#1
Crit For Crit

So i have an idea for a song, with these lyrics

this part would be a spoken intro:

Life Is Just One Big Decision
The doctor makes a quick incision
trying to save one life
Out you go, the drugs have spread
you rise with a pounding head

Then the actual sung part would be:

Destroying the essence of a great surprise
An old mans birth eventually dies
dont speak to soon its happened before
another story thrown under the floor
People speak of the great inner mind
one thought leads to a serious crime
Dont wander too far little boy
insane people dont need another toy
****ed up things happen at twilight
people dont even get a chance for a final fight...

Why not instead find the pal suicide
things happen in the great old mind
Everything is changing before my sorrow eyes

Big violets now black and white
Felt the heat of a shining light
Ive lost touch with so many things
Felt the essence of a human being
Lost and confused i make a crime
The neverending pain controls my mind
Ending pain, i realize the reaction
people crowding like a great attraction

ive ended the thought to my kingdom come
Angels look beside my grave
I feel proud when they say "What A Waste"

Cliche but hey please crit?
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#2
I really liked it, the lyrics are very powerful and paint a vivid picture in my mind :]
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#3
somebody else?
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper
#4
Quote by Guitarplaya27
Crit For Crit

So i have an idea for a song, with these lyrics

this part would be a spoken intro:

Life Is Just One Big Decision
The doctor makes a quick incision
"Big" and "Quick" creates a good internal rhyme, and preps you for a good end-rhyme that follows.
trying to save one life
Out you go, the drugs have spread
you rise with a pounding head
The last line ruins the flow. It's only one syllable short, but it puts alot of sustain on "rise", a word not meant to be bent.

Then the actual sung part would be:

Destroying the essence of a great surprise
An old mans birth eventually dies
Nice imagery.
dont speak to soon its happened before
another story thrown under the floor
Not all that good of an image.
People speak of the great inner mind
one thought leads to a serious crime
"Inner mind" doesn't lend itself to the next line very well, in terms of meaning.
Dont wander too far little boy
insane people dont need another toy
****ed up things happen at twilight
people dont even get a chance for a final fight...
Cliche as hell. Don't stretch your lines too far.

Why not instead find the pal suicide
Difficult flow. You turn into triplets for the last half. Tough to pick up on.
things happen in the great old mind
Everything is changing before my sorrow eyes
Feels like it's floating around, uncontributing.

Big violets now black and white
Felt the heat of a shining light
Ive lost touch with so many things
Felt the essence of a human being
Lost and confused i make a crime
The neverending pain controls my mind
Too long.
Ending pain, i realize the reaction
people crowding like a great attraction
This stanza realizes your skill at internally maintaining your lines. Emphasis allows you to cheat on meter, because the long sounds establish a rhythm. Your meter here is 8 syllables a line, but you hardly ever adhere to it, because emphasis gives you that freedom.
ive ended the thought to my kingdom come
Angels look beside my grave
I feel proud when they say "What A Waste"
Your flow to triplets in the last line comes somewhat easily, because of word selection, and the quote at the end.

Cliche but hey please crit?


Overall, I saw some excellent talents displayed. You seemed to stretch your lines a bit, particularly when you did not establish a flow, which hurt you. Go back and analyse the stresses naturally placed on each word, so you can identify where the rhythm was established and where it was not.

(x A x B x A x B) Natural and strict. Sounds good.

(x A xx B x A xx B) Natural and loose. Sounds good.

(xxa x B xx A xb) Forced, unnatural and weaving. Sounds like a retarded monkey.
#5
Thanks man

i will look trhough it again and post a new much later

but thank you, i will crit your song
Call me Sean
Quote by Nilpferdkoenig
He's just trying to protect our innocence.


Yes i am
Quote by :Vicious--

Your flirting powers are incredible.



Gear:
Schecter S1 Elite Black Cherry (Soapbar Neck, Invader Bridge)
Schecter Banshee
Orange Dual Terror
Boss CE-5
Goatkeeper