buy a new one" well mayb thatll teach u that the a song isnt 112 kb and named cute_teen_has_orgasm_on_webcam_xxx
#10
cheers.

Sorry to disappint SYK. I have edited it slightly, I don't know if this changes some thoughts.

Andy - I've edited the line to make much more sense, and give that whole section a much clearer image. Also, I believe the mergning of the two storylines plays off better with this way. Thanks.

Stoner (or not) - Thanks. I'll get back to you.
#11
she whispers softly
so I lean over to listen

pitter-patter
pitter-patter

rain falls slowly from the sky
dribbling like sick in a toilet bowl
the putrid stench of death

Wasn't blown away by this opening, it interested me. Nice use of multiple techniques/contrast. Just didn't feel there was anything to grip onto yet.

pitter-patter
pitter patter

love has never felt so rough
Really felt this was an average image, I expected rough when I started the line.
so dry
so little lubricant
so every touch and stroke
turns to pinch
to poke
to scratch
to stab
to a folly of kiss
and grope
a moment
of hope

Really interesting little switch in tempo, wasn't a fan of the final 'so', difficult to get around though. Was a fan of the singular uses either, for example 'turns to pinch' sounds awkward. I can see your logic but it just didn't sit right with me.

but then
just when
a pair of red lips round
amidst the warm wetness of love's legs
a word is spoken
said aloud

'was spoken?' dunno. I noticed the apostrophe, nice touch there. I'm just a grammar nazi, but I love punctuation and really miss it in this piece.

*

her voice cuts
trips
too much behind the words
'behind' felt weird here too.
though I only had to watch her eyes
to know the meaning
we melt like pocket chocolate
together
one last time

Lovely image

love creeps dutifully to the door
her wistful hand waving

I love the overall effect of this piece, I really do, I have to be specific with you or I feel like I've contributed nothing, so I picked it like a tiny tiny scab. At times this was too disjointed for my tastes, but you're not writing solely for me, so take my crit how you wish. Still it's nice to see something different from you.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
I dunno what to say, maybe it's the late hour or my strange mood... But I really liked that. This was fun and playful and thought through and enjoyable.

This critique sucks.

I loved it, Jamie.
This is not a pipe
#13
I don't know if this will help at all, but rather than telling you the changes I think you should make, I'm just going to make them. Here's my suggested version (no major changes, of course):

Romance (Her Version of Events)

i.
she whispers softly,
I lean to listen;

pitter-patter
pitter-patter


Rain falls slowly from the sky
like sick in a toilet bowl.
The putrid

(pitter-patter)

ii.
.....love has never felt so
rough, dry,
so little lubricant
so every touch and stroke turns,
to pinch, to poke.
To scratch! Stab,
a folly of kiss!
And grope a
moment of hope.

Just then;
a pair of red lips round
amidst the warm wetness of love's legs;
--a word is spoken,
said aloud


iii.
Her voice trips much
behind the words.
And though I only had to watch her eyes to know the meaning,
we melt like pocket chocolate.
Together, as

Love creeps dutifully to the door,
her wistful hand waving.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
Last edited by Fly, Marlowe at Jul 3, 2008,