#1
It must have been that she had never met,
anyone so proud,
of being so God damn down and out.
except in high class pornos.
It must have scared her all that sexuality,
coming to a halting light.

Tom Petty smokes ciggarettes and stares at the moon.

I don't.
I drink alot of whiskey,
that I mooched from my older brother,
then I procede to complain about my hardships,
but no one believes me.
Damn smart people.
Just when I started to believe myself.

She could have anybody.
Well anyone with a dick.
So why the hell,
doesnt she want a chain smoking alcoholic,
with a 4 inch bitch, greasy haircut, cracking voice,
addictive personality, clingy family, blah blah blah.
I could go on about what makes me the greatest,
But I will spare your self esteem.

I got over her once.
I got high,
went to a classy restauraunt,
and yelled at bums and boozers.
It made me feel better to be high class for a night.

I've been writing this my whole life,
And I still don't know how to end it.
#2
This made some good connections as far as alternate rhythms, but it wasn't always successful. You're good at on-the-spot rhythms. I had to read real fast, though, to get the sense of it. Word choice is good, except for di.ck and bit.ch. They just sound like swearing for the sake of swearing.
#4
I really liked it billy, fantastic, and I never use the word fantastic because I hate the word, but you deserve it.

except the line breaks, some I disliked.
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#5
This is getting better mate. I can still sense some angst in there, that if it wasn't there would make the tone much mroe enjoyable. I'm not gonna lie, it still didn't impress me the way your work normally does. There is something forced about it. Like you are just writing in an angry cynical tone to writein an angry cynical tone. It just doesn't feel entirely genuine, and I think that is what is lacking. Keep going, to me it feels like a piece where you still haven't really found inspiration but you just want to keep writing. Inspiration will hit soon enough, and you won't be left writing about how much things suck in a bland way, because you will have ideas flowing that will make the presentation much quirkier and better.

All that said, still not a bad read. I just won't remember it tomorrow.

thouhgts appreciated on either of the two in "newest"
#6
I'd rather see high-class and self-esteem hyphenated.
the minor misspelling on cigarettes, proceed, and restaurant were barely noticeable.
with a 4 inch bitch is an odd phrase, but i don't dislike it.

you always slam something on the bar
that makes me wanna pull up a stool
and tell the barman to leave the bottle.
the last line pair kicks hard.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
I liked this a lot. I liked the imperfection of it. And I'm going to take that ending couplet and write it down and use it in a piece somewhere down the line. And if I'm stealing something from the piece then you know I liked it.
#9
I enjoyed it man.

I'll try get to this properly tomorrow - I have a couple suggestions - but no promises.

Definitely gotten me increasingly interested in your work.
#11
Let me warn you in advance: I'm going to be picky.

It must have been that she had never met,
anyone so proud,
of being so God damn down and out.
except in high class pornos.
It must have scared her all that sexuality,
coming to a halting light.
Though both in the past, "must have been" and "must have scared" feel awkward to me. "Must have been scary" would have worked better, I believe. I liked how you started with a cliché in the first like and then completely broke it down in the rest of the stanza (which you did throughout the piece - lovely).

Tom Petty smokes ciggarettes and stares at the moon.

I don't.
I drink alot of whiskey,
that I mooched from my older brother,
then I procede to complain about my hardships,
but no one believes me.
Damn smart people.
Just when I started to believe myself.
"Mooched from" should be "mooched off". I liked this stanza for content, but you really need to work on the flow here, if any line can stand on its own, it kind of feels pointless to throw them together. I dunno, maybe it just felt odd tot he rest of the piece.

She could have anybody.
Well anyone with a dick.
So why the hell,
doesnt she want a chain smoking alcoholic,
with a 4 inch bitch, greasy haircut, cracking voice,
addictive personality, clingy family, blah blah blah.
I could go on about what makes me the greatest,
But I will spare your self esteem.
You did good. Very good.

I got over her once.
I got high,
went to a classy restauraunt,
and yelled at bums and boozers.
It made me feel better to be high class for a night.
I wish you kept going here. It felt like there was more to say about this issue. I did like it though, it's getting a lot less shaky than the beginning.

I've been writing this my whole life,
And I still don't know how to end it.
Yes.

So, really solid ideas, a bit of executional issues, but some just come with this kind of a piece, so there's not much to complain about. I really liked reading it.
This is not a pipe
#12
So... I lied.

I actually did remember this. I've re-read it a few more times. I've thought about it some more. Its really really growing on me. As much as I hate to change my mind... I feel I owe it to let you know. Its still not as good as your Columbine, from my point of view... but its still damn good. And that last couplet is like an orgasm in poetry form. Sorry for changing my mind.