#1
I have the lyrics, but not a tune. I think the first verse needs revising, but that's just me. Also, if you can think of a better title, please say so.

The clouds in the distance
so far away
wish they could stay one more day
Don't cry for things that have gone astray
They don't matter anyway

You can curl up inside your shell
Just to escape your personal hell
Things aren't always what they seem
Because in your mind lie secret dreams

Hanging on to hope from a single thread
Isn't quite the image you had in your head
All your efforts were in vain
When all you could do was Lucy and Jane

All the time you spent doing your so called job
You could've escaped before you were robbed
At last the lights start to dim
Your life was wasted
Torn from limb to limb
#2
Quote by Taxi_06
I have the lyrics, but not a tune. I think the first verse needs revising, but that's just me. Also, if you can think of a better title, please say so.

The clouds in the distance
so far away
wish they could stay one more day
The break up here is weird. Either make it into two lines or four.
Don't cry for things that have gone astray
They don't matter anyway

You can curl up inside your shell
Just to escape your personal hell
I'm just being a pain pointing this out, but wouldn't curling up inside yourself keep you WITH your personal hell? Ha ha no, I really do like this couplet a lot.
Things aren't always what they seem
Because in your mind lie secret dreams

Hanging on to hope from a single thread
Isn't quite the image you had in your head
The first line in this section is a little bit cliched, but the second line is brilliant and makes up for it.
All your efforts were in vain
When all you could do was Lucy and Jane

All the time you spent doing your so called job
You could've escaped before you were robbed
At last the lights start to dim
Your life was wasted
Torn from limb to limb


I'm not sure how I feel about the ending yet. I'll get back to you.
#4
I, like radiocure, don't like the rhyme scheme, songs dont have to rhyme every line. And the 3rd verse was kinda weak. I'm not really sure what genre you're going for, but assuming from the title its some kind of metal or hardrock, so if you get stuck for lyrics you can do what I do, read Wikipedia pages on satan and the spawn comics xD. But if Im totally off on the genre it still is a good trick to use.
#5
Cool, it's very meaningful. I think a better title would be "A Life Wasted", and the tune would be simple chords, like bob dyllan only without the mutated duck voice (god, it's horrible, I could have even listened to him if it wasn;t for that!!!).
#6
Quote by Taxi_06
I have the lyrics, but not a tune. I think the first verse needs revising, but that's just me. Also, if you can think of a better title, please say so.

The clouds in the distance
so far away
wish they could stay one more day
Don't cry for things that have gone astray
They don't matter anyway
too long, try removing a line here... OR remove the return between "distance" and "so".
Also, I think "don't" sounds a bit misplaced in here, I'd use "doesn't" instead.


You can curl up inside your shell
Just to escape your personal hell
Things aren't always what they seem
Because in your mind lie secret dreams

Hanging on to hope from a single thread
Isn't quite the image you had in your head
All your efforts were in vain
When all you could do was Lucy and Jane
Lucy and Jane?

All the time you spent doing your so called job
You could've escaped before you were robbed
At last the lights start to dim
Your life was wasted
Torn from limb to limb


Good text, interesting to read...

From what I can gather, this is about a prostitute, am I right?
A prostitute that get raped and robbed, possibly killed also...?

Don't really know what more to say, I'm sure it can be good with a melody, BUT, I'm having a hard time thinking this in a song. I'd rather keep it as a poem instead..

You like it
#7
I think that the simple rhyme scheme restricted what you were saying.
I don't, as a rule, like names rhymed with other words.
'Hanging' bit is just a tad cliched.
As is the title.
In the first verse, you rhyme all of the lines together, which makes it look like you gave up on finding a similar sound to do another couplet with, especially in comparison with the rest of the structure.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!