#1
C4C


We lit the fire underneath ourselves,
And now the smoke clouds our view.
I can feel it burning at my feet,
But it holds me down as I pull.
And after all of the dust settles,
The sky will have fallen.

I looked out the window,
At the poison that it was.
And off in the distance,
I saw my fate.
13 and 4 zeros
Has come around,
And the day we face it
Is the day we die.

Millions stand outside your door,
And as if on cue they shout:
The obvious choice is to accept it,
The obvious choice is not to exist.

This viral air and horror.
Is your perfect situation.
My Thousand Paper Cranes
aligned for liberation/immolation. (can’t decide which one is better)
On this night
Tragedy will prevail,
And on This night,
Refuge will be sought.
#2
We lit the fire underneath ourselves,
And now the smoke clouds our view.
I can feel it burning at my feet,
But it holds me down as I pull.
And after all of the dust settles,
The sky will have fallen.


For the most part, I liked this stanza. Although didn't quite like the final line "the sky will have fallen." Maybe it's just me.

I looked out the window,
At the poison that it was.
And off in the distance,
I saw my fate.
13 and 4 zeros
Has come around,
And the day we face it
Is the day we die.


You lost me here.

Millions stand outside your door,
And as if on cue they shout:
The obvious choice is to accept it,
The obvious choice is not to exist.


I liked this. Maybe use it as a chorus?

This viral air and horror.
Is your perfect situation.
My Thousand Paper Cranes
aligned for liberation/immolation. (can’t decide which one is better)
On this night
Tragedy will prevail,
And on This night,
Refuge will be sought.


I have mixed feelings on this stanza. I don't really like the first line or the last line. Also, I recommend using liberation for the fourth line.


I know I didn't have much to say, but crit or comment on mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=896039
#3
We lit the fire underneath ourselves,
underneath ourselves is a stumbly phrase, when spoken.
beneath us gets a similar message with fewer syllables.

And now the smoke clouds our view.
drop And.
maybe start with The smoke now

I can feel it burning at my feet,
But it holds me down as I pull.
And after all of the dust settles,
The sky will have fallen.
this gets trippy/spacey.
i'm not a big fan.
but it's alright, i suppose.


I looked out the window,
At the poison that it was.
And off in the distance,
I saw my fate.
13 and 4 zeros
for presentation on the page,
write out the numbers as words.

Has come around,
And the day we face it
i usually avoid starting with And
but here it helps the repetition
by keeping them aligned in the rhythm.

Is the day we die.

Millions stand outside your door,
the rather than your seems better, imho.
And as if on cue they shout:
i dislike starting on And.
The obvious choice is to accept it,
The obvious choice is not to exist.
i'd exchange the order of to and not.

This viral air and horror.
Is your perfect situation.
My Thousand Paper Cranes
aligned for liberation/immolation. (can’t decide which one is better)
i dislike liberation less, but don't like either.
my mind went to in anticipation.
but i have no clue what you're doing here.

On this night
Tragedy will prevail,
And on This night,
i don't care for the repetition here
you're trying to hard for there to be a difference
with the way you present it.
it feels weak.

Refuge will be sought.


this has a strange quality to it.
unclear/undefined messages.
but it isn't unpleasant.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
I get what this is referencing. That said, I still didn't really enjoy it. It just felt so disconnected. Like you were trying to say something but didn't have the capability to do so. SYK hit all of my nit-picking gripes, but on the whole, the piece just left me wondering why I read it. What were you trying to say? Why did you use so many disconnected images and ideas without actually delving in and exploring them? Why not stick to one idea and use it to its full extent? I think you know what I'm getting at. I knew you were trying damn hard to get to the end, I know you have a goal in mind... but it was a bit clumsily executed. The whole thing felt weak, and like you were just throwing around "poetic images" like the zero thing for the hell of it. I understand them all... but that doesn't make them work in the piece.

I'd recommend you try hard to have your next piece really stick on topic, try writing something where you just describe a situation or idea... use poetic images that connect together and learn to control the piece before you try to tackle something as large as this. Build yourself as a writer and the ability to write complexities will grow too.

Sorry this took so long, been busy as hell.
-zC
#5
That's alright that it took a long time, i just appreciate the crit.
I'm actually surprised that somebody understood some of the references. I understand completely what you're trying to say and agree with it. I'll probably take most of the suggestions by everyone and edit it. During that one part, SYK said to switch words around that was actually a typo on my part and the way SYK said it is the way it's supposed to be.

That being said...it's in the format of a song. As a whole, yes, it does feel disconnected. But separately each stanza is connected to the same central idea. Reading it again, I think i'll change the first four lines of the first stanza into present tense, would that make it feel more connected?

I was attempting to keep it very vague so that the reader could have their own interpretation and it could mean more than one thing, but I see what you're saying as well.

In my eyes it is intended to be a political/social song. I don't like songs that just keep saying over and over: bush sucks, it's time for change, blah blah blah, cliche cliche cliche. So I wanted to try something a bit different. The idea behind it is that the world has ignored its problems for too long and now that the repercussions are in effect people are trying to take a stand but it's too late.
Btw, thanks to all of you for taking time to read through it and crit it. Even minor suggestions have been taken into massive consideration.
#6
The only this I really dislike about this piece is the last line, I feel like the phrase "will be sought" is a somewhat weak way to end this, compared to powerful lines like "this viral air and horror" and "the sky will have fallen". It leaves a feeling of incompletion, and I want more after that.

I would recommend choosing the word 'liberation', also.