#1
The last piece I will post for a while. I have no excuse, I'm just going to stop posting. If you want a condensed explanation read my last post in my last piece. As such, this is a "farewell piece." The third "farewell piece" I have posted here. The first two can be found here: Goodbye PT. 2 and here: Goodbye PT. 1 . You can use these to track my thoughts on life and such. So, I'm not going to post anymore poetry or prose, at least until I'm a month or two into college. Thank you to all of you who have helped me. Thank you to all of you who will continue to help me and thank you to all of you who have faith in me to be a decent writer someday. Much love to all who have ever read me and a special thanks to Trigfunction, Jammydude44, and Carmel. (you all know why). See you all later. Oh, and I do I have a daily blog (link in sig) that can sometimes be interesting.



If I cant write, then how did I write this? (Synth's Goodbye Poem PT. 3)


I was sitting on a park bench,
pencil in my hand,
as the foot traffic moved about me
turning the cobblestone to sand,
while I wrote the best poem in the world,
one of a simple Swedish girl.

She had such curls the boys would glare
and thank God they could bare witness to her stare
as she passed by, unaware of their intentions.
She did not pay them the time of day,
whether it was noon or night or dusk of May.
Because, though her skin was soft and supple
and her breasts small and hard,
her dream was to find a modern man,
who would marry her without a plan,
in the darkness of the deserts of Sudan.
In a hidden midnight chapel.

This dream never did waver in her mind
no matter how temptation tried to blind
her eyes with six-packs or other vices,
she was decisive. She would follow her dream
till her severance from life.

Until one day she found herself
an old bitter woman up on the shelf
no longer drawing glances
from the men that she had passed
since she was a girl.
Her curls not longer bounced,
but now just hung about her neck,
like they were an early noose
she never did see coming.

In the end of the story in my book
she died silently sans a second look
from anyone who knew her.
But she had hope that the note she wrote
to her imaginary lover of the sand
would find him soon and make him cry,
from the bitter love that she’d scribed down
before that bullet made her die.

My school editor read the lengthy piece,
and after some revision and some talking of the teeth,
he said it was the best piece he had ever read
better than Bukowski and better than Durst comma Fred.
And, he said, after some speaking with his staff,
That I would be the greatest writer who’d ever lived or laughed.
And that if we were still alive when any of them wed,
I could be their best man, no matter the current closeness of their friends.

So thirty years after that day
on a sweltering afternoon in the heart of May,
I took my Pulitzer prize and Poet Laureate certificate
into the wedding of that editor magnificent.

I made a tremendous entrance out of the cake,
to the applause of all my loyal readers,
and all my fellow prize-winning writers
who the editor had invited.
I stood up at the pulpit looking down,
pencil in my hand,
While my lovers stomped and chanted my name
turning the cobblestone to sand,
and I read aloud “The Swedish Girl”
until they wept with tears
the best poem in the world
bringing truth to all my fears
that language, though it has delivered and drawn out of us emotion,
is to be accepted to do just that and not create creation,
so I thanked them all for their devotion
and quickly went away.
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 1, 2008,
#3
Lets make it dramatic and call it a farewell piece. Sorry, I just don't dig the idea.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
^it's what I do Nick. All apologies if I make myself appear to be a self-centered dramatist. Thanks for taking the time to read and I can definitely see where you're coming from.

Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 1, 2008,
#5
Nothing against you at all but I found the piece very boring. Maybe because it's not my style but your sentences seemed like they were trying to hard to be beautiful and ended up just being cute and childish. Your use of words also make the piece rather cheesy and I just can't find any real care behind the words. It's just poetry and thru reading it I can't tell who you are it comes off as just some sentences strung together and aided by a look in the dictionary once in a while. I wouldn't have cared had some grammar or spelling been wrong but I just wanted more out of this. I force read it because it did not grab my attention.

But please don't worry and keep on writing It would be easy for me to say I loved it and put a fake grin. If you want me to look at any of your pieces more closely PM me. You know how to technically write but to me your just writing. Good luck in college
Smile alot today... okay?
#6
I don't think your work is boring. And as much as I think you're over reacting about this, really, you said that you're not ready for the site, so that's fine. I will say it again, though: people enjoy your stuff.
#7
it was quite long, maybe you could write a 13 minuet song with 6,000 solos in bedded within it also. no siriusly i didn't have time to finish it but it was ok. it wasn't the best, neither was it the most clever peace of litituritre or any where close but it is ok. what i try to do is explain as much as i can in the least amount of words and keep it the same silibols per line. you dont have to tell EVERYTHING that passes through your head, leave a little bit of mystery in it!
curently composes with Guitar Pro 5. amazing peace of software. i'd recomend it. and Samplitude recording studio.

myspace.com/somethingstarted
#8
I know this is bumping an oldish thread, but I feel I owe it to you to explain myself, considering you've helped me a great deal since I've come here. I'd do it in PM, but I also think there will be others who agree with what I have to say, so they might be more help to you as well; without further ado...

Here's the deal mate, I don't hate your writing. I don't even dis-like your writing. My problem with your writing lies in the structure. I know you have technical abilities well beyond mine... and well beyond most people on here. I know that you know more about writing than pretty much anyone else on here (give or take a few)... I know you can write well. I can tell it when I read your work... I can tell that you have a talent and a skill. What makes me draw away from your writing is that I can't connect with it. Here's why. When I read something you've written, I am completely aware that I am reading. Sounds stupid, but hear me out. When I read something, normally I get drawn into the piece and I forget I'm reading... and the words just pour into my mind. Due to your use of short choppy descriptive phrases that never really strike a level of "pouring" into me, I never get drawn in, and thus never connect. If I may use a metaphor here: Its a bit like looking at a wall. I know when I look at a wall that there are a metric shit-ton of 2 by 4's and trusses behind it... but when I look at it I only see the drywall. When I read pieces I like by the end, I'm seeing drywall. I can tell there is something behind it, but I can't see the structure holding everything together but everything is just coming into me... I can't tell htat I'm reading... I'm just intaking. When I read yours, I see every word, which makes it hard to dig in, sit back, and enjoy your writing.

You aren't in bad company with this, I get the same feeling when I read S_V. Both of you are masters of technicalities... of using form and function in your writing... but when I finish reading both of you, all I get is "that was nice." I can tell its good... but I don't feel it. It never hits home with me.

Long story short, you better keep fucking writing. You have an enormous talent... and no, I don't know what to do to help you make it connect with people like me...

I don't know. I just don't want you to skip out of here and think I hate your writing. I don't... at all. I just feel like I should get so much more out of it, and I don't, and its a let down because I can tell there is so much packed in there and it is written so well.

that's it. PM me if you have any questions or want to ream me.
#9
zC is right. But at the same time, you don't neccessarily HAVE to change. Plenty of people (zC included) have styles that hit home with certain people. Plenty of people are on here and say "8 a line, no ifs ands or buts", and plenty of people say "how about prose, today?". The point to take is this, we are amateurs telling other amateurs our honest opinions. Don't think of us as the end all decision makers, and don't think that we dislike your work. I've done crits where I mention a ton of problems, but tell them that the piece is good, because it IS good. I just mention the tiny problems that hinder it. And don't think we treat you harsher than other UG'ers. We're just giving our best advice.