#1
This is for a concept album I'm writing, the main character goes insane and this one is called Requiem for my Lost Mind


I used to be normal living all my dreams
Now I'm trapped in this house of screams
Living a nightmare I'm living all I've feared
I've become useless my whole life revered
I'm consumed in my own self pity and grief
I feel as important as a falling leaf
Waiting to hit the ground
And end this life of my spiraling down.
This my requiem this my lost mind
I need to wake up & start over time.


(Spoken Word)
What if life is just a dream?
What if at any given moment someone might just wake up and everything I know will just vanish in a second?

How would I feel? Better about myself? Would I be glad? Or would I feel the pressures of knowing I never got to do so many things what if?
Last edited by eadgtotheend at Jul 20, 2008,
#2
Actually that is suprisingly coherent. I think we all have felt and feel that way sometimes. We all go a little insane trying to figure out what in the hell we are doing here.

It's like we have so little control over our lives. We can make our own destiny to an extent and then bam, life slams us with an unexpected change. I think your character is very sane, just more honest than the rest of us. Very nice.
#3
This was really nicely done. And I was honored for the critique, by the way, because you really know what you're doing.

I noticed the rhyming felt contrived at times but that's probably because I find it so hard to actually rhyme.

Keep up the good work.
#4
Quote by eadgtotheend
This is for a concept album I'm writing, the main character goes insane and this one is called Requiem for my Lost Mind


I used to be normal living all my dreams
Now I'm trapped in this house of screams
Living a nightmare I'm living all I've feared
I've become useless my whole life now revered (now isn't needed)
I'm consumed in my own self pity and grief
I feel as important as a falling leaf (don't like falling)
Waiting to hit the ground
And end this life of my(me?) spiraling down.
This my requiem this my lost mind
I need to wake up start at over time. (did you miss a word?)


(Spoken Word)
What if life is just a dream?
What if at any given moment someone might just wake up and everything I know will just vanish in a second?

How would I feel? Better about myself? Would I be glad? Or would I feel the pressures of knowing I never got to do so many things what if?



I don't know how much the spoken word portion helped, the reason I disliked it so much is that you went from and obvious rhyming pattern to free verse.

I have felt this way before, or at least felt the way I interpret it, lovely theme/idea. This is the most original thing I've read today. 8.5/10 (I'd like for the rhythm to stay throughout)


Something to Stumble Over crit mine?
#5
Quote by akikobleu
This was really nicely done. And I was honored for the critique, by the way, because you really know what you're doing.

I noticed the rhyming felt contrived at times but that's probably because I find it so hard to actually rhyme.

Keep up the good work.


Quote by Matt Chavie
I don't know how much the spoken word portion helped, the reason I disliked it so much is that you went from and obvious rhyming pattern to free verse.

I have felt this way before, or at least felt the way I interpret it, lovely theme/idea. This is the most original thing I've read today. 8.5/10 (I'd like for the rhythm to stay throughout)


thanks to you both, yeah I know the flow has issues, I can't really figure ways to change that and yeah I meant to put no at there...
My Music:
Solo project: myspace.com/dermy3blkaht
Full band (iRockit): myspace.com/nj136
#6
*reported*

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pay particular attention to the section on titles.
after this is closed, you can repost with a proper title.
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