#1
Will RTF. This needs a lot of revisions, I know. Hoping to improve on it.



One footstep echos, you're leaving me,
All of you, and no secrets to keep,
And as I drift off to sleep,
I realize,
You are everything I hoped to be.

What did you think I would be some day,
I'm pretty sure, no one knows what to say,
When you look back, I'll still be here,
Faded photographs, but know I'm real,
Your presence blankets me, as I lay cold,
Sheets of wind, and harshly touch my soul,
As I shiver in your shadows, such a bitter role
I've been living in a slumber lately,
I sleep too much, even you can't save me,
Yeah...

One footstep echos, you're leaving me,
All of you, and no secrets to keep,
And as I drift off to sleep,
I realize,
You are everything I hoped to be.

God says I'll be okay,
Take his word, and I'm on my way,
Lonely does it, my heart grows weak,
When we talk, I don't want to speak,
Just I let you down, that's all I hear,
No such thing as time, it's the same next year,
I hold these pictures so the past is near,
Black and white, and the tears blur your face,
As I look up, I just fell from grace...

One footstep echos, you're leaving me,
All of you, and no secrets to keep,
And as I drift off to sleep,
I realize,
You are everything I hoped to be.
Last edited by Shawnstoppable at Jul 1, 2008,
#2
I like the first line of the chorus, though it is kindof an obvious move when looking at the title.

I liked the use of the line "I sleep too much", kind of taking an ordinary phrase or comment, and fitting it into the metaphor. There are a lot of other golden lines in there but that one was my favorite.

I am also a fan of the second verse combination of "God says I'll be okay" and "I just fell from grace".

The rhyme scheme is one thing that I'm not crazy about. It makes the whole thing just a little bit predictable.

Also, not many of the lines in the verses are connected, mostly just separate thoughts. If you could bring them all together with some flow, that would improve this piece greatly.

Overall, very enjoyable to read. If you want to check out one of mine, "(F)light of the Voyager" is a newer one.
#3
The content, surprisingly, didn't make me run away. When I read the first line, I was just waiting for a buttload of cliches to flow. You did a very good job taking cliche ideas and lines and fitting them together to make a fairly solid piece. As a stand alone piece of poetry, I fear it doesn't offer quite enough. Seems, a bit thin, like there wasn't enough depth. You just re-examined the same area over and over and over. However, with some chord-age behind it, I feel this could really shine. It's an over-done topic, but the piece didn't feel over done.

Advice:
-Watch your rhymes. A lot of them were easy and simple. Almost too much so, where it would start to really cheapen the feel of the piece.

-Topic. While it didn't hurt this time... taking such an overused topic could really be a dangerous thing to try more than once. Overused topics usually make the pieces feel bland.

-Chorus. While I liked the sleep, this is hte only part I actually cringed at. It just felt so... bland and predicatble. Change that up, give it some sort of catchy hook in there and generally tighten up ship with a few word changes to make it feel more solid. There is nothing major, but it can't hurt to change up some of your rhymes so it isn't "me" and "be" Y'know?

Thanks for getting to mine.

-zC
#4
This was a pretty well done piece, you may have used an overused topic as Zansas stated, but it still made it into something that wasn't at all painful to read, and kept me reading the whole way through, well done on this, but keep working on it.

And if you get the time, check out Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs, the links in my sig, thanks.
#5
that was really good
i liked the chorus
the mood was depressing but also kinda nice in a weird way
good job! haha
#7
I suppose the rhymes and the topic aren't THAT original, but it didn't bother me at all. I like the tone, it's sort of depressing but not :S
After listening to it, the music is great too, that helps.

Need something to criticise, or this is useless - maybe this line

"No such thing as time, it's the same next year,"

I'm not a massive fan of that, but overall - thumbs up!
#8
-zC said pretty much everything I would try and point out.
One point I will add though is how I enjoyed the odd layout. I found the structure to be refreshing and pretty; The whole piece is not overly dramatic but its not overly dainty and petite with a pathetic palate of schmoltz either - Nice work.

Digitally Clean