#1
Verse 1
I keep walkin' down the street, yeah
ev'ry day you see me
Headin' towards my keep
no one know's where I'm goin'
I've actually built it
All by myself, yeah.
It's all i my head.
but who the hell cares?

I need someone to stop me
stop me from my drinkin'
To help me with my life, yeah
And save my poor old liver
I need someone that I can trust
to stay with me wherever I go.
Someone... that I can love.


_______________ Verse 2 _______________

Yeah, like I said before
my life is pretty fucked up
I told you 'bout my castle
let me tell you how I get there
I'll just up open a bottle
filled with something sweet, you know
And in a matter of minutes
I'm totally gone.

The people they keep yellin'
"Look, there's that old drunkard again"
Let me tell you how that feels:
I don't care a piss
'Cuz I'm up in my castle,
bowlin' with my bottles
And havin' fun with ladies
all those stuff, you know.


_______________ Verse 3 _______________

Hey, man, what the fuck now?
I can't get down again
Oh, shit, I must have died there
My body won't respond
But, hey, that ain't no trouble
I fancy my life up here
But, "life"?, could I say that?
'Cuz techni'cly I'm dead.

I wonder what they think know,
You know, the guys down there.
'Cuz up my here I can't hear'em
And down there they can't see me
Prob'ly they're just cheering,
The world just lost one of it's troubles
And for me was plain and hollow
No, I'd rather stay up here


_______________ Outro _______________

The world was just fucked up for me
Now I am glad to be set free
'Cuz finally I can do what ever I want
'Cuz I don't need no liver no more


I don't know if this is allowed, if it's not I'll remove this part of the post...
but, HERE's the melody for the song
You like it
#2
lol, I would hate to read this drunk or high. Some of it was confusing. You're talking in present tense as though you're still alive, and then you say "Technically I'm dead". Maybe you meant it metaphorically, but if so, "Technically", is a confusing word to use there. Also I think you should change the beginning of verse 2. "Like I said before, my life is pretty ****ed up". I don't think you illustrated how ****ed up your life is in verse one to say that phrase so blatantly in verse two, you know what I mean? If you're going to say that, you should theme verse 1 to that phrase. Overall, good read. Just a couple minor details, imo.

If you could rtf in my sig, I'd appreciate it.
#3
Quote by linus.d
Verse 1
I keep walkin' down the street, yeah
ev'ry day you see me
Headin' towards my keep
no one know's where I'm goin'
I've actually built it
All by myself, yeah.
It's all i my head.
but who the hell cares?


I need someone to stop me
stop me from my drinkin'
To help me with my life, yeah
And save my poor old liver
I need someone that I can trust
to stay with me wherever I go.
Someone... that I can love.

Ok, this isn't bad for the first verse, I think the rythym is a little messed up, though. "Someone that I can love" I think is kind of cliched.
_______________ Verse 2 _______________

Yeah, like I said before
my life is pretty fucked up
I told you 'bout my castle
let me tell you how I get there
I'll just up open a bottle
filled with something sweet, you know
And in a matter of minutes
I'm totally gone.

The people they keep yellin'
"Look, there's that old drunkard again"
Let me tell you how that feels:
I don't care a piss
'Cuz I'm up in my castle,
bowlin' with my bottles
And havin' fun with ladies
all those stuff, you know.

Ok, so it is clear what the point of this verse is. Kind of plain, but ok.
_______________ Verse 3 _______________

Hey, man, what the fuck now?
I can't get down again
Oh, shit, I must have died there
My body won't respond
But, hey, that ain't no trouble
I fancy my life up here
But, "life"?, could I say that?
'Cuz techni'cly I'm dead.

I wonder what they think know,
You know, the guys down there.
'Cuz up my here I can't hear'em
And down there they can't see me
Prob'ly they're just cheering,
The world just lost one of it's troubles
And for me was plain and hollow
No, I'd rather stay up here

That was confusing, I didn't really get what you were talking about in that verse.
_______________ Outro _______________

The world was just fucked up for me
Now I am glad to be set free
'Cuz finally I can do what ever I want
'Cuz I don't need no liver no more


Ok, so are you dead or just really drunk? I'm not sure.

Overall:

It's ok, nice idea. The rythym of the song could be better, but I always think that even if your lyrics are not the best, the music could make them seem better. I'm not saying your song is bad, but it just needs work. I think some rhymes and rythym could fix some of the problems with the song.


Needs work, but it's not horrible!
#4
Its an interesting idea, but the execution leaves quite a bit to be desired. This whole thing could be condensed down into three short verses and then it would have some kick. As it is, there is too much filler for the parts that are actually good. I just got lost in all the random thoughts and incomplete ideas. Cut it down, condense it into something that kicks like an ass in a corner. Then, once you've done that, go back through and make your ideas less bland. use less typical imagery, use less typical phrasing. Give this something to set it apart from everyother "I'm a drunk and life sucks" song. MAke it quirky, explore your Castle idea more, make it memorable to someone.

That's what I got. Thanks for getting to mine.

-zC