#1
individual.


i was crafting a vase
in the
waves of sunrise.
with
motionless stride,
i subside
into a shapeless
morning tide.


thoughtless poet.
making dividends meet.
fleeting abstractions
to save
amassing retreat.
all of my soliloquies,
and wounded smiles;
my opaque tranquility.

but she;
she asks me where my
wind blows,
and if i'm okay?
i never know what to say.
i never know what to say.
a heartless truth
unearths my ways. always.

sometimes,
she cries
in the doorway.
and
i'm an artist,
dreaming,
singing,
writing,
painting;
i'd create a
new sky for you.
sometime.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 1, 2008,
#3
all the time.
unfortunately though, this one isn't a song.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
Beautiful, as always. I'm more than a little jealous of your sense of rhyme, it all flows so easily.

Another nice piece WotM
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
thank you Jake, for taking the time to read.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
I want to come back to this. I got this on first read, I didn't feel it. So I'll process tonight and get back in the morning, since there's plenty I could miss here.

I will say now, your rhymes at times perfect, at others a hint too much.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#7
That was really beautiful. I was thoughtlessly strumming my guitar (tuned to low e, which gives you this awesome ethereal drone) while reading it and sorta did an accompaniment to it, nothing special but it really made me feel your words. I'd say your rhyming is almost too much, but I loved the effect.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein
#8
I mimic steve exactly. The italicized parts were like butter, as was the rest, but some of the rhymes were just a bit too much for me. By the time you hit subside, I was already dreading -ides.

I'll be back when I have more time to process this and really drink it in. remind me if I forget, i think I have a bit to say.

Also, I put up a new piece of prose, any comment from you would be greatly appreciated, and will be returned eventually.


EDIT:

Quote by ottoavist
individual.


i was crafting a vase
in the
waves of sunrise.
with
motionless stride,
i subside
into a shapeless
morning tide.


Yeah, this was just a bit too much for me. It was too many i words and not really enough content or catchy ideas to really carry it past the rhyme-iness. As much as I hate to use the phrase from the other guy on your other piece... this felt sing-songy mate.

thoughtless poet.
making dividends meet.
fleeting abstractions
to save
amassing retreat.
all of my soliloquies,
and wounded smiles;
my opaque tranquility.

This was the standout section for me. Thoughtless poet - meet was orgasmic. I didn't like the jump after the ';' Would have much prefered it to end on smiles... I think you need another line... but yeah. The smiles seemed stronger to me.

but she;
she asks me where my
wind blows,
and if i'm okay?
i never know what to say.
i never know what to say.
a heartless truth
unearths my ways. always.

Ugh. There really is nothing about this section that I personally care for. Its... bland. For someone I'd never read before, I might let this be... but you are capable of infinitely better. Its like hearing an album from a band you love and being let down by it, but if you had heard a new band make the exact same album you'd love it... if that makes sense. To be honest, I can see a bit of Joris in this. Which isn't bad, as he is quite the writer, but it doesn't fit. It sticks out like a black kid in Eastern Kentucky.

sometimes,
she cries
in the doorway.
and
i'm an artist,
dreaming,
singing,
writing,
painting;
i'd create a
new sky for you.
sometime.


I know it changes the meaning, but I would MUCH prefer, "I'll create a new sky for you. Sometimes." I think it deepens the connection between the two characters... makes it more "longterm" feeling and just generally strengthens the idea. That might be overstepping my bounds as a critic though... as you know more clearly than I what this was about.


Yeah, I still say the main problem wiht this is the punch got lost behind the execution. I read it, I got it, I understood it, I enjoyed reading it outloud. But I didn't feel it. It didn't hit me. It felt more like an exercise in rhythm than a piece that I was meant to feel. Sorry mate.



#10
^i'll try my best to get around to it soon man.

thank you Steve and Zach, i look forward to it, and will return; although, i think i said something on Steve's already like OMG BEST RITER ERVER but i'd be more than happy to critique, and yeah i'll get to yours no problem Zach.

thank you Santeria, let me know when you post something.

There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
The semi-colon was too much. The flow in the italics was great, but it lacked a bit in the normal.

I really liked this .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
The second stanza stuck out to me a bit, you used much more developed language in there than in the rest of the poem. I am not sure if that was intentional, but it cut a bit into the easy flow of the rest of the piece. Not to say I disliked the diction, on the contrary, I loved many of the lines there, I just wanted to remark on how much they stood out.

The last stanza was my favorite, by far.
#15
I have no qualms with your content, you did a very good job on walking the line between being extremely personal and being very general and relatable.

I do think that you're breaking this down too much, though. The line breaks coupled with the stanzas just chopped it down way too much, especially when the last and first line of each stanza are directly connected content-wise.

You should really decide whether you prefer the line breaks or the stanzas, in my opinion. I'd keep the breaks and put it all together for one continues stroke of poetry. Like a splash of colour on my brain.

Good good.
This is not a pipe
#16
Quote by ottoavist
individual.


i was crafting a vase
in the
waves of sunrise.
with
motionless stride,
i subside
into a shapeless
morning tide.


The rythyme and rhyme here is impecable but it is a little bit too much. But then again it could grow on me. Perfect positioning though.

thoughtless poet.
making dividends meet.
fleeting abstractions
to save
amassing retreat.
all of my soliloquies,
and wounded smiles;
my opaque tranquility.

Very, poetic. There thats the word.

but she;
she asks me where my
wind blows,
and if i'm okay?
i never know what to say.
i never know what to say.
a heartless truth
unearths my ways. always.

This is where it becomes more homely. Instead of just poetic ramblings and seemingly meaningless notes, I feel like it is brought down to earth with this stanza. Makes this piece wonderful to read again and again.

sometimes,
she cries
in the doorway.
and
i'm an artist,
dreaming,
singing,
writing,
painting;
i'd create a
new sky for you.
sometime.

Great ending. I was trying very hard to find fault with this, honestly I was! But to no avail.
Its certainly interesting.



Yeah, wow. As usual it flows nothing like a dream: it flows far more smoothly and effortlessly than that; There were one or two passing moments where you feel you tried a teena weena bit to hard to reach a certain plateau. They are so few though its nothing to quibble drastically on.
Other than that, one thing I will say. I wouldn't care much about this piece without the third verse. Bringing a song, poem, sonnet whatever, home and towards the realites of life, is very important. Its cool to write about fairy tales and stories, but they have their place. Not in this though.
Excellent mate.

Digitally Clean.
#17
thank you guys so much for time spent on this. <3
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#18
yo fool

Quote by ottoavist
individual.


i was crafting a vase
in the
waves of sunrise.
with
motionless stride,
i subside
into a shapeless
morning tide.


The line-brakes didn't really do it for me but the content was awesome. It was refreshing to say the least and gave a sense of existence in the mind.

thoughtless poet.
making dividends meet.
fleeting abstractions
to save
amassing retreat.
all of my soliloquies,
and wounded smiles;
my opaque tranquility.

This was great. It served as a good continuity of the previous stanza. Nicely done. The line-brakes was put into good use here.

but she;
she asks me where my
wind blows,
and if i'm okay?
i never know what to say.
i never know what to say.
a heartless truth
unearths my ways. always.

This stanza felt a bit disjointed in the series. But nevertheless it was a good read. I didn't enjoy the "but she" line though, tha's probably just me though.

sometimes,
she cries
in the doorway.
and
i'm an artist,
dreaming,
singing,
writing,
painting;
i'd create a
new sky for you.
sometime.

The line-brakes didn't work for me here. This stanza felt like an excerpt from one of your previous pieces. I like it, I just felt like it was too much in your comfort zone.


Overall, you're still a fool
Last edited by Bleed Away at Jul 7, 2008,