#1
Hey,
I am not yet sure of a final title for this song, but if you can think of a good one please post it... that will be great

This song is about becoming something great in life, not just having to do a regular, sometimes boring job.

The music type is similar to that of Coldplay - whatever genre that is

----------------------------


There's gotta be more to your life,
Than working from nine 'till five,
You gotta reach above the clouds.
If you wanna feel alive.

You've gotta tightly grasp your dreams,
Before they fall from your grip,
Gotta take the wheel of your life,
Don't swerve yourself off the ship.

Your entire life is a book,
But the pages refuse to turn,
If you only take one more look,
You will never begin to learn.

Your entire life is a ball,
But the records refuse to play,
If you’re too scared to ever fall,
You will steadily drift away.


If your heart's sat in the right place,
You can surely something great.
You've gotta hunt for what you want,
Don’t leave it all to fate.

You’ve gotta fight your obstacles,
Not tunnelling your way through,
If you hide them all in the dark,
They'll never cease haunting you.

Your entire life is a book,
But the pages refuse to turn,
If you only take one more look,
You will never begin to learn.

Your entire life is a ball,
But the records refuse to play,
If you’re too scared to ever fall,
You will steadily drift away.


You could either stick to the road,
Or try to make your own way,
You gotta build your set of rules,
Not someone else’s array.

You gotta believe all your thoughts,
And not hiding them from view,
As if you give them up too soon,
They’ll never reveal to you

Your entire life is a book,
But the pages refuse to turn,
If you only take one more look,
You will never begin to learn.

Your entire life is a ball,
But the records refuse to play,
If you’re too scared to ever fall,
You will steadily drift away.


Your tension's building up
Your ropes are gonna snap,
Falling a hundred feet,
To gloom that lies below.

Your tension's building up
Your ropes are gonna snap,
Falling a hundred feet,
To gloom that lies below.

Your entire life is a book,
But the pages refuse to turn,
If you only take one more look,
You will never begin to learn.

Your entire life is a ball,
But the records refuse to play,
If you’re too scared to ever fall,
You will steadily drift away.


--------------------------------


Thank you.
#2
Quote by terahertz
Hey,

There's gotta be more to your life,
Than working from nine 'till five,
"L" is a letter that requires you to slow down to fully pronounce it. Thusly, change "till" to "to".
You gotta reach above the clouds.
If you wanna feel alive.

You've gotta tightly grasp your dreams,
Before they fall from your grip,
Gotta take the wheel of your life,
Don't swerve yourself off the ship.
Already, Ive seen a huge improvement. In both these stanzas, the meter is 8-7-8-7. No cheating whatsoever. That's great, especially at the beginning of a piece, because it's important that you establish the rhythm. Later in the piece is when you can cheat. My only complaint is that seven syllables felt wierd here, like it ended prematurely. Maybe that's just me though.

Your entire life is a book,
But the pages refuse to turn,
If you only take one more look,
You will never begin to learn.
Flow was a flat 8, which is good. I don't think line three made the thought very well, though. Try a different word selection.

Your entire life is a ball,
But the records refuse to play,
If you’re too scared to ever fall,
You will steadily drift away.

Change the beginning of the last line to "you'll". There are several issues however. One is that the line is now six syllables (if you cheat "steadily" into "stedly"). I'd make this change because it should be pronounced STEAD-il-ly. Here, it's stead-IL-ly. That change would fix it, but leave your line short. It doesn't feel like it's out of place in my head, but that's just my opinion.

If your heart's sat in the right place,
You can surely something great.
"Surely great" felt wierd. There should be a verb in there.
You've gotta hunt for what you want,
Excellent internal rhyme, and it emphasises the key words, too!
Don’t leave it all to fate.
Notice the punchlines have a lot more 'pop' to them?

You’ve gotta fight your obstacles,
Not tunnelling your way through,
If you hide them all in the dark,
They'll never cease haunting you.
Theres something with line two that didn't sit right with me. I mean, I'd always cheat "tunnelling" into two syllables, because you'd lose the three in your head. Tun-nel-el-lll-l-ing. Maybe that's just me. Also, what I've noticed is that you try and get by with as little key words as possible. That's okay sometimes, but your lines turn into a sea of predicates, interjections and other words that are just meant to connect. Part of it is because your line length is 8, but still, throw some deep descriptions in there. (By key words, I mean: Fight / Obstacles / Tunneling / Hide / Haunting.

Your entire life is a book,
But the pages refuse to turn,
If you only take one more look,
You will never begin to learn.

Your entire life is a ball,
But the records refuse to play,
If you’re too scared to ever fall,
You will steadily drift away.


You could either stick to the road,
Or try to make your own way,
You gotta build your set of rules,
Not someone else’s array.
Array, pronounced AR-ray felt forced and uncooperative.

You gotta believe all your thoughts,
And not hiding them from view,
As if you give them up too soon,
They’ll never reveal to you
That last line felt incomplete. Maybe here, you can breakoff into an interlude that finishes the thought. It could sound pretty sick, in my opinion...

Your entire life is a book,
But the pages refuse to turn,
If you only take one more look,
You will never begin to learn.

Your entire life is a ball,
But the records refuse to play,
If you’re too scared to ever fall,
You will steadily drift away.


Your tension's building up
Your ropes are gonna snap,
Falling a hundred feet,
To gloom that lies below.

Your tension's building up
Your ropes are gonna snap,
Falling a hundred feet,
To gloom that lies below.
To be honest, this entire section didn't add anything to the story. If anything, it changes what it's about, and focuses on the wrong thing. Instead of focusing on initiative, it turns it into another BREAK!-style song (hard to explain). And "below" was a bad punchline. At least take the second stanza out. We only need one.

Your entire life is a book,
But the pages refuse to turn,
If you only take one more look,
You will never begin to learn.

Your entire life is a ball,
But the records refuse to play,
If you’re too scared to ever fall,
You will steadily drift away.


--------------------------------


Thank you.

Overall, much better.
#4
Quote by terahertz
Than working from nine 'till five,
I would replace 'till' with 'to,' as it does seem to flow a bit better.

Quote by terahertz
Don't swerve yourself off the ship.
I didn't really like this line much. I probably would've gone with "Don't throw yourself from the ship," or something, but hey

Quote by terahertz
You will steadily drift away.
It seems as if you've chosen intellect over flow, as steadily doesn't really sit with me. 'Quickly' seems a lot better, as there's two syllables, compared to STEAD-il-y, which will also take longer to say.

Quote by terahertz
You can surely something great.
I think you're missing a word in there, so I don't know how to help, but I'm assuming it's either, "You can surely have something great," or, "You can surely be something great."

Quote by terahertz
Not tunnelling your way through,
'Tunnelling' seems too long and drawn-out for me liking. There aren't many better words, though, so

Quote by terahertz
Not someone else’s array.
Once again, my intellect-over-flow argument is back. I think 'way' flows a lot better than 'array,' as once again, array is more drawn-out and takes longer to get out.

Quote by terahertz
As if you give them up too soon,
It's probably cheating, but I'd replace, "As," with "'Cos," mainly for flow (again, ) Once again, it doesn't take as long to sing/say.

Quote by terahertz
Your tension's building up
Your ropes are gonna snap,
Falling a hundred feet,
To gloom that lies below.

Your tension's building up
Your ropes are gonna snap,
Falling a hundred feet,
To gloom that lies below.
These two verses don't really do anything for me. They don't progress in anyway, and they also change the subject matter of the song. The punchline fails, imo, and there is no need for two of them either.

And as for a title, maybe something like "Take Another Look," or something like that , maybe?

Hope that helps!

Critmysh1t?
Last edited by Ezuma at Jun 29, 2008,