#1
I feel like I'm drowning
Sinking deep into my thoughts.
I'm helplessly lost at sea
And I need somebody to help me breathe...

So will you be
My last breath?
Breathe some life into me
Cause I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm crying out for help
But the only comfort I can find
Is in the echo of my own voice.
Hopefully if you listen close
Maybe you will hear my plea

So will you be
My last breath?
Breathe some life into me
Cause I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm gasping for breath
I'm seeing images of shattered dreams
All alone, I'm drowning
Quote by nt1440
thats true, i hate kids who go "oh noess limewire is soo bad, viruses everywhere crashed my computer, had to buy a new one" well mayb thatll teach u that the a song isnt 112 kb and named cute_teen_has_orgasm_on_webcam_xxx
Last edited by imnotastoner at Jun 29, 2008,
#2
I feel like I'm drowning
Sinking deep into my thoughts.
I'm helplessly lost at sea
And I need somebody to help me breathe...

So will you be my,
My last breath?
I didn't really like that repetition of my here. In some songs it works.. But from how I'm reading this it doesn't fit the feel of the song.
Breathe some life into me
Cause I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm crying out for help
But the only comfort I can find
Is the echo of my own cries.
I might change "cries" to "voice." It's nice how it is, but variation can help out. Not necessary, but adds more flavor. I might also add in "is in the" as opposed to "is the echo."
Hopefully if you listen close
Maybe you will hear my plea

So will you be my,
My last breath?
Breathe some life into me
Cause I feel like I'm drowning.
Now that I'm reading this again, there's another thing I'd like to say.. "So will you be my, my last breath" doesn't go that well with "breathe some life into me." It's like a choice. You're either asking for just one more breath, or you're asking to be saved. At least, that's how I view it.

If you just give me
One more chance
I will prove to be
More than you expected
I promise I will never let you down
I'm not sure how I feel about this verse... It sounds very needy, immature, amateur, and just doesn't work for me. I mean, it could be put in, but personally I wouldn't like this verse in a song.

So will you be my,
My last breath?
Breathe some life into me
Cause I feel like I'm drowning.


I like the opening metaphor, and the chorus. The first and "crying out" verses are good as well. Good job on those.
Check mine out? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=897060 =)
#3
thanks for the crit


I totally agree with you about that last verse, i was posting that at 3am and i felt i needed a little bit more and i think i wrote that a bit too fast. now that i read it now, its hard to believe i wrote it

i liked your other suggestions as well, im trying to think of a different line to put in the chorus and i MIGHT throw out the last verse altogether, and just have an instrumental part of the song, but hopefully i'll be able to change that last verse.
Quote by nt1440
thats true, i hate kids who go "oh noess limewire is soo bad, viruses everywhere crashed my computer, had to buy a new one" well mayb thatll teach u that the a song isnt 112 kb and named cute_teen_has_orgasm_on_webcam_xxx
Last edited by imnotastoner at Jun 29, 2008,
#4
It's just all very cliche. You lent some originality to the topic, but I don't think it was enough to save this piece from the overwhelmingly cliche metaphor/premise that you were basing it on. Technically, I couldn't find anything wrong with it; the flow, rhyme, language, imagery, etc. were all good, but it was familiar, common ground.

Apologies I couldn't write a better crit, I guess just try and stylise it more would be my advice, but if you have a second (and really, don't feel obliged, I wouldn't if I were you), could you crit mine?: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=896212
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#5
I understand where you're coming from. I really don't have much experience writing songs, so my writing is still very straightforward, and I guess some people would find it boring.

thanks for the crit
Quote by nt1440
thats true, i hate kids who go "oh noess limewire is soo bad, viruses everywhere crashed my computer, had to buy a new one" well mayb thatll teach u that the a song isnt 112 kb and named cute_teen_has_orgasm_on_webcam_xxx
#6
It's not even boring, it's just overdone. I've heard it so many times before. Anyway, you'll get much better with time, as long as you just stick at it.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#7
The lyrics kind of remind me of the beginning of Disturbed's Down With the Sickness

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant I kneel
It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing ... in me


Just a few tweaks could make it better though...
Sorry for my strong lack of suggestion, but I'm mostly looking for inspiration
#8
Quote by tranzilethix
The lyrics kind of remind me of the beginning of Disturbed's Down With the Sickness

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing
Broken your servant I kneel
It seems what's left of my human side
Is slowly changing ... in me


Just a few tweaks could make it better though...
Sorry for my strong lack of suggestion, but I'm mostly looking for inspiration


haha thats kind of funny, considering this is an indie song.
Quote by nt1440
thats true, i hate kids who go "oh noess limewire is soo bad, viruses everywhere crashed my computer, had to buy a new one" well mayb thatll teach u that the a song isnt 112 kb and named cute_teen_has_orgasm_on_webcam_xxx
#9
i agree with break-me-in on this one. it's all been done before, really. and it's very repetitive. for example, you used the word "drowning" in three out of four stanzas. same goes for breath/breathe. i mean, sure, you have to stick to a theme, but try to find synonyms to these words, or make up a metaphore. but since your're new to writing, just keep on writing. you'll get better.

thanks for getting to mine.