#1
"O' breath and breath upon those slain, that they may live!"
I am taking my cloth off,
Devote myself to the water scorching my skin
Just as I devote myself to her touch last year…

Silence! My eyes lost their glitter
Screaming! Not a sound revives
I am not feeling alive,
I am not feeling alive!

Break this prayer from me
Cursed by the tree beside the grave
Let me live because the sea
Gave up on my death. (Break this prayer from me!)

Tears inside me
Will not fall to the ground
Just blend in my blood
Tear me inside

That tree beside the grave
It's just as dead as me
I am willing to breath
I am willing to live...
#2
Quote by LauriShadow
"O' breath and breath upon those slain, that they may live!"
I am taking my cloth off,
Devote myself to the water scorching my skin
Just as I devote myself to her touch last year…
You mean "clothes"? I dunno. I think the last two lines have potential, but a real rhythm isn't quite established. The first two lines, honestly, felt pointless to me, and their flow was hard to get.

Silence! My eyes lost their glitter
Screaming! Not a sound revives
I am not feeling alive,
I am not feeling alive!
Well, it flows. But it's not quite the best material in the piece. The "Silence/Screaming" connection is okay, but I don't think there should be two of the same line in the stanza. And there's no rhyme, which hurts your cause.

Break this prayer from me
Cursed by the tree beside the grave
Let me live because the sea
Gave up on my death. (Break this prayer from me!)
The parentheses bit should be a whole new line, really. While you don't adhere to a strict meter like the previous stanza, you watched your sense stress. Now the emphasis on each word lines up to create a proper flow, even if length changes.

Tears inside me
Will not fall to the ground
Just blend in my blood
Tear me inside
The last line didn't do this justice, considering the thought itself had great potential. I think it should be as long as the previous two. And I don't like the slant rhyme with line one. If it's going to make a connection that far away, it should be a full rhyme.

That tree beside the grave
It's just as dead as me
I am willing to breath
I am willing to live...
Okay. Bad rhyme to end on though, since it's a slant.


Don't ever take my comments too seriously. It's just my opinion. But I'd like to see you hold a meter throughout the piece, then put some proper sense stress on it. With these two in place, you can cheat a little with your lines, stretch them out a bit.

Crit mine in my sig?
#3
This is just my opinion, but I think you should take out last year from the line Just as I devote myself to her touch last year…, also I am not feeling alive doesnt sound natural to the song. But thats just my opinion.

If you wouldnt mind C4C, its in my sig.