#1
leaning against the pier,
french kissing cigarettes
whispering smoke clouds to the sighing sea;
and i agreed.
my precepts,
a statutory beach,
breached daily by thoughts so consensual.

our carbonated hearts get shaken.
Last edited by Arthur Curry at Jul 3, 2008,
#2
Well I like stoges as much as the next man. But what are you trying to say here? How do you french kiss a cigarette...?
#4
I'm mad-jealous of your flow. Seriously. This lacked your usually lush and offbeat imagery though, unfortunately. I can tell you were trying to grab it with the third line, but it didn't quite do it for me like it usually does. Still, this is a good read.
#5
Pier?

The first few lines I felt were great. I think the last line bugged me a little; maybe it felt a little to telling rather than showing? For a piece soaked in some great imagery I kinda felt it broke that picture in my head. Though, the word consensual kicks ass in this piece.

So, without contradicting myself further, I'll drop in and say I quite liked this.
#7
2 words that failed the piece for me were 'shouting' and 'broken'. I feel for the former the image was too obscure for the reader to get a hold of, which in a piece so short was detrimental. The latter could be said with a softer word, I see the image of the sea gradually wearing away a beach rather than breaking it.

I liked the 'french kissing cigarettes' felt like you needed nothing more at that moment than a cigarette as company, and loved it just the same.

I did like, it did make me think and I think you achieved a great deal with so few words.
Well done man.

If you get time: Averting a Blind Eye
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
I preferred it a lot more before you edited it. the last four lines make me cringe. sorry.
i love the first stanza. that's about all.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#10
this is the greatest piece of writing i have ever read on ug, so congratulations.
i would help you in finishing it, but i am not nearly as good of writer as you, my friend.
and when you figure it out,
i would love to read it.
and probably steal it.
and perform it in coffee shops.
but i won't do that.

edit:
c4c? newest song. nothing special.
link in sig.
#11
Not seeing the first version, here are my thoughts:

Very strong piece, loved the wording, flow, structure... it all worked well. Only thing is you actually have two pieces here, for me. One ends with "and our carbonated hearts get shaken." and the other starts right after. Looks to me like you said to yourself, "I always write short stuff, I need to add something," and then came up with something good, it was just also something else. And you even added it's not finished, to make us think that it can be longer. I don't get that.

leaning against the pier,
french kissing cigarettes
whispering smoke clouds to the sighing sea;
and i agreed.
my precepts,
a statutory beach,
breached daily by thoughts so consensual.

and our carbonated hearts get shaken.


I think it's beautiful like that.
This is not a pipe
#12
Hmm, suspicious. I like the last line.
turn me back into the pet that i was when we met,
i was happier then with no mind-set.