#1
Here we are,
shirts off in the rain,
and I love you,
(no homo)
you don't know you're a poem.

You are graceless stains
on my bedroom carpet--
Budweiser,
Jameson in hot apple cider,
screwdrivers--
each a unique dream-like shape
scents thick and sweet as syrup
while we blossom loud and honest
intimate blushing sex questions.
Kinkiest thing you've ever done?
I keep forgetting I fucked
your sister once, thrashing through
seventeen-- righteous abysmal fury--
while she tried making love with me.

You are innumerable toppled
red solos--oh fuck!-- your mother calls,
then your girlfriend,
your voice a thin, high tremor,
a genuine, disarming tenderness
that lets men remember themselves.

You stomp a black bathroom towel
into the floor as we speak of leash love,
manhood coming from far off on foot;
you stomp, and stomp,
trying to spare the stain.

Here we are,
shirts off in the rain.
Setting like a horror movie without the feeling:
Casper-white paint peeling itself from the walls
sky black and open as a wolf's throat
a green, though not now, not in the dark,
field of nothing, one lone tree
waiting patiently. The wind
is a whip that hits from all directions;
Tornado? in Connecticut?
The rain comes like bullets
from hundreds of pellet guns.

Here we are.
Our shirts are off.
Your skin glitters like tinsel,
arms straight in the air -
gladiatorial victory pose,
smiling widely, all braces gone,
shrugging your collar.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
Last edited by less than that at Jul 1, 2008,
#3
Here we are,
shirts off in the rain,
and I love you,
(no homo)
Why is this necessary?
you don't know you're a poem.

Love the last line, but the punctuation tripped
me up. I would either put a period after the
first you and capitalize the second, or put a but
in front of the second you. Minor, just bugs me.



You are graceless stains
on my bedroom carpet--
Budweiser,
Jameson in hot apple cider,
screwdrivers--
each a unique cloud-like shape
Cloud-like removes me from the poem; compared
to the awesome imagery preceding it, this just seems weak.

scents thick and sweet as syrup
while we blossom loud and honest
intimate blushing sex questions.
Kinkiest thing you've ever done?
I keep forgetting I fucked
your sister once, thrashing through
17-- righteous abysmal fury--
I'd rather see 17 spelled out.
while she tried making love with me.

You are innumerable toppled
red solos--oh fuck!--but with the effect
of presenting a picture of oneself as a child-
This line lost me, and it seems to turn to pros
for a while here, which left a lot to be desired flow-wise.
I think you're trying to cram too many things in here, and that
it should be separated or watered down a bit.

a genuine, disarming tenderness
that lets men remember themselves.

Your mother calls, then your girlfriend,
and you stomp a black bathroom towel
into the floor as we speak of leash love,
and manhood coming from far off on foot,
and you stomp, and you stomp,
Another small thing, this would sound better
without the second you.

trying to spare the stain.

Here we are,
shirts off in the rain.
Setting like a horror movie w/o the feeling:
Please, like 17, spell out without.
Laziness doesn't suite this piece.

Casper-white paint peeling itself from the walls
sky black and open as a wolf's throat
a green,though not now, not in the dark,
field of nothing, one lone tree
waiting patiently. The wind
waiting patiently did well setting the scene for me,
very nice picture you've created.

is a whip that hits from all directions;
tornado? in Connecticut?
The rain comes like bullets
from hundreds of pellet guns.

*Above comment repeated for the whole
end of this stanza.


Here we are.
Our shirts are off.
Your skin shimmers like tinsel,
arms straight in the air -
gladiatorial victory pose,
smiling widely, all braces gone,
shrugging your collar.

I don't like the extent of the choppiness in
this last stanza, it leaves me with a negatively
malleable memory of the whole poem.



You haver a talent for metaphor and imagery, very nice job. I'm still a little curious about the "no homo" portion of this though. I'll have a new piece out tomorrow, or if want to take a look at one in the sig I'd appreciate it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
I have nothing to say except -


Beautiful.
With a "fucking" in front of it to emphasize it.
Poor advice.
#7
I have nothing to say except -


Beautiful.
With a "fucking" in front of it to emphasize it.

Ya.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
'You are innumerable toppled
red solos--oh ****!--but with the effect' stopped the flow too much for my liking.

Wavered a bit towards the end. The beginning and middle were magnificent.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Quote by DigUpHerBones
'You are innumerable toppled
red solos--oh ****!--but with the effect' stopped the flow too much for my liking.

Wavered a bit towards the end. The beginning and middle were magnificent.


This, exactly. I was so pumped at the beginning, but by the end... it just felt warn down. Like you had lost the intensity and had no idea how to close out the idea, so you just threw something on that winded everything down.

Still, a hell of a read.
#11
I agree with that, it'll change in edits. thanks guys.

we have sound, what's the deal with your sig?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#13
are you my mommy? edits are up, there'll probably be more later.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in