#1
Saviour

There's a place hidden far away
Forbidden for us men
Locked behind the oceans
Foreign, reserved

Empty space, undiscovered
By any of our maps
They say it's dangerous,
Phantasma of our life

Many tombs were broken
Soldiers lost their minds
When they were only near you
The earth began to cry

But for the lust of our kind
And the last of my choices
I'll be there to find you
And mend your heart of poison
Last edited by LauriShadow at Jul 7, 2008,
#2
The last verse is a lil confusing in the first verse you say “us” men. But the last two lines strike me as God speaking to men?

Other than that, It flows great and has great imagery.
__________________

_________

_________

Patrick
4jacks
email
#3
Not entirely sure what it actually means, but I liked the imagery and the flow of it.
I have to criticize something, or this is useless - I didn't like the thumbs line, seemed a bit random. It probably has some meaning that I didn't spot :P
#4
hehe why did I wrote thumbs anyway :S hehe I meant tombs and on the paper it was tombs...I guess I wasn't so concentrated when I wrote it in here,
thanks for the critz!
#5
I like the idea, but i think there are two, maybe three main problems with this piece.

1. it sounds like it should be rhyming.

2. because of that, the flow is really bizzare and halted. It sort of jumps and skips and makes it really difficult to read.

3. Your perspective shifts, from Man to God.

Apart from that, a slightly over-used idea, nothing really that new and exciting here, nothing "bad" either. See if you can't breathe some pizzazz into it.