#1
This is old, I entered it for a comp on here a little while ago, but I'm going to have a go at turning it in to a song this weekend and I'd like some crit if that's okay . There I some lines that I don't think work, such as the one about society, hence the revision. c4c, of course, of course.



History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters;
And broken glass and recycled bricks,
Worthy causes,
Strong hearts,
Marble tricks.

We learnt a lot of facts in school
Memorised them until our brains were full
And our heads were screwed
Figured out who wore the chains
And who took the rule
But never once wanted anything but rebellion.

Society has learnt nothing from history
But my school lessons taught me
To kick down the bourgeoisie
Take the top jobs from the toffs
And reclaim the streets;
Listen to the now and act accordingly

History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters
And maybe one day I'll find my way back to those things
And fill my future with heart attacks and whatever else they bring
.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
i always hear an incredibly strong voice in your work; even though this one seems a tad immature compared to your more recent. sorry, i know i don't comment/compliment much, but i always read. and i really dig your stuff.

the only things i didn't like were:
"And our heads were screwed."
"Society has learnt....history"
anyway, i'm almost positive you could easily spot out the snippets that aren't very effective for the piece.
btw, thank you for the comment on my piece, and if you turn this into a song i'd like to hear!!
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#4
I really like the last verse.

I agree about the word screwed, it's not too vulgar, but you know.
Perhaps you could replace it with Skewed.
Meaning that your thoughts were tampered with and twisted
Instead of your head was just straight jacked up (screwed)

Also, are you going to have a chorus?
And it's really hard for me to hear the rhtymn in the first three versus, Like if you count your syllables, there are some large differences in between the different versus, no patterns.

Work with it thought, should be great
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#5
I'm going to crit this as if it's a song, since that's what you intend for it.



History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters; *Beck's
Love the first two lines.

And broken glass and recycled bricks,
Worthy causes,
Strong hearts,
When you turn this into a song you might consider
removing one of the last two lines. I don't know how you intend
it to be sung of course, but the extra syllables seem like they'd
make the song too wordy and take away from the rhyme you have
set up. Otherwise, for a poem, very nice.

Marble tricks.

We learnt a lot of facts in school
learnt is an awkward word, but I get the feeling
that this whole verse is supposed to be somewhat goofy.

Memorised them until our brains were full *Memorized
And our heads were screwed
Figured out who wore the chains
And who took the rule
But never once wanted anything but rebellion.

Society has learnt nothing from history
But my school lessons taught me
A little repetitive. This can be an easy fix though
if you get rid of the school and just say
but my lessons taught me

To kick down the bourgeoisie
Take the top jobs from the toffs
And reclaim the streets;
Listen to the now and act accordingly

Last parts were great, especially with the
bourgeoisie rhyme - not an easy one to pull off.


History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters
And maybe one day I'll find my way back to those things
And fill my future with heart attacks and whatever else they bring
.

Awesome ending, makes for a good chorus.



As far as I can tell not much will need to be changed when you convert this into lyrics. - just whatever you feel like adding/subtracting to make it more songy. Fun read
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
first thing that became apparent was poor word choice. 'brighter', 'broken', 'strong hearts' - real tedious vocabulary selection, the kind of stuff you hear time and time again day after day. a (wo)man reads poetry for inventive rhetoric. of course, as i wrote only moments ago, mimetic fallacy overboard potentially ruins a piece, but a delicate mimic of the theme with word selection, a bit of consistency in form really wouldn't go amiss. it's word choice like this that contributes to the 'immature' voice that kent spoke of above. really detracts from what i thought was a fairly original idea.

so yeah, i'd advise you to concentrate a little more on the presentation of an idea, not on merely conveying the meaning, semantics etc.

the repetition at the end of the piece contributes and confirms your ideas, but, like i said, that really isn't what's the problem. those ideas are firm from the start - there's no need to clarify what is, in essence, a fairly simplistic idea with dull execution.

i think you're a great writer, but this was a little bland.
#7
Quote by DigUpHerBones
This is old, I entered it for a comp on here a little while ago, but I'm going to have a go at turning it in to a song this weekend and I'd like some crit if that's okay . There I some lines that I don't think work, such as the one about society, hence the revision. c4c, of course, of course.



History exists to make the future look brighter
I like the idea, however, you are saying this in a rather bland way, try giving the first line more power, or a stronger hook.
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters;
And broken glass and recycled bricks,
Worthy causes,
Strong hearts,
Marble tricks.
I really like the rest of this section. I do have a question though. Are the 'worthy causes' in your past? Because they conflict with the negative images like 'broken glass'. Just a thought.

We learnt a lot of facts in school
Memorised them until our brains were full
And our heads were screwed
Figured out who wore the chains
And who took the rule
But never once wanted anything but rebellion.
I love this section, truly captures the essence of defiance.

Society has learnt nothing from history
But my school lessons taught me
This is a little bit too much like the last section, I think.
To kick down the bourgeoisie
Take the top jobs from the toffs
And reclaim the streets;
Listen to the now and act accordingly


History exists to make the future look brighter
I liked this line more here, maybe it was just a bit too wordy for me before.
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters
And maybe one day I'll find my way back to those things
And fill my future with heart attacks and whatever else they bring
Perfect way to end the song. You aced the last section.
.


The piece as a whole is good already, there are just a few details that need polishing.
#9
History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters;
And broken glass and recycled bricks,
Worthy causes,
Strong hearts,
Marble tricks.
Other than the repetition of "and" which bugged me a bit, I though this was very nice, loved the alliteration and structure.

We learnt a lot of facts in school
Memorised them until our brains were full
And our heads were screwed
Figured out who wore the chains
And who took the rule
But never once wanted anything but rebellion.
Urgh, I so didn't like the move to "we". It completely threw me off and I found it a bit tasteless in regards to how I was expecting this piece to become more personal as it went and this continued in a very different direction. The ideas were nice, but I didn't like the way you told them.

Society has learnt nothing from history
But my school lessons taught me
To kick down the bourgeoisie
Take the top jobs from the toffs
And reclaim the streets;
Listen to the now and act accordingly
The first line screams cliché and again is far from narrowing down the piece to a more personal level like I hoped. I think you could have taken this further and expanded on what you actually did with those life lessons, or at least what exactly in school taught you that. It felt a bit rushed and unexplored.

History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters
And maybe one day I'll find my way back to those things
And fill my future with heart attacks and whatever else they bring.
I really like the repetition from the beginning and thought it closed up the piece very nicely.

I think you could have delved deeper and expanded on some of the parts, also don't be afraid to let a piece take you elsewhere as you are writing it and change your original idea. It felt to me like you weren't letting the piece grow and thus it felt a bit lacking.

Immense potential though.

If you care to give a shout back, there's a link in my sig.
This is not a pipe
#10
I was gonna do this... but Carmel bent it over the table .

Here's the deal. I LOVE the last verse and your becks line. Like, I might ask you to marry me because of it. However, the content of the middle to verses is very bland. The society line breaks all sense of flow... and lets be honest, sucks. It's just too "HERE IT IS NOW SUCK ON IT!" Like CArmel said, the middle just felt rushed. Like you just wanted to skip through that to get to the end. That is the heart of the piece and really needs more oomph. As it is, it feels like a standard, "fuck the establishment" song with a little calculus thrown in to make it feel like the school did it. Make this one sing, girl. It's got a great voice, but it needs some polishing and maturing so it doesn't feel so juvenile. It has a lot of potential... and it really could hit hard if done right.

Thanks for getting to so many of mine.

-zC


Oh and.... Marry me?
#11
Thanks for all the time put in to responses and all of your comments .

otto: I agree completely with what you'd change, they were what I posted this in mind of changing
billy (just a fair assumption on your name): memorised can be spelt with an 's' . Cheers for the Beck's nudge
skaliveson: broken glass doesn't conflict with worthy causes at all!
skagitup: cheers. Do you think that it would be okay to keep the immature feel in the verse about school (if I keep the verse at all) if the maturity was there in the rest of it? As long as I could portray it correctly, of course?
s_a: cheers, would be helpful
carmel: do you think that, if I was just lazy, simply replacing 'wes' with 'I's' would do it?
Zach: Of course I will *brings out horse and carriage*
Do you agree with skag's hate for the word choice in the first verse? Just a wonderment.

I get what you all mean though, and I'm definitely going to tackle those two middle verses and try to make it all actually come together smoothly.

Do you lot think that if I expanded much further on the second verse, personalising it much more, then finding something to replace the first/second lines on the third would be enough for it? Then maybe find space for another place to expand on the ideas said in that one, eg. what I did with the ideas I gained? I'm just thinking about it, this has been floating around for a little while so I'm finding it slightly hard to come up with changes, especially replacement lines for the 'society' line and the word 'screwed'.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 3, 2008,
#12
history / my history isn't very strong, as repetitions go.
the occurrences are close enough that you could
replace my history with mine.

perhaps change has to may have in S3L1.
might mess with the rhythm a bit,
but add clarity to the purpose for the line.
Meadows
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#13
Quote by DigUpHerBones
This is old, I entered it for a comp on here a little while ago, but I'm going to have a go at turning it in to a song this weekend and I'd like some crit if that's okay . There I some lines that I don't think work, such as the one about society, hence the revision. c4c, of course, of course.



History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters;
And broken glass and recycled bricks,
Worthy causes,
Strong hearts,
Marble tricks.

Really nice beginning, the first two lines were really catchy and I felt I really needed to read this until the end. I think you could turn the last three lines into only one, but it's up to you.

We learnt a lot of facts in school
Memorised them until our brains were full
And our heads were screwed
Figured out who wore the chains
And who took the rule
But never once wanted anything but rebellion.

Society has learnt nothing from history
But my school lessons taught me
To kick down the bourgeoisie
Take the top jobs from the toffs
And reclaim the streets;
Listen to the now and act accordingly

These two stanzas are much weaker than the first one, they fail at being... I don't know, I feel like they were "dumped" in there without much thought. It feels banal, not because it's cliche, but you could have adorned and enriched them, from the rest I think you could do it.

History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters
And maybe one day I'll find my way back to those things
And fill my future with heart attacks and whatever else they bring
.

This comes as a follower to the first stanza. It's a good conclusion and I really like the mood of it, the last line broke the flow, but it can be my fault not "catching" it.


Overall, it's a nice piece with very good lines like the one about "Becks bottles and lighters", but I felt it was very rushed and not profited enough. Nonetheless, it was an enjoyable reading.
#14
I see what Skag is saying. But I also feel that it works for the piece... any more intellectual sounding and it would have made everything else seem even more immature... if that makes sense. As it is, I'd say that if you clean up everything else and make it more intellectual feeling then you may need to change it around.

However, yeah some of it is cliche as being burned in hell instead of frozen. But, yeah.

*goes to buy rings*
#15
I like it, it's like a small rebellion in a song... Good way to open and close the song yo...
#16
Quote by DigUpHerBones
This is old, I entered it for a comp on here a little while ago, but I'm going to have a go at turning it in to a song this weekend and I'd like some crit if that's okay . There I some lines that I don't think work, such as the one about society, hence the revision. c4c, of course, of course.



History exists to make the future look brighter
I personally have great interest in the simple wordings here. This sets the tone fairly well so its understandable in my eyes.
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters;
Brilliant line.
And broken glass and recycled bricks,
Worthy causes,
Strong hearts,
Marble tricks.
The flow gets lost here. It may need rearranging a little; the "ands" are a bit belittling of your quality and lovelyness. Nice continuation on the imagery though.

We learnt a lot of facts in school
This abruptly changes the feel to something very conversational, which I oddly like.
Memorised them until our brains were full
And our heads were screwed
This has a sudden alteration of tone once again, but I am not so keen on this one. It creates a childish emotion, although they're obviously still very real feelings.
Figured out who wore the chains
And who took the rule
But never once wanted anything but rebellion.
Flow fades away a little again, but not drastically. The imagery is great.

Society has learnt nothing from history
But my school lessons taught me
Simple, but maybe a little bit too simple compared to the rest of this piece.
To kick down the bourgeoisie
Take the top jobs from the toffs
And reclaim the streets;
Listen to the now and act accordingly
This, once again, totally turns this on its head. The rebellion factor remains, but it steps up to violence, thus making it more relatable to adults.

History exists to make the future look brighter
So I've filled my history with Becks bottles and lighters
And maybe one day I'll find my way back to those things
And fill my future with heart attacks and whatever else they bring
This is easily the best bit. Your endings are always spectacular.
.


Very good work, as the rest of your achievements also display.

Digitally Clean