#1
For a second time, I like a piece I've written...

Averting a Blind Eye

--
I once saw a couple kiss,
one like no other;
their sentiments exchanged without the need
to spoil the moment,
or by breaking a centimeters breadth.
Not a word was whispered to stoke
their flame,
nor should a word be written to capture
their fire -
but as one does when stirred
by impulse, an antilogy
was born -

They held the durable hands of clocks
steady for just a second,
so much so that no one would ever know.
They ignored their need to breathe
for twice as long,
leaving no gape to let the passion
they shared to pass
between their lips and back.
Their intentions sheltered behind fastened lids,
damp with expression,
not needing to peek to witness
one another picturing each other.
With expectations met,
he rose, and together
defined the extent of their separation,
by remaining hand in hand
for a moment more.

They - not wishing upon them death,
just as one might when scarred
by vivacity -
ceased to exist in my eyes;
captured by my imagination.
Because we are all blind, you
just see what you want to see.
--
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Jul 3, 2008,
#2
For a second time, I like a piece I've written...

Averting a blind eye

This pieces is just dripping in this wonderfully, engaging emotion, especially come the ending, that it gives me new inspiration to write. Steve, this was just such an excellently executed piece. I couldn't praise it enough, it's ability to make me see and make me feel something was far more than it has ever been with your pieces. I though this was fantastic, mate.

--
I once saw a couple kiss,
one like no other;
their sentiments exchanged without the need
to spoil the moment, or
I like how the enjambment highlights the alliteration in the next line. I feel cutting the "or" and have it so it reads "the moment/by breaking". It seems more natural, the "or" read like over-fussy filler to me.
by breaking a centimeters breadth.
Not a word was whispered to stoke
their flame,
nor should a word be written to
capture their fire -
Just great sentiments here. Use of cliche here is great, as is your semantics; a consistent tone and imagery really brought this piece to life.
but as one does when they are stirred
by impulse, an antilogy
was born -
This was the most awkward part in my opinion. The idea is there, and I feel it's a good one that reallly contributes to the ending, but the wording of this, especially the first clause, is straining too hard to explain the idea.

They held the durable hands of clocks
steady for just a second,
so much so no one would ever know.
I don't know if the omission of "that" before no-one. I feel it would add a cool little clash to the sibilance you've put here.
They ignored their need to breathe
for twice as long,
This was just superb, mann, really.
leaving no gape to let the particles
Gap, not gape.
they shared to pass,
but between their lips and back.
Awkward wording of this in my opinion. Maybe you could try somthing different here? Particles is almost too easy for you, it's a recurring piece of imagery you use but I think somethign fresher could work better here. Plus, "particles" doesn't have that epic feeling that you created with the clocks/breathing in the earlier part of the stanza. You go from big to really small, and I think it just kicked the earlier ideas a bit. The last line also felt quite odd, read weirdly. Didn't get the image cross very well in my opinion.
Their intentions sheltered behind fastened lids,
Took me three lines to realise these were eye-lids. Don't know if that's good or not. Threw me for a second.
damp with expression,
not needing to peek to witness
one another picturing each other.
Good, again.
With expectations met,
he rose, and, together
defined the
extent of their separation
by remaining hand in hand for
a moment more.
Always the hardest part, this, the narrative part. The punctuation seems slightly over fussy at the start, eve if it does make it read correctly. Also nto sure if the enjambment works for you here; especailly the/extent, for/a. I think the former is because of the two-word line jars the flow slightly, and looks worse on the page. The latter, i think "for" would do better in the last line, maybe. Comma after seperation, maybe? And I advice cutting the one after "met".

They - not wishing upon them death,
just as one might when they are scarred
by vivacity -
This line - on first read - was compelling in it's contrast from the rest of the piece. Darker, and far mroe personal than the imagery which has set up the peice thus far; a real insight into your character here and I thought these lines were pivotal, and you did a good job of putting an exclamation on that with "they" and your wording, with "death" and "scarred" really pushing the shift in tone. Excellent awareness of your readers, Steve. Credit for it, it's something many forget.
ceased to exist in my eyes;
captured by my imagination.
Not sure I like thei magintion line. I feel it's a bit too ambigous for my liking; no where near as strong as anything else in this piece.
Because we are all blind, you
just see what you want to see.
The simple way you put this made it. It's great. And it gives the reader so much incentive to go back to the piece, which is good. Very well done.
--


I'm really glad you posted. Real glad. My favourite from you that I've read. I feel you really accomplished many things with this, and, from what you've posted on these forums, I feel it's a big step in the right direction in that you have turned that deep, more cryptic cleverness you had into an accesible, yet far more powerful form.

Thanks Steve.
#4
Jamie, the thanks wil be returned in earnest, trouble is I can't thank you enough: win/win.

I've touched up most of the areas you highlighted, hopefully for the better. Just two things, with the 'or' at the beginning, I didn't want to blend the two images into one; 'need
to spoil the moment,' refers to speech, the second refers to breaking the moment itself, I might need to clarify that better on reflection.
The second is 'gape', I was aiming at creating a opposite meaning to gap, trying to extend the image, but since you're the second to raise that point, I'm on the verge of making it 'gap'.

Again, thank you man, that meant a lot.

Zach, I'm just pleased you liked it.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
For a second time, I like a piece I've written...

Averting a Blind Eye

--
I once saw a couple kiss,
one like no other;
their sentiments exchanged without the need
to spoil the moment, or
by breaking a centimeters breadth.
your balls are literarily bigger than mine.
gramatically this doesn't attach properly
when the or and the previous choice is removed.
it seems to work, but i don't know how you get away with it.
Not a word was whispered to stoke
their flame,
nor should a word be written to
capture their fire -
but as one does when stirred
by impulse, an antilogy
was born -
another move i'm way too timid to make.
but as one does ...
doesn't really fit with
was born.
they're connected, but not in the same form/tense.
yet you manage to make this work.
we talked previously about the pivotal word in this section.
i still think you're a bastard. lol

They held the durable hands of clocks
steady for just a second,
so much so that no one would ever know.
They ignored their need to breathe
for twice as long,
leaving no gape to let the passion
they shared to pass
between their lips and back.
Their intentions sheltered behind fastened lids,
damp with expression,
not needing to peek to witness
one another picturing each other.
With expectations met,
he rose, and together
defined the extent of their separation,
by remaining hand in hand
for a moment more.
the gape thing isn't working.
we just aren't smart enough to get the suBtlety of this.
it's just perceived as a misapplication, not as word play.

They - not wishing upon them death,
just as one might when they are scarred
by vivacity -
ceased to exist in my eyes;
captured by my imagination.
Because we are all blind, you
just see what you want to see.
--
i gotta put this one in my toolkit.
much cleaner look than parentheses.
hated the tone shift on the first read.
love it now.
i feel privileged to have read this before it hit the forum.
wotw i think.
woty, maybe.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6

Not as good as your prose. Good, but not that good. It's about you imagining two people kissing. But it's not real. None of your stuff is. That's why I don't like it - not enough real.




love is a dog from hell.



#7
sorry for the late bump, but i loved this.
that is all.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
Quote by The Hurt Within

I once saw a couple kiss,
one like no other;
their sentiments exchanged without the need
to spoil the moment, or I would move this "or" to the next line, it reads oddly
by breaking a centimeters breadth.
Not a word was whispered to stoke
their flame,
I'm not sure this really needed to be 2 lines.
nor should a word be written to
capture their fire -
but as one does when stirred
by impulse, an antilogy
was born -

Nice use of irony here.

They held the durable hands of clocks
steady for just a second,
so much so that no one would ever know.
They ignored their need to breathe
for twice as long,
I really liked this part, I thought the description was fantastic.
leaving no gape to let the passion
I don't like the word gape. Probably a personal dislike though, so I'll ignore it.
they shared to pass
between their lips and back.
Their intentions sheltered behind fastened lids,
damp with expression,
not needing to peek to witness
one another picturing each other.
All brilliant.
With expectations met,
he rose, and together
Expectations met? It might be just me, but that sounds like the way I'd describe a job interview, it's so impersonal. And the word rose seems like some kind of odd Shakespearean sexual pun in this context. Just thought I'd point that out.
defined the extent of their separation,
by remaining hand in hand
for a moment more.

These last 3 lines are beautiful.

They - not wishing upon them death,
just as one might when they are scarred
by vivacity -
ceased to exist in my eyes;
captured by my imagination.
Because we are all blind, you
just see what you want to see.

I'm not sure what to think here. The last 4 lines are a nice twist, but I can't really get my head around the first line. Maybe I'm just being slow, but I'm thrown off by the idea of death. I don't understand why you would wish death upon them.
--


I enjoyed it, but I thought occasionally your downfall was being too clever with language. It all flows nicely and has some wonderful description though.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#10
very imaginative.

makes it seem like we can really wonder what goes on in one's mind.


it's pretty out there but it's the good kind of other-worldly bliss.
#11
Perhaps I'd wish death upon them out of jealousy, but I don't actually wish that, just to forget what I'd seen.

As always, thank you to all. I am actually critiquing atm, so jump in if you want one.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#12
For a second time, I like a piece I've written...

Averting a Blind Eye

--
I once saw a couple kiss,
one like no other;
their sentiments exchanged without the need
to spoil the moment, or
by breaking a centimeters breadth.
Not a word was whispered to stoke
their flame,

nor should a word be written to
capture their fire -
but as one does when stirred
by impulse, an antilogy
was born -

Nice flow and vocabulary, and a good setting of imagery (as always)

They held the durable hands of clocks
steady for just a second,
so much so that no one would ever know.
They ignored their need to breathe
for twice as long,
leaving no gape to let the passion
they shared to pass
between their lips and back.
Their intentions sheltered behind fastened lids,
damp with expression,
not needing to peek to witness
one another picturing each other.
With expectations met,
he rose, and together
defined the extent of their separation,
by remaining hand in hand
for a moment more.

That's a hell of a kiss. "With Expectations Met"? doesn't quite feel right for this piece. Makes it feel like there are high standards in their relationship or one is better than the other. But the rest of this is great

They - not wishing upon them death,
just as one might when they are scarred
by vivacity -
ceased to exist in my eyes;
captured by my imagination.
Because we are all blind, you
just see what you want to see.

Great wording, but flow on the sixth line I feel should go

"Because we all are blind, you"

Unless it was typo.....


--



Overall it was a great piece....
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#13
This was one of those works that I can't tell to be held by a meter. It would be too mechanical to contain in such a way. Your imagery is wonderful, and your freeform rhythm is, for the most part, spot on.
#14
Beautiful imagary conveyed through words although I find it hard to imagine what style of music you could put this too.

c4c
Here We Are
#15
For a second time, I like a piece I've written...

Averting a Blind Eye

--
I once saw a couple kiss,
one like no other;
their sentiments exchanged without the need
to spoil the moment,

First four lines are good. Only problem I picked up on is the flow. It lacks the bounciness to keep my reading smooth. I don't know if you intended it this way or maybe I'm missing something that you're trying to do, but as far as I can tell, your syllable count is all over the place for these lines (and the next couple). Content-wise, this was a decent beginning, it didn't exactly suck me in whole-heartedly, but it got me to pay attention.

or by breaking a centimeters breadth.
Not a word was whispered to stoke
their flame,
nor should a word be written to capture
their fire -
but as one does when stirred
by impulse, an antilogy
was born -

First things first, antilogy? I had to hit the dictionary for that one, and, as usual, a perfect word choice. This was better, flow-wise, the syllables start to level out and it's easier to read it without awkward pauses. Content-wise, these lines read wonderfully, my interest is genuinely piqued now.

They held the durable hands of clocks
steady for just a second,
so much so that no one would ever know.
They ignored their need to breathe
for twice as long,

This is my favorite part content-wise. I dig the internal rhyme in line 4, but I almost feel like you were stretching for the one in the line 3. It doesn't sound bad, per se, it just lacks the natural rhythm you were establishing, at least it does when I read it.


leaving no gape to let the passion
they shared to pass
between their lips and back.
Their intentions sheltered behind fastened lids,
damp with expression,
not needing to peek to witness
one another picturing each other.

I'll assume you meant 'gap' instead of 'gape'. The imagery and concept you give to the act here is making me green with envy. The second line reads kinda funny because of the 'to' in there, but I'd imagine you put that in there for flow reasons. The 4th line is an absolute gem in my book. Really though, this bit is excellent.

With expectations met,
he rose, and together
defined the extent of their separation,
by remaining hand in hand
for a moment more.

Content-wise, obviously, progressing the story, though I can't help, but feel it lacks the gripping intensity of the last couple sections I cut it into. Still, flow-wise, nothing overly-obtrusive, and a decent progression of the set-up.


They - not wishing upon them death,
just as one might when scarred
by vivacity -
ceased to exist in my eyes;
captured by my imagination.
Because we are all blind, you
just see what you want to see.

Flow-wise, the first three lines were really marginal for me. Content-wise, this ending was brilliantly-crafted. Loved it.

--


This piece was very strong, even for you. While I've always admired your talent as a writer, I usually find your pieces to be dense and technically-loaded, but not necessarily my style as a reader, but this was much more relatable to me. I felt not only impressed by your skill for crafting a piece, but also for the universal appeal it holds. Also, sorry this crit is so late, I never really have been punctual with these things.
#16
I liked this, sir.

The flow and subtle rhymes are crazy.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#20
Averting a Blind Eye

I once saw a couple kiss,
one like no other;
their sentiments exchanged without the need
to spoil the moment,
or by breaking a centimeters breadth.
Not a word was whispered to stoke
their flame,
nor should a word be written to capture
their fire -
but as one does when stirred
by impulse, an antilogy
was born -

Pristine here, you did a good job of taking a used topic and describing it in a fresh new way. As common as flames/fires are used to describe love, I really liked these lines:

"Not a word was whispered to stoke
their flame,
nor should a word be written to capture
their fire -"


They held the durable hands of clocks
steady for just a second,
so much so that no one would ever know.
They ignored their need to breathe
for twice as long,
leaving no gape to let the passion
they shared to pass
between their lips and back.
I felt this started to drag on JUST a little bit towards the end of this segment... Solid, though.

Their intentions sheltered behind fastened lids,
damp with expression,
not needing to peek to witness
one another picturing each other.
These last two lines here were a bit awkward.

With expectations met,
he rose, and together
defined the extent of their separation,
by remaining hand in hand
for a moment more.
Could have said this with the same impact without using aforementioned awkward lines :P


They - not wishing upon them death,
just as one might when scarred
by vivacity -
Would one wish this?

ceased to exist in my eyes;
captured by my imagination.
Because we are all blind, you
just see what you want to see.
Shades of BPC with the profound ending.

Overall this was good, the actual topic wasn't the most enticing of all, but you held it together nicely