#1
C4C (leave link)

Disciples
fire rifles
like need
of alimentation
in an incarceration,
where corpses feed
pre-corpses.
Endless cycles.
Demented disciples.

Like Ted Bundies
running loosely,
waiting to be free
in this utopia
called anarchy,
where myopia
Impedes people to see
what’s right before their eyes:
A conjecture of lies.

You see what they shove in your face:
they gave you freedom for the disgrace
you ignorantly obeyed,
thanks to the years you lived enslaved
by law.

Life quality
in this society,
is just a myth
you conceived
and tried to relive,
the golden-days dreams,
Innovative schemes;
but now who stand’s
just an old man.

He lost his fight haste,
the need of a new taste.
He’s underrated
and underestimated.
The years left scars,
everyday memoirs
of yesterday’s wars,
when the folk had the rifles,
not the disciples.
#2
I remember reading this one before, and I liked it. Don't know why I didn't leave a critique.

I am a little confused as to who the 'folk' in the second to last line are, they aren't mentioned at any other point. Otherwise, I like it, there is a little bit of forced rhyming up there somewhere (utopia/myopia--I liked it, but it seemed a bit shoved in)

On the plus side, this is a very aggressive, straightforward piece, which I think you were going for; it has a lot of energy. The concluding section is my favorite by far, it does a good job of summing up the lyrics without being redundant, and uses some great diction besides.
#3
Quote by seventh_angel

Disciples
fire rifles
like need
of alimentation
in an incarceration,
where corpses feed
pre-corpses.
Endless cycles.
Demented disciples.

Ok, most of this is good, although the final line seems a little redundant, since it's just re-iteration of what you said in the rest of the stanza. Also, I feel as though the 2nd line is forced, as if you had the rhyme and you just really wanted to integrate somehow, so you threw those two lines together.

Like Ted Bundies
running loosely,
waiting to be free
in this utopia
called anarchy,
where myopia
Impedes people to see
what’s right before their eyes:
A conjecture of lies.

Ted Bundies? I guess this is a cultural thing, but whatever. The rest of this is quite good, although the flow is disrupted in the last 2 lines.

You see what they shove in your face:
they gave you freedom for the disgrace
you ignorantly obeyed,
thanks to the years you lived enslaved
by law.

I enjoyed this stanza. The rhymes could be seen as forced, but it didn't bother me, and to say there was a problem would be nitpicking.

Life quality
in this society,
is just a myth
you conceived
and tried to relive,
the golden-days dreams,
Innovative schemes;
but now who stand’s
just an old man.

There doesn't need to be an apostrophe on "stands".

He lost his fight haste,
the need of a new taste.
He’s underrated
and underestimated.
The years left scars,
everyday memoirs
of yesterday’s wars,
when the folk had the rifles,
not the disciples.

This is the best stanza by far. The rhyming is just smooth and the imagery is wonderful.


I felt you were a little obvious and repetitive with your themes, but it was really nice to read, and technically speaking, I can't find many faults, except a slightly bumpy flow here and there.

Crit mine?: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=896212
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#4
Quote by seventh_angel
C4C (leave link)

Disciples
fire rifles
Decent, though not my taste.
like need
Considering the next lines, I can't see this actually adding any value, nor connecting thoughts. And this line brings the line count up to nine, which is hard to work.
of alimentation
in an incarceration,
I gotta be honest with you, this was bad. Fish sticks aren't a very musical instrument, just like "alimentation" isn't a musical word. Put down the fish sticks and pick up a pencil. And it's a cliche rhyme as well. BIG WORD BIG WORD.
where corpses feed
pre-corpses.
Doesn't contribute, rhyme or flow, regarding that last line.
Endless cycles.
Demented disciples.
Okay... but I'm getting bored with your sentences, how each line gets one, and how they don't really form whole thoughts. "Demented disciples" isn't a full sentence.

Like Ted Bundies
running loosely,
waiting to be free
in this utopia
called anarchy,
where myopia
Impedes people to see
what’s right before their eyes:
A conjecture of lies.
Much better connection, rhyme and flow. I would end with the "ee" rhyme rather than the "i" rhyme, though.

You see what they shove in your face:
they gave you freedom for the disgrace
you ignorantly obeyed,
Second line, "disgrace doesn't feel like it contributes to the meaning at all. Third line is cliche.
thanks to the years you lived enslaved
by law.
Two words. You have a rhythm dealing with roughly 8 syllables, and you tack this on at the end. I can understand the rhyme that you have, but I don't think this flows well.

A- Life quality
A- in this society,
X- is just a myth
B- you conceived
X- and tried to relive,
B- the golden-days dreams,
B- Innovative schemes;
C- but now who stand’s
C- just an old man.
I originally didn't like your rhyme scheme, but it grew on me.

He lost his fight haste,
the need of a new taste.
Doesn't create a whole though.
He’s underrated
and underestimated.
Doesn't have a good flow, since it's the same sentence twice, only you shove two syllables in the middle of the word. The concept has potential, they just need to have the same syllable count.
The years left scars,
everyday memoirs
Bad flow in second line.
of yesterday’s wars,
when the folk had the rifles,
not the disciples.


Your rhyme schemes were unique, but your thoughts didn't connect on several occasions.

Tear up my song (in my sig).
#5
Thank you for all your comments, I already checked on yours. Now, to clear your doubts up. The "folk" refers to the folk in general, like the countryside population (in here we call them the folk, I don't know if the expression is different on the US or UK or whatever). Ted Bundies refers to the serial killer Ted Bundy.

Thank you again for making the know the ups and downs of my pieces, it's everything I really want to know.
#6
Quote by seventh_angel
Thank you for all your comments, I already checked on yours. Now, to clear your doubts up. The "folk" refers to the folk in general, like the countryside population (in here we call them the folk, I don't know if the expression is different on the US or UK or whatever). Ted Bundies refers to the serial killer Ted Bundy.


I assumed the plural of Bundy meant it was some kind of object.

Anyway, the word folk serves pretty much the same purpose in the UK.
I play by my own rules. And I have one rule; There are no rules... but if there are, they're there to be broken. Even this one.


Confused? Good.

Quote by CrucialGutchman
Sigs are wastes of my precious screen space.

^ Irony

Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
LET ME HUMP YOU DAMMIT
#8
Agree with break-me-in's first post, other than that I'm not fond of the rhyme in the third stanza. The last two were excellent, but I think that unfortunately the difference in quality really is noticeable, though the rest is good.

I know that's not really in depth enough to ask for this as break-me-in said pretty much what I wanted to, but if you'd care to look over the last piece (4) in my sig I'd be very welcome.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 2, 2008,