#1
A CROW ON THE SHOULDER

A crow on the shoulder of a friend it seems,
and strapped there as his property.
It ought to fly, she ought to fly,
And if I must watch the creature tamed
and rendered blind I could be brought to tears.
For it ought to fly, she ought to fly.

Though who am I to intervene? If she was fairly captured,
having grown to understand her cage and crooked master.
Then I've no vile green envy, glossed thinly as a quest for happiness.
Pursuing such a course would be, I feel, dishonest.
In truth, her captive misery is such a tragic sight
for I think she would be beautiful in flight.


A friend is the captor of my thoughts, it seems.
And a cause of much turmoil for me,
does he know a bird should fly?
In silence I must watch him snare more pray,
as those in his wake almost perish in the dark
and I could resonate a cry, for those trapped birds should fly.
Too much gain = Ears in pain
Last edited by Nic Play Guitar at Jul 15, 2008,
#2
Quote by Nic Play Guitar
A CROW ON THE SHOULDER

A crow on the shoulder of a friend it seems,
and strapped there as his property.
It ought to fly, she ought to fly,
And if I must watch, the creature tamed
and hooded blind I could be brought to tears.
For it ought to fly, she ought to fly.
"Hooded blind" felt like an odd image. Sense stress helped a good bit, though there are some changes that could be made. Take the comma out of line four, it stumbles the thought.

Though who am I to intervene? if she was fairly captured,
having grown to understand her cage and master.
"Caged and mastered" sounds like it appears too early. The connection to the previous line is forced because it's not time for it to appear. Put another couple of syllables in there.
Then I've no green envy, glossed as a quest for happiness.
The first half was hard to read. "Quest for hapiness" was an internal rhyme that emphasised the stressed syllables, which helps flow.
She only looks so miserable, eating from his palm.
I simply think she would be beautiful in flight,
This last line read awkwardly. Nothing felt right. The sense stress was lost.
as any crow would. If only flying freely past my eyes.


A friend is the captor of my thoughts, it seems.
And a cause of much turmoil for me,
does he know a bird should fly?
I must watch him snare more pray, I am in silence,
"I am in silence" doesn't feel like it belongs there. To be honest, though, it's due to an odd choice of meter. Not bad, just hard to follow.
whilst the others nigh on perish in his forgotten dark
"Nigh" is a neat little internal rhyme with "fly".
and I could cry, for those trapped birds should fly.


Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. This displayed some good qualities, but the meter choice made it difficult to establish a rhythm.
#3
Revised in the first post, thanks for your crit! to anyone else reading this, if you give a little crit I'll return the favor.
Too much gain = Ears in pain
#4
I like it, keeps the feeling of being surpressed sticking to me, well written piece, very well done imagery, overall a well put together piece. If you could, check out Silhouettes and Coffee Mugs, she needs a bit of attention.. thanks !