#1
Alright, first off, I'd like to say that apokálypsis means "lifting of the veil" or something like that in Greek.. It's not necessarily the end of the world/existence. So get that thought out of your head, and you'll understand the meaning of this song better.

The singing style I have in mind is very Opeth, mixed with some At The Gates and In Flames.
Hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think. =)
* = growl
** = scream

Apokálypsis

*Blistering heat searing feathers,
Forsaken angels suspended on tattered wings,
Forever blinded by the inexpressible darkness,

**We are forgotten;
We traverse forlorn sands
searching for unattainable sight,
Banished to unknown depths
in the utter bowels of Hell,

*Lacerated countenance
gazing upon you,
Hands tear at flesh;
The final understanding flaying our minds;
Vociferations of the damned choke the atmosphere;

**We are forgotten;
We traverse forlorn sands
searching for unattainable sight,
Banished to unknown depths
in the utter bowels of Hell,

The Chosen proclaim
"What a shame, what a shame"

*Neglected warnings,
discarded signs,
Deafened auricles,
No escape from perdition

**The Chosen proclaim
"If only, if only"

*Too late for forgiveness
so we fall,
The stomach of this bottomless pit
awaits,

**The Chosen proclaim
"Never to be...

Forgotten,
we traverse forlorn sands
searching for unattainable sight,
Banished to unknown depths
in the utter bowels of Hell,

*Abandoned to eternal pain,
Born from sins of The Chosen Ones;
They drink from the River Lethe,
and we
are
forgotten


I'm not sure about the last verse.. I might drop it and end it on the last chorus... Don't know though.
Last edited by Garb at Jun 29, 2008,
#2
I find it REALLY hard to critique lyrics designed for growling and screaming, because obviously, they don't follow a real rhyming pattern.

I'd love to help out on this one, haha, but yeah, its just, I'm more of a 'singing' type of guy.
Critiquing-wise, lol.

And yeah, I'd drop the last verse as well, although I do like the first two lines, try putting them somewhere else and see how it works :P
#3
The whole apokalyps idea is way over done in metal, seems like every death metal type band has a song with that words somehow in the title of a one or more songs.
Quote by dcdossett65
Life is too short to worry about this crap.

Who.

Cares.
#4
If this was going to be typical heavy metal not screamo I would like it, it goes well with a rhythm, as for the song of mine you critiqued the first line is Russian and it really has no rhythm for the verses
#5
pretty sweet it'd make a good opeth style song but where is the acoustic interlude/dynamic change
My last.fm
Quote by OMMad
i've always found pop to be harder to play than metal... especially shred metal... it's just really fast tremolo picking and the occasional palm mute... and the only chords you have to worry about are power chords...
#6
Quote by HLrocker
The whole apokalyps idea is way over done in metal, seems like every death metal type band has a song with that words somehow in the title of a one or more songs.

I've personally never seen an apocalyptic song title. But that doesn't really matter. It's the meaning of apokalypsis that I was using.

Quote by eadgtotheend
If this was going to be typical heavy metal not screamo I would like it, it goes well with a rhythm, as for the song of mine you critiqued the first line is Russian and it really has no rhythm for the verses

So far (I started writing music after I wrote these lyrics) it's remaining a pretty heavy song. Death metal isn't my strong point, but I'm pleased with it. It's not really a screamo song in the sense that the word "screamo" implies. It's lower frequency screams, but not a growl.

Quote by Colton165
pretty sweet it'd make a good opeth style song but where is the acoustic interlude/dynamic change

There is none. lol I wasn't going for an Opeth type song, just the growling style. lol


Thanks for the input everyone. =)
#7
in my opinion it takes much more talent to write a "singing" song even something like three days grace or even korn you dont have to be dave matthews to be considered singing.....but i think your more along the lines of lamb of god......i cant understand a word of what they say so if your like them it really doesnt matter what you write for lyrics so ...GREAT JOB!!
#8
I really like the over all mood of the piece. It casts out the feeling of dread and opression, which I'm almost positive is what you where aiming for.

The word choice was a little iffy at times, but that might also be that I'm not too familar with some of them.

Overall, great piece of work, amazing writing
#9
I really like the wording that you have used through-out the song, it gives it depth.
I also like how you kept with the greek theme, wether intentionally or not, the referrance to Iccarus's wings i thought was brilliant. Im not so sure that i grasp the messge behind the song, but otherwise structured well, well written, good flow........only thing id change would be perhaps the last verse, though i am particularly fond of the final 2 lines.

Good job overall dude, keep it up!
#10
Quote by Ezuma
I find it REALLY hard to critique lyrics designed for growling and screaming, because obviously, they don't follow a real rhyming pattern.

I'd love to help out on this one, haha, but yeah, its just, I'm more of a 'singing' type of guy.
Critiquing-wise, lol.

And yeah, I'd drop the last verse as well, although I do like the first two lines, try putting them somewhere else and see how it works :P


not to sound like im trying to call you out or be an asshole, but how is the "disciple of LoG"(assuming you mean lamb of god) a "singing guy"? and not in to growling or screaming?

just wondering.
#11
Quote by 3rdActguitarist
I really like the over all mood of the piece. It casts out the feeling of dread and opression, which I'm almost positive is what you where aiming for.

The word choice was a little iffy at times, but that might also be that I'm not too familar with some of them.

Overall, great piece of work, amazing writing

Thanks. I'm not 100% on what I was trying to convey. I just got the idea and ran with it. Dread and oppression fit really well, so I guess I did a good job with that. =) lol

And yeah.. That's a thing about me. A lot of the words I use most people don't know.

Quote by LyricalDemon
I really like the wording that you have used through-out the song, it gives it depth.
I also like how you kept with the greek theme, wether intentionally or not, the referrance to Iccarus's wings i thought was brilliant. Im not so sure that i grasp the messge behind the song, but otherwise structured well, well written, good flow........only thing id change would be perhaps the last verse, though i am particularly fond of the final 2 lines.

Good job overall dude, keep it up!

Hmm. Thanks for the compliments.. But it surprised me (although, knowing the line I put about the Lethe in there, it shouldn't) when you said I kept a Greek theme. I didn't even think of that... Lol This song was written based off of Revelation (lost book in the Bible).. But now I see how it can be taken as Greek too. Awesome. lol


Thanks for all your comments guys. If there's anything you'd like me to check out, let me know. =)
#12
I don't need to say anything here - normally I would try and shred this to pieces - but I feel like when someone describes how they want it to be sang excatly, it removes my desires for change and imagination and tosses it tactlessly to the ground. Which is kind of a bad thing...
#13
Quote by Garb

*Abandoned to eternal pain

I feel this way the whole song.
#14
Quote by Garb
Alright, first off, I'd like to say that apokálypsis means "lifting of the veil" or something like that in Greek.. It's not necessarily the end of the world/existence. So get that thought out of your head, and you'll understand the meaning of this song better.

The singing style I have in mind is very Opeth, mixed with some At The Gates and In Flames.
Hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think. =)
* = growl
** = scream

Apokálypsis

*Blistering heat searing feathers,
Forsaken angels suspended on tattered wings,
Forever blinded by the inexpressible darkness,

**We are forgotten;
We traverse forlorn sands
searching for unattainable sight,
Banished to unknown depths
in the utter bowels of Hell,

*Lacerated countenance
gazing upon you,
Hands tear at flesh;
The final understanding flaying our minds;
Vociferations of the damned choke the atmosphere;

**We are forgotten;
We traverse forlorn sands
searching for unattainable sight,
Banished to unknown depths
in the utter bowels of Hell,

The Chosen proclaim
"What a shame, what a shame"

*Neglected warnings,
discarded signs,
Deafened auricles,
No escape from perdition

**The Chosen proclaim
"If only, if only"

*Too late for forgiveness
so we fall,
The stomach of this bottomless pit
awaits,

**The Chosen proclaim
"Never to be...

Forgotten,
we traverse forlorn sands
searching for unattainable sight,
Banished to unknown depths
in the utter bowels of Hell,

*Abandoned to eternal pain,
Born from sins of The Chosen Ones;
They drink from the River Lethe,
and we
are
forgotten


I'm not sure about the last verse.. I might drop it and end it on the last chorus... Don't know though.


I felt I was there.
#15
Quote by AngryGoldfish
I don't need to say anything here - normally I would try and shred this to pieces - but I feel like when someone describes how they want it to be sang excatly, it removes my desires for change and imagination and tosses it tactlessly to the ground. Which is kind of a bad thing...

It was there more or less to explain/help along the flow/phrasing.

Quote by candysars
I feel this way the whole song.

Quote by Matt Chavie
I felt I was there.

Is that good or bad? lol =)
#17
I like the vocabulary so long as you aren't writing the lyrics with a thesaurus in hand
#18
The song can wok for sure
The lyrics I can understand
Good Job, But make sure you show this to metal heads, lol
A 8.5/10
C4C