#1
Opinions valued

Box Bedroom Rebel

But for the dust
I am lonesome now
I urge you, please
Come visit
For days no soul
Has come visit

Books and poetry
Can suffice for now
But soon I will need
A hand to hold
Or lips to kiss
Hurry, I grow cold

Too afraid to open the window
Too afraid I’ll see the world
…Or the world will see me
What a travesty that would be

Too afraid to see what’s become?
Become of all I claim to know
…Or what has become of me
What a tragedy that would be

But for a heartbeat
I am lifeless now
I urge you, please
Come rescue
I’ll hold a day or two
For you to rescue

It’s too dark to see
I am as blind as you
When you laughably said
You tend to like me
But I am dead, oh
I am practically dead

Too afraid to open the blind
Too afraid I’ll see the world
…Or the world will see me
What a terrible tragedy that would be

Too afraid to see what’s become?
Become of all I claim to know
…Or what has become of me
What a terrible travesty it would be

Oh
A Plead in vain
Will lead to
A slice in vain
Oh I beg, come rescue

If I can’t see my problems
They aren’t there
If I can’t see the world
Then it isn’t there
#2
Quote by GravityGrave
Opinions valued

Box Bedroom Rebel

But for the dust
Instantly, I'm impressed. The internal rhyme makes the line.
I am lonesome now
I urge you, please
Come visit
Falls short and doesn't rhyme. Bad combo.
For days no soul
Has come visit
Visit rhymed with... visit? Not good.

Books and poetry
Can suffice for now
But soon I will need
A hand to hold
Or lips to kiss
Hurry, I grow cold
While the rhythm and word selection was okay, the meaning and general mood of this stanza was excellent. I have to say, though, the last line did it no justice at all. "Hurry" goes against the grain as far as rhythm, and "cold" is a boring rhyme.

Too afraid to open the window
Too afraid I’ll see the world
…Or the world will see me
What a travesty that would be
Word selection is good, though line three felt way too short.

Too afraid to see what’s become?
Become of all I claim to know
…Or what has become of me
What a tragedy that would be

But for a heartbeat
I am lifeless now
I urge you, please
Come rescue
"Come help me out" sounds like that could work instead. I mean, the lack of rhyme is a huge buzzkill.
I’ll hold a day or two
For you to rescue
This felt like it fell short of what an ending should do. It's the punchline, make it pop!

It’s too dark to see
I am as blind as you
When you laughably said
You tend to like me
But I am dead, oh
I am practically dead


Too afraid to open the blind
Too afraid I’ll see the world
…Or the world will see me
What a terrible tragedy that would be

Too afraid to see what’s become?
Become of all I claim to know
…Or what has become of me
What a terrible travesty it would be

Oh
A Plead in vain
Will lead to
A slice in vain
"Slice"? Why that?
Oh I beg, come rescue

If I can’t see my problems
They aren’t there
If I can’t see the world
Then it isn’t there
Though not perfectly executed, this has the feel of a good outro.


The biggest thing I have to say is this: use proper rhyme to emphasis those key lines. The lines that didn't rhyme here were the ones that needed it the most.

EDIT: I forgot, please crit the lyrics in my sig. Thanks.
#3
please read the rules in the announcement at the top of this forum.
pay particular attention to the part about posting limits.


*reported*
Meadows
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