#1
c4c.

Johnny Depp
Crystallize,
Crystal eyes.
Glazed, my favorite shade.
Tear-stained, spit-spattered
The pitter-patter of real pain.
We haven't hurt like this
Since we were kids,
And we found out that they
Canceled Christmas.
Uncharted territory,
Still so startling
The uneven heartbeating
You took. Over and over.
And you can't wage
Hospital wars in
Hospital wards,
So as I pull my chair
Towards your
Hospital bed
Can we just forget
What the score is?
Because I'm already
Winning, and next time
You'll end up dead.
#2
The title is lost on me.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Okay, first off, seperate your thoughts into stanzas. It helps us picture the flow. Secondly, I noticed that your thoughts don't really connect with other lines, to create a story. The first four lines are comepletely seperated from each other, and by themselves they do nothing. The piece still does some good stuff, like line threes internal rhyme, how it sets a flow that wouldn't have been there before. I don't like the way "winning" starts a whole new line. It's got to connect with the previous thought.

Crit mine in my sig?
#5
You still are one of my favorites on the site. This didn't disappoint.

Nothing bothered me at all, and this is my favorite since your last "untitled" a while ago.

Don't stop posting, please.
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
Quote by confusius
You can't see a story in this? I can, and I'm terrible at interpretations.


No, I can. It's just that the lines at the beginning didn't connect well to create something. I mean, what do crystal eyes have to do with this? Or glazed shade?
#8
Quote by NGD1313
c4c.
Johnny Depp
Crystallize,
Crystal eyes.
Glazed, my favorite shade.


Very nice effect, I love what you did the first two lines, and the internal rhyme was great.

Tear-stained, spit-spattered
The pitter-patter of real pain.


Lovely imagery and onomatopoeia. So far I love the imagery conjured.

We haven't hurt like this
Since we were kids,
And we found out that they
Canceled Christmas.


I quite like the change from very clever word choice to the simple way of telling how the guy feels. I think it works really well.

Uncharted territory,
Still so startling
The uneven heartbeating
You took. Over and over.


Great rhyming. Also, the emphasis of 'Over and over.' worked brilliantly.

And you can't wage
Hospital wars in
Hospital wards,


Again, love the clever play on words.

So as I pull my chair
Towards your
Hospital bed
Can we just forget
What the score is?
Because I'm already
Winning, and next time
You'll end up dead.


Great final section, and it really seals the imagery and the story off. Great rhyming, and the imagery is superb.

I really can't find anything bad to say except - What's with the title?
#9
Johnny Depp
Crystallize,
Crystal eyes.
sweet.
Glazed, my favorite shade.
Tear-stained, spit-spattered
The pitter-patter of real pain.
almost went over the line
with the alliteration/sonics here.
and coming from me,
that's saying a lot.

We haven't hurt like this
Since we were kids,
And we found out that they
Canceled Christmas.
Uncharted territory,
Still so startling
The uneven heartbeating
not a huge fan of heartbeating.
if there's a weak spot, this is it.

You took. Over and over.
And you can't wage
Hospital wars in
Hospital wards,
i spoke too soon.
the hospital, hospital works
but just barely.
and it appears again,
3 lines later.
something has to go.

So as I pull my chair
Towards your
Hospital bed
Can we just forget
What the score is?
Because I'm already
Winning, and next time
You'll end up dead.


lots of clever wordplay, and a crisp read.
strong even before you tweak it.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#10
Johnny Depp

I'm concerned by this piece. I sense this as more of an exercise than a piece.

Crystallize,
Crystal eyes.
Glazed, my favorite shade.
Glazed cut through the flow like a chainsaw, as did the comma, the original smooth opening you had was ruined, I'd really look into tweeking that.
Tear-stained, spit-spattered
The pitter-patter of real pain.
We haven't hurt like this
Since we were kids,
And we found out that they
Wasn't keen on the use of 'that' here, it slows the swift flow you were building up. Wasn't keen on the passive 'they' either, it's rather ambigous, to be direct like the rest of the piece is, by saying 'Christmas was cancelled' would be a far strong image. Also you're creating charaters that are never again featured.
Canceled Christmas.
Uncharted territory,
Still so startling
The uneven heartbeating
You took. Over and over.
And you can't wage
Hospital wars in
Hospital wards,
Excellent analysis of the setting, all the images you built up led to portray the setting that bit better. The use of 'wage' was spot on too.
So as I pull my chair
Towards your
Hospital bed
Agree with the comment about the 3rd use of Hospital, if you can get around it do so.
Can we just forget
What the score is?
Because I'm already
Winning, and next time
You'll end up dead.

Nice succinct ending if not a little lacking in command of your reader, just felt empty of rhythm and technique, like you wanted to end it cause you'd said enough already and rushed it.

Despite all this, I think you're one of the pioneers for the next trend in S+L. Since Shape has all but lost momentum, honest straight up and direct work is what I am seeing more and more of recently. Good luck with it man.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
Quote by The Hurt Within

like you wanted to end it cause you'd said enough already



That's the best way to end




love is a dog from hell.



#12
Oh yeah, don't doubt that. It just seemed plain to me, perhaps that was the best way, but it seemed as the piece went on the thought and the wordplay vanished. Half an hour later and I'm still thinking about the opening rather than the ending.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#13
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
No, I can. It's just that the lines at the beginning didn't connect well to create something. I mean, what do crystal eyes have to do with this? Or glazed shade?


Cause it's a "sad" story?


Excellent piece.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#14
I think enough discussion has been raised on this in order to warrant a reply. First off the title has a purpose, and apparently served it extremely well, in that it got you to read the piece.

Steve, you're absolutely correct in that this wasn't really a piece, so much as a lush and ridiculously indulgent workout on my part. I just felt like ripping it up with all the wordplay I could conjure from my head at that moment. You also caught me running out of gas at the end. My pieces come in sporadic fits of creativity and, unfortunately, I can't always find the words to wrap a story up. I liked how it started though, so I did my best to salvage it. Of course, I wouldn't expect to slip any weak writing under your radar. Thanks so much for your comments.

SYK, the sonics/alliteration was just me indulging myself and probably over the top, but I'm inclined to disagree with your comments about the "heartbeating you took" section because I love cheesy word-mashing. Still, I'm extremely grateful for your crit.

Everyone else, much love, glad to see you guys again. Thanks for the comments.
#17
This is also two months old.

If you want this reopened, Nick, PM me and I will re open it once it drops down a page or so. Its not fair to the new pieces for this to be up here again on a comment as simple as the one that bumped it.

Next time, Thrash... just PM him and give other writers there time on the front page.

Thanks,


-zC