#1
well, i've never had anything i've written reviewed objectively (the only people who've really read my lyrics are my girlfriend, who always finds something good to say, and my band, who don't really give a damn) so i figured i'd try it out. tell me what you think:

Fog

in searching for hours, this subtle agony has grown
from a slight gnawing at the heart
to something trapped at panic's edge.

but at your sign, at one slight touch
from across the gulf, all voices would cease,
the edge would recede, and i would live again.

(chorus)
in searching for you, i would roam forever
inside the fog
i'd follow your voice to the end of dreams
inside the fog
i'd follow your voice,
forever in void,
with you out of reach from me for evermore
i'd follow your voice to the end of dreams

at long last, through endless wanderings,
i stand here at your door
terror grips at what may lie
will you be there? or will i gaze upon a room eternally
silent in its emptyness?

chorus

(bridge/refrain)
in half a heartbeat, the knob turns
in half a heartbeat, the door swings wide

and there you lay.
angel in blinding dark.
beauty in timeless sleep.

chorus
#2
Seems like quite a bit of passion went into this. It really has an emotional vibe to it.


nice!
#3
Quote by Flamingrhythm
Seems like quite a bit of passion went into this. It really has an emotional vibe to it.


nice!


+1 good job
#4
thanks, guys (so far, so good. hehe).

the music was another story, though. i put down the lyrics without any idea of how it was going to go melodically, and i think the song sounds a bit forced as a whole. but i've always kinda liked this one. any other suggestions?
#5
Quote by frogPeace
well, i've never had anything i've written reviewed objectively (the only people who've really read my lyrics are my girlfriend, who always finds something good to say, and my band, who don't really give a damn) so i figured i'd try it out. tell me what you think:

Fog

in searching for hours, this subtle agony has grown
from a slight gnawing at the heart
to something trapped at panic's edge.

the word choice here is really good, really descriptive. its a great opening stanza. The only thing is that, i don't like the word subtle there, cause your saying this slight agony has grown, so its not subtle agony anymore. i dunno it's probably just me being dumb, but i think its better with out subtle.

but at your sign, at one slight touch
from across the gulf, all voices would cease,
the edge would recede, and i would live again.

doesn't have the same punch as the first stanza, still really good word choice. I like where this is going, the first two stanzas set it up well.

(chorus)
in searching for you, i would roam forever
inside the fog
i'd follow your voice to the end of dreams
inside the fog
i'd follow your voice,
forever in void,
with you out of reach from me for evermore
i'd follow your voice to the end of dreams

second last line seems a little wordy, other then that it sounds like a pretty solid sing along chorus.

at long last, through endless wanderings,
i stand here at your door
terror grips at what may lie
will you be there? or will i gaze upon a room eternally
silent in its emptyness?

sounding a little forced, eternally silent in it's emptiness. dunno know about that one. But the message and content is there. this is my least favorite stanza.

chorus

(bridge/refrain)
in half a heartbeat, the knob turns
in half a heartbeat, the door swings wide

like it, perfectly chant-able, has a little bit of suspense to it.

and there you lay.
angel in blinding dark.
beauty in timeless sleep.

this works well as a stanza, should toss in like a "i feel alive again" or something to wrap it up nicely, cause it seems left open. unless that's how you want it to fell.

chorus

as a whole it fit together very nicely. the story flowed well, and progressed. and the word choice was well done even though some timed seemed a little forced. The ending could use a wrap up i think. but overall nicely done especially for a first time poster.
continue writing, you got skillz
#6
hehe. looking at "sublte agony" now and i completely agree with you. i seem to have gotten a bit confused there...i never even noticed that before. hehehe.

and i agree that the "eternally silent..." bit is kinda forced.

thanks.
To know death, you have to f*ck life in the gallbladder...