#1
i think i'm caught up on returning crits.
if missed yours, let me know, k?
this was intended for an audience of one
maybe i'll do something more with this, idk
but i don't have anything else in the works, so...



love me.
love me like there’s no tomorrow.
because there isn’t.

hold me.
hold me like our lives depend on it.
because they do.

squeeze me.
until passion seeps through my pores
engulfing us like a flood

swept away
to who knows where
but we won’t care
clinging together
two last survivors
lost in a sea of madness
drifting slowly
toward a beach
that’s always
out of
reach.

together
alone
just
us
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jun 30, 2008,
#2
Hmm.
Personally, I'm not a huge fan... too mushy for my taste.
On the other hand,
it's technically really good. Rhyming, syllables, etc. are all spot on.

"squeeze me.
make love seep through my pores
engulfing us like a flood"
I like that... the comparison between something known to be a disaster, and something that could make life a lot easier.

The song almost seems like you're walking into a disaster, and you've gotta hold on to somebody to live... hence the comparison along with '...like our lives depend on it; because they do.'

Anyway,
Not MY style, but I could see it being a good song, if it ever gets turned into one. ^_^
#3
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
i think i'm caught up on returning crits.
if missed yours, let me know, k?
this was intended for an audience of one
maybe i'll do something more with this, idk
but i don't have anything else in the works, so...



hold me.
hold me like there’s no tomorrow.
because there isn’t.

love me.
love me like our lives depend on it.
because they do.
For this song, you chose a complex meter. In both of these stanzas, the final line felt weak. I don't think the first line adds anything. In fact, the second line feels long in comparison, so maybe you could remove the repitition: "Hold me / like there's no tomorrow / because there isn't". I dunno, just a thought.

squeeze me.
make love seep through my pores
engulfing us like a flood
I felt a bit of internal rhyming with enGULF and FLOOD. Liked it. I don't know if "squeeze" is the best word to use, though...

swept away
to who knows where
but we won’t care
clinging together
two last survivors
lost in a sea of madness
STOP! This line had me come to a screeching halt. It was too long. Everything else was fine, though.
drifting slowly
toward a beach
that’s always
out of
reach.
Make that one line and you have a winner.

together
alone
just
us
I think this is the only spot in the song where splitting up a line helped.


Overall, you tried new things with the flow, but I don't think you scored with all of them. Your word selection is, for the most part, excellent. I don't think this is one of your better pieces, but it showcased some good chances you took.

C4C in my sig please?
#4
Actually, I'm hereby adding on to my critique...

I would use less cliche's... maybe find another way to express love than 'love me because our lives depend on it'... it's used a lot. Gotta find something that's yours, you know?
Listen to 'Paralyzed' by The Used. Ignore the screaming and all that... just listen to the lyrics. It expresses love and compassion in a way that I've never encountered.

But the theme of drowning is in there a lot... it's a constant. I like that. ^_^ It's good that you keep with that second theme to the lyrics.
#5
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew



hold me.
hold me like there’s no tomorrow.
because there isn’t.


I like this part because it simple and straight forward, yet at the same time it has a very deep meaning.


love me.
love me like our lives depend on it.
because they do.


Same thing as the first part. And I like how you continue in the same pattern.

squeeze me.
make love seep through my pores
engulfing us like a flood


Love the word choice here. I fell like many people can relate to this feeling. Or at least think they can.

swept away
to who knows where
but we won’t care
clinging together
two last survivors
lost in a sea of madness
drifting slowly
toward a beach
that’s always
out of
reach.


Once again, a lot of people can relate to this. The line: lost in a sea of madness also can be taken into a much bigger meaning. At least that's how I see it. I believe it's kind of a metaphor for how the world is today and how people feel in society. Did you intend for it to be that way?
I do suggest though adding the before two last survivors.


together
alone
just
us


This is probably my favorite part, because of its complete simplicity and more so because of how you put them all on different lines. Brilliant. Although I think for more feeling you could add periods at the end of each word.


I am planning on putting a piece up in a couple of minutes so I will edit this post with a link to it and if you'd like, i would be very thankful if you could crit it back. Thanks

Edit: Here's a link. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=896754
Last edited by drag_the_waters at Jun 29, 2008,
#6
This was soaked in cliche. Emotion was there but the execution brought very little new to the table.

That's all I got.

Good luck SYK.
#7
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
i think i'm caught up on returning crits.
if missed yours, let me know, k?
this was intended for an audience of one
maybe i'll do something more with this, idk
but i don't have anything else in the works, so...



hold me.
hold me like there’s no tomorrow.
because there isn’t.
Eh, this was silly in my opinion. I see what you're doing here and I'm going to be in the minority that really likes this multi-layered stuff. However, I think that if you just said "hold me. hold me because there's no tomorrow" will suit your cute purposes tomorrow. the quickness supplements the desperation in the line. Thats my vote anyway. solid opening though, I like it.

love me.
love me like our lives depend on it.
because they do.
I would replace "love" with something else, because I don't believe love is what you mean here. just feels a bit false all naked out here. so yeah, change love, the rest works great (unless you want to do the succinct thing where you get rid of the third line here as well, which I think would be helpful).

squeeze me.
make love seep through my pores
engulfing us like a flood
again, specify, find a synonym for love that better suits exactly what you want to say. However, if love really does encompass all you want to say then I am all for it. The tense shift was weird though. make and "engulfing" were too different.

swept away
to who knows where
but we won’t care
clinging together
two last survivors
like the flow here, looks good juxtaposed with the choppiness of the first few stanzas. and you know what, its an idea that has been said in the exact same way a million times before, but that's because it works, and here is no exception. Your image works.
lost in a sea of madness
I hate this line. The only one that really made me cringe.
drifting slowly
toward a beach
that’s always
out of
reach.
get rid of this last line break. I liked everything else in this section. Didnt blow me away, but it didnt have to. I liked it.

together
alone
just
us
predictable but sweet.


Here's what I would do. Take this piece and revise it, attempting to add subtle allusions to your relationship with this person, be it just a hairclip in her hair or a brewsky in yours, something to make it personal and make it mean more to you when you look back on it in a few years and want to smile.

Overall though, i liked you showing more personality in this, that was cool, and the flow in parts was really cool. Just dont be afraid to commit specific aspects of your personal life to the page. Good job.



and if you will: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=896108
#8
Sorry I missed this, I owe you a damn good crit, and I don't think I'm up to it right now. I'll be back tomorrow to go nuts on it. At first read though, this could be one of my favorites by you.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.