#1
This is just some random scribblings I threw together at about 4 AM last night.
I've tried to find a direction for it. I think I just need a bit of feedback and it should spur me on the right track. The inspiration was solely a relationship issue that I won't go into depth with. Some critique is obliged.


Be merciful, i'm not too keen at writing. I suffer from the hating of my own writing but anyway...


" Sleepless nights and endless days,
I've never felt more at home.
Scampering 'round like a rat in a cage,
confused and all alone.

Made a mistake but I made it twice,
Just like a hot knife right in the back.
It'll take a bullet to put me down,
serious as a heart attack.

You got the last word or so you say,
but I ain't finished yet.
Your stupid friends think that I'm done,
but they're just your ****ing pets.

So walk away with your head held high,
you know I'm right behind.
But I'm tireless honey and you will see,
that these are the ties that bind. "


So that's all I've got for now. I know I know it's terrible but I'm new to the whole songwriting thing. I appreciate your feedback.
#2
Quote by Flamingrhythm

" Sleepless nights and endless days,
I've never felt more at home.
Scampering 'round like a rat in a cage,
confused and all alone.
Instantly I noticed that you have a knack for proper sense stress, a skill that is suprisingly hard to find nowadays. It will give you the freedom to pick the right word. Take line three for example. The emphasis is naturally placed on "Scamp", "round", "rat" and "cage". Because this is the natural emphasis, you don't have to depend on meter to create the rhythm. Thus you can squeeze two words between "round" and "rat" to fulfill grammatical requirements.

Made a mistake but I made it twice,
"A" should be replaced with a stresses syllable, but I can't see that happening in this particular case. Instead, "Made" is forced to be the emphasis, which starts off your line with a stressed word, something that shouldn't be the case.
Just like a hot knife right in the back.
Flow here is tricky, because "hot", "knife" and "right" are all supposed to be stressed. It has an odd flow to it, though. I'm on the fence.
It'll take a bullet to put me down,
If pronounced "ill", the contraction will work. "It'll", when dealt with harshly, isn't a contraction at all.
serious as a heart attack.
If "serious" is read in two syllables, if fits, and you get some killer alliteration here.
You got the last word or so you say,
but I ain't finished yet.
Your stupid friends think that I'm done,
but they're just your ****ing pets.
I think "pets" could be a great rhyme, but it doesn't seem to fit the storyline as much. Maybe that's just me. What does your anger at her signify about her friends? Why is their pet-like position an influence, or even a gague, of whether you're done or not?

So walk away with your head held high,
Drop "your".
you know I'm right behind.
These two lines have some killer assonance.
But I'm tireless honey and you will see,
that these are the ties that bind. "


So that's all I've got for now. I know I know it's terrible but I'm new to the whole songwriting thing. I appreciate your feedback.


To be honest, I was impressed. You displayed assonance, alliteration and near-perfect sense stress. Your sense stress allows for a twisting of line length, and any vocalist can burn throught the extra word as if it's nothing. Know your abilities and know just how far your meter can be twisted. Key words are begging to be emphasised, so continue to place those where the emphasis is needed. If no key words are at your disposal, use assonance or alliteration to fill the bill.

Crit mine in my sig if you want.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jul 2, 2008,
#3
^ Agree completely, with a few tweaks this would be wonderful . The assonance was brilliant, and expanding on that would be really great.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Thought I'd go a tiny bit more in depth with some clues if you're going to revise this. The second half was a lot stronger for me than the first.

Quote by Flamingrhythm

" Sleepless nights and endless days,
I've never felt more at home.
Scampering 'round like a rat in a cage,
confused and all alone.

This is an okay intro, but I think some revision would help this. The assonance is great, but it makes the flow seem a tad odd.

Made a mistake but I made it twice,
Just like a hot knife right in the back.
It'll take a bullet to put me down,
serious as a heart attack.

This continues with the flow which makes the flow fine to be honest. Nothing that really drew me in though. Could be said more cleverly.

You got the last word or so you say,
but I ain't finished yet.
Your stupid friends think that I'm done,
but they're just your ****ing pets.

The yet/pet rhyme wasn't too great, just seemed too forced. Liked this stanza though, more than the other two so far.

So walk away with your head held high,
you know I'm right behind.
But I'm tireless honey and you will see,
that these are the ties that bind. "

High/Behind/bind is really great. Loved it. This stanza was great.



c4c? A look at no. 4 in my sig would be very welcome .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#6
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Thought I'd go a tiny bit more in depth with some clues if you're going to revise this. The second half was a lot stronger for me than the first.


c4c? A look at no. 4 in my sig would be very welcome .



Yeah I did throw myself off a bit on the flow.