#1
Hey everyone,
I've finally finished writing this song. Thanks to all who posted their thoughts. Your comments were appreciated. Let me know what you think of the finished product.

The Devil

Verse
A dark and stormy night
I see the devil, he's in disguise
He looks me in the eye
And dares me to make it through the night

Verse
I grab the devil by the throat
I hold on tight, wanting to let go
He's only inches away
His powers overwhelm me

Chorus x 2
By the light of the moon, injured
I stumble home

Verse
Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde
I feel a cold chill run down my spine
I hear the devil now
He's taken over my mind

Verse
The devil drops me to my knees
I look up, he seems pleased
My blood shot eyes show the pain
Can't you see I'm beaten

Bridge
I feel no sorrow, don't feel pain
When the devil's running through my veins
Casting shadows over me
All I want is to be free

Chorus x 2
By the light of the moon, injured
I stumble home
#2
Hey man.

Next time, just edit this into your other thread and then make a post saying that you had made major revisions and would like more thoughts on the finished work. I won't close this one and make you do that this time, because it would just add more clutter to the front page. But next time, please do that.

-zC
#4
Quote by Mario Arevalo
Hey everyone,
I've finally finished writing this song. Thanks to all who posted their thoughts. Your comments were appreciated. Let me know what you think of the finished product.

The Devil

Verse
A dark and stormy night
I see the devil, he's in disguise
The first half of the second line is too long. For me, I had to say "Dev'l" to squeeze it in there. The last word sorta rhymes, but I don't know if it contributes...
He looks me in the eye
And dares me to make it through the night
This last line fell short. It just wasn't a good selection of words.

Verse
I grab the devil by the throat
I hold on tight, wanting to let go
He's only inches away
His powers overwhelm me
The flow her had multiple problems. For one, "wanting" is pronounced "wan-TING", where it should be "WANT-ing". And the last two lines seem to completely break away from the rhythm established by the previous lines. It's okay to push the rhythm off track a little bit, but you unscrewed the tracks from the ground and threw them in the ocean. There's no tried-and-true formula that the lines are working from to grant some success, or at least familiarity.

Chorus x 2
By the light of the moon, injured
I stumble home
"Injured" felt like a negative influence on the flow. BY the LIGHT of THE moon, INjured, that IN felt like too much for me. And remember, you're going to hear the chorus alot, so make sure the rhythm is excellent. You're dealing with couplets, which is the rhythm-graveyard for those who tread unprepared. Considering one line is twice the length of the other, your rhythm is lacking here.

Verse
Dr Jekyll, Mr Hyde
I feel a cold chill run down my spine
Omit "cold". It gunks up the flow, and provides no neccessary wording. I mean, is there such a thing as a hot chill? "Spine", in my opinion, fit well here, and you have an internal rhyme with "feel/chill", which emphasises your rhythm.
I hear the devil now
He's taken over my mind
That last line needs to die.

Verse
The devil drops me to my knees
I look up, he seems pleased
My blood shot eyes show the pain
Can't you see I'm beaten
"Pain" and "beaten" hardly even qualifies as a slant rhyme. I'd change the last line to "Can't you see that I've been slain?". It fits well with the rhythm of the first two lines.

Bridge
I feel no sorrow, don't feel pain
Change "I" to "Don't". The continuation adds alliteration and enforces the rhythm.
When the devil's running through my veins
Too long. It hurts the rhythm, and thusly, the rhyme that ends it.
Casting shadows over me
All I want is to be free
A little cliche, but not horrible.

Chorus x 2
By the light of the moon, injured
I stumble home


My main complaint is rhythm. Your word choice seems to trump it in importsnce every time, and that shouldn't be the case.