#1
k so this girl in my class wrote this song and i helped a little bit and everybody loves it, blah blah blah. cept theres like NO flow imo. i need some help fixing this so i can actually put a guitar part to it
genreish: slower rock? pop punk? idk?

(..) = backing vox

Edit #1 by: Twisted Wishes

revised version #2:

what can i say, i'm moving on, and it so hard to do.
i stare in the mirror, and all i see is you, (is you)
i lay awake at night and dream of what could have been,
but its no good because.....

Drum build up

i have tears running down my face
and i dont wanna feel like this anymore.
you were my best friend, you broke my heart,
did you even really care?
I'm moving on...
(Im moving on...)

I'm sitting in my bed talking to you late at night, and im really tried.
you were someone i could talk to and now your gone!
(your gone...)

i have tears running down my face
and i dont wanna feel like this anymore.
you were my best friend, you broke my heart,
did you even really care?
I'm moving on....

It felt like my heart was getting ripped out of me.
you shut me out, how could you that to me?
you obviously didnt want me in your life anymore.
And now i just need to ignore....

The tears once ran down my face are, slowly drying up,
Its not so hard anymore, - im not careing as you once thought,
i cant even talk to you now, and you dont even care.
that my heart was broken in two! Thats why i'm moving on,
IM MOVING ON.....
Last edited by AJS19 at Jul 2, 2008,
#2
Does sound kinda emo (not trying to be harsh) but you could do it in a kinda hardcore style, with screaming backing vox?
Quote by boreamor
Ah very good point. Charlie__flynn, you've out smarted me


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crit4crit on 'acoustic 1 (with piano)' here



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#3
Quote by charlie__flynn
Does sound kinda emo (not trying to be harsh) but you could do it in a kinda hardcore style, with screaming backing vox?


no thats fine everyones opinion matters. it is quite emo in a sense but in mind its tweaked a bit and more rock..ish?
#4
it think it just needs to be more semetrical in my opinion but that is witha progression in my head

i was thinking

C               G             Amin                   F
what can i say, i'm moving on, and it so hard to do. 

C                     G
i stare in the mirror, and all i see is you, (is you) 

Amin                  F (somewhere but this is where it is not semetrical to me)
i lay awake at night and dream of what could have been,
but its no good because.....  



maybe fool around with that anyways idk just trying to help


i play acoustic btw just so you know what i was thinking
Last edited by lbc_sublime at Jul 2, 2008,
#5
okay I'd say use a Pentamic Iameter as the rhythm. In the first verse that means you need to add a syllable to the second line so maybe "all I CAN see" or something to that effect. In the chorus maybe put I can't feel this way as opposed to "I don't wanna" uhm what I'm guessing is the bridge (this):
"I'm sitting in my bed talking to you late at night, and im really tried. - talk it abit.
you were someone i could talk to and now your gone!
(your gone...)"
I think it could be ditched or maybe have a guitar riff with upward progression? I don't know how to change it otherwise. The line "how could you it to me" is that supposed to be "do it" if so maybe change it to do that?

All that aside, I like the story it tells and it's a feeling people often face so congrats to you for writing a good song that people like. Good luck writing music to it.