#1
He went left but she was right;
the clock was wrong, three hands behind.
When Noon chords struck he deplored to find
himself the object of subjective time.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they are on a search
for absolute perfection.

She woke up on the streets of Rome
with no idea how to get home
and he was in the Vatican,
confessing one of many sins.

Rendezvous in the waterways,
affection in discreet displays.
Then he looked up with his head down
and asked her if she'd stick around.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they keep on searching
for absolute perfection.

She said
Marry the future,
divorce your past,
and I can present you
heart filled contrast.


He swam away but turned right back,
picked her up and made a splash.
They're still dousing the world today,
losing the roads but finding a way.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they finally found
absolute perfection.


First song in a while (fast, Supertramp-ish style). c4c
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 2, 2008,
#2
So, to begin with, I'm not crazy about the rhyming in this piece. For one thing, you have 3 or 4 different rhyming patterns. It makes some of it come off as forced. I would like to see this piece with little or no rhyming because I think it would let you get a little more creative and less restricted. Other than that, here goes:

He went left but she was right;
the clock was wrong, three hands behind.
When Noon chords struck he deplored to find
himself the subject of subjective time.

I like the idea here, but a couple things caught my attention. First line is great. I really like the second line when I first read it, but then I realized that I didn't understand what "three hands behind" meant. It sounds good and if you're going for more of an abstract feel, its fine, but if you want something easier for people to picture, maybe go with something like "three turns behind." Just my opinion. Also, maybe its just me, but the rhythm gets hung up trying to get the word "subjective" out.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they are on a search
for absolute perfection.

This repeated stanza, in my opinion, falls flat. You're just not really saying anything that jumps out at me or makes me feel anything from it. And the fact that this is the repeating idea through the song, just makes it a little weaker.

She woke up on the streets of Rome
with no idea how to get home
and he was in the Vatican,
confessing one of many sins.

Good stanza. Second line seems a little choppy with all the short words, though.

Rendezvous in the waterways,
affection in lovely displays.
Then he looked up with his head down
and asked her if she'd stick around.

I like this a lot.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they keep on searching
for absolute perfection.

She said
Marry the future,
divorce your past,
and I can present you
heart filled contrast.

This is probably my favorite stanza, but I still feel like the last line is forced because of the rhyming.

He swam away but turned right back,
picked her up and made a splash.
They're still dousing the world today,
losing the roads but finding a way.

This is good because it doesn't follow such a rigid form. The lines are a little longer and the rhyming is different. This would make a good bridge.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they finally found
absolute perfection.

----

Overall, very solid piece. Personally, I would change/lose the rhyming but if you want it to rhyme, thats you're choice as writer. At the very least, a promising start.

Could you take a look at mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=894208
#3
Really nice song mate, although I would like to add a comment if I may.

The chorus so to speak could possibly read

And all these roads
Lead in so many directions
On their own search
For absolute perfection

I quite like the rest of the song. Keep on writing
#4
I liked how the first verse was more abstract than the rest of the song, while the other verses were presented as more of a story. It helps add more weight to the events you depict through the rest of the song, as well as hook a reader/listener in. The chorus also does this a bit (I didn't notice the variation in the last line of the last chorus at first, but I am a fan).
#5
wordplay is fun and this is no exception.
i enjoyed this, but some of it is a bit too obvious.

and deplored just put me off.


as a whole, i like it!
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#6
Exactly the same as SYK. This is becoming somewhat of a theme!

The past/present/future line reminded me of a line by one of my favourite bands/songwriters, which is 'the priest of the future and the past of the present tense are out in the alley destroying the evidence'. That's a line I absolutely adore. All good there then!
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
i really dug this one Jake.
it's my favourite of yours.

just thought i'd return the compliment.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Glad I can always count on the SYK/Dig combo (which I will henceforth refer to as the 'Number 1' )

Thanks for the crits all, I have gotten to / will get to your pieces soon.

EDIT: Kent, that means a lot
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 1, 2008,
#9
I thank you for the critique of what may now be titled Concubine... However about this piece, weird rhyming pattern but I'm not one to complain about something out of the ordinary, as a matter of fact I hate cliches... I enjoy the imagery this creates, I liked the way you put this in:

"She said
Marry the future,
divorce your past,
and I can present you
heart filled contrast."

overall a good piece, I'd be interested to hear the music that goes with it.
#11
Just another comment. One thing I think would change really well is instead of writing that he's confessing his sins at the Vatican, saying he's doing something along the lines of kissing arse would break the mood lightly nicely. Obviously edited to make the original meaning still intact. Just a more interesting way to phrase his sins.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
He went left but she was right;
the clock was wrong, three hands behind.
When Noon chords struck he deplored to find
himself the object of subjective time.
This felt like a report in shorthand. There was nothing to add to the substance of the stanza. It was clever, especially the ending, but it lacked depth.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they are on a search
for absolute perfection.
You are sticking to simple grammar here. I don't know why. You should experiment with more imagery, I believe. The meaning of this can be enhanced tenfold.

She woke up on the streets of Rome
with no idea how to get home
and he was in the Vatican,
confessing one of many sins.
A bit of cliché rhyming here, and again a good idea, underdeveloped. I always seem to like the ending of your stanzas over the beginnings. Do you think up the endings first?

Rendezvous in the waterways,
affection in lovely displays.
Then he looked up with his head down
and asked her if she'd stick around.
Am I completely confused here or did you mean Venice? Waterways are not so common in Rome. Again, the ending holds the punch to this. Spicy. I liked it.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they keep on searching
for absolute perfection.

She said
Marry the future,
divorce your past,
and I can present you
heart filled contrast.
It's a nice little idea, but I think you can take it out of here and make a whole new piece about it. It need to be expanded on and feels like you just threw it in here cause it was clever and somewhat to do with the subject.

He swam away but turned right back,
picked her up and made a splash.
They're still dousing the world today,
losing the roads but finding a way.
I found it heartbreaking that you switched the rhyming scheme here. Content was fine, I just wanted the old familiar AABC you've gotten me accustomed to.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they finally found
absolute perfection.

I think this shows your great potential, but you do need to learn not to spend all of your clever ideas on one piece and separate things a bit, even if they are to do with the same subject.

Still enjoyed the read though. Well done.
This is not a pipe
#13
Quote by Billyjson
He went left but she was right;
the clock was wrong, three hands behind.
When Noon chords struck he deplored to find
himself the object of subjective time.

Nice right and wrong word link here. The word deplored...it sounds so sluggish. It would fit in another circumstance but it feels slightly inept here. Apart from the mention of the round moon, you focus on sharp idealistic imagery, which contrasts considerably to your themes, and not in a affluent way.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they are on a search
for absolute perfection.

Wonderfull little chours/hook. Very simple but very sweet and its perfectly well placed.

She woke up on the streets of Rome
with no idea how to get home
and he was in the Vatican,
confessing one of many sins.

Nothing special here, but good.

Rendezvous in the waterways,
affection in lovely displays.
Then he looked up with his head down
and asked her if she'd stick around.

The word "lovely" doesn't fit in my eyes. Not sure what could possible take its place though I'm afraid. Very affectionate last two lines. Something you refer back to you in this piece, which is wonderful.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they keep on searching
for absolute perfection.

She said
Marry the future,
divorce your past,
and I can present you
heart filled contrast.


This is nice, just odd.

He swam away but turned right back,
picked her up and made a splash.
They're still dousing the world today,
losing the roads but finding a way.

This is one of the highlights. Very ecstatic in the way it electrifies the water they pocess.

And all these little roads
lead in so many directions,
but they finally found
absolute perfection.

Cool way to end.


First song in a while (fast, Supertramp-ish style). c4c


To be honest, I have read better word from you. But really, there's still so little to fault here and grab onto and pinch at. Its still of the utmost quality and is abundant in beautiful imagery and homely ecstasy.
Cool.

Digitally Clean.
#14
^ Weird man I just got done critting yours then I saw this. I'll go back and convert it to a full crit

Carmel - Thank you for the honesty, that was an extremely helpful crit. I'll get to your latest soon. (and btw Rome also has waterways, though you're right that they're much more common in Venice)
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 2, 2008,