#1
v1:
Are you ready for the charge?
With your doubts and fears at large,
Just join the fray, like everyday.
How many times are you gonna say:

Pre-Ch:
Hey, Woah! Here we go!
Always fight against the flow.
As we battle the undertow,
we're bound to see, we're all alone.

Ch:
So out of the dark,
and out of the cold,
away from the common
and into the bold.
Now seeing what I am sold,
and knowing what I am told,
I'm bound to be a no-show.

v2:
It's a little bit ironic,
just how you're so iconic.
Your eyes held fast, in the looking glass
With the sky comin' down, how long will it last?

Solo

v3:
Have you ever seen it?
The place that (haunts/taunts) you in your dreams.
Pulls you in, with plastered grins,
but you could never quite believe.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

I know some parts of this may sound a bit cliched, but it is still in a quite rough form. As much advice as you can give me would be great. c4c of course.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 5, 2008,
#2
Dude I love the feel of these lyrics, they seem alot like the upbeat stuff my band likes, I just wish writers block wasn't crippling my ability to write!

good job here

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#3
Quote by Skaliveson
v1:
Are you ready for the charge?
With your doubts and your fears at large,
Just join the fray, like everyday.
How many times are you gonna say:
i don't understand really what you're trying to say, and i have a distaste for this rhyme scheme, the AA BB. too sing-songy.

Pre-Ch:
Hey, Woah! Here we go!
Always fight against the flow.
And as we look to and fro,
we're bound to see that we're all alone.
the first two lines are catchy, the third one isn't so appealing, but the last line is true.

Ch:
So out of the dark,
and out of the old,
away from the common
and into the bold.
Now knowing what I am sold,
and seeing what I am told,
I'm bound to be a no-show.
the old, or the cold? catchy chorus, but the fifth line and everything after that just doesn't make sense to me.

v2:
It's a little bit ironic,
just how you're so iconic.
While the world is spinning down,
and crashing right into the ground.
don't like this one bit. trying too hard to rhyme, maybe?

Solo

v3:
Haven't you ever seen it?
The place that you've never been.
The spot you've always glimpsed in dreams,
but could never quite fit in.
this is nice. see? it's not AA BB, it's ABCB. better.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

I know some parts of this may sound a bit cliched, but it is still in a quite rough form. As much advice as you can give me would be great. c4c of course.


(;
s'all i could do. crit for crit? song's called A Love Song (KBP).
#4
Radiocure, I'll see what I can do to fix up that rhyme scheme. It is a slightly slower song in the verses, so it doesn't come across as too sing songy. I see what you mean though.

The end part of the chorus is basically about uncovering truth, or revealing the lies that you are fed. Knowing what people really sell to you, or seeing for yourself what you hear, you know? The last line is just saying that once you experience that, you might not support those who are lying to you.

I know that explanation is a bit convoluted in itself. Sorry.
#5
Quote by Skaliveson
v1:
Are you ready for the charge?
With your doubts and your fears at large,
Omit the secord rep of "your". It messes with the flow.
Just join the fray, like everyday.
Good internal rhyme.
How many times are you gonna say:

Pre-Ch:
Hey, Woah! Here we go!
I don't want to be too rough, since you said it's cliche, but this is REALLY cliche.
Always fight against the flow.
And as we look to and fro,
"Look" doesn't fill the bill here. You need another syllable, and a stronger word. Maybe "fight it", to get a nice internal link. Since it'd be a continuation of the previous thought/line, it might not sound like it's rhyming with itself.
we're bound to see that we're all alone.

Ch:
So out of the dark,
and out of the old,
You mean "cold"?
away from the common
"Common" sticks out here. A tad too long, but not incredibly damaging.
and into the bold.
Now knowing what I am sold,
and seeing what I am told,
I'm bound to be a no-show.
Your switch to a longer meter is fairly smooth. I think the "old" rhyme should be cut off at this point, though, and I don't dig the three-line setup. Continuing from the previous meter, you're pretty much forced to go with four lines, unless you did an oddly broken triplet.

v2:
It's a little bit ironic,
just how you're so iconic.
While the world is spinning down,
and crashing right into the ground.
The last line is the only one with poor flow. "Right" feels like it's tacked on, but really, what follows is lacking the building blocks of any rhythmic structure: sense stress.

Solo

v3:
Haven't you ever seen it?
The contraction ruins the flow. Remove it (don't split it up).
The place that you've never been.
"That" should be removed.
The spot you've always glimpsed in dreams,
but could never quite fit in.
The last line had a poor flow.

Pre-Chorus
Chorus

I know some parts of this may sound a bit cliched, but it is still in a quite rough form. As much advice as you can give me would be great. c4c of course.


It needs some touching up, regarding flow. The only real damage done to the flow was by word selection.
#6
this seems like it could be either a pop-like Okay-Goish song or garage rock, I'd like to know the genre, this seems like something out of the ordinary with the writings of yours I've seen... that aside, it's got a few flow issues but there's nothing I see that hasn't already been mentioned therefore I'll leave it at that but it doesn't really take away from the piece...
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#7
Thanks for the comment. On yours; try to break away from those forced rhymes, they only make the song less attractive. I used to do that too and honestly, by the end of the song even I had no damn clue what the hell I was trying to say. Some rhyme is good, but content and meaning comes first.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
v1:
Are you ready for the charge?
With your doubts and your fears at large,
Just join the fray, like everyday.
How many times are you gonna say:

Pre-Ch:
Hey, Woah! Here we go!
Always fight against the flow.
And as we look to and fro,
we're bound to see that we're all alone.
dump that.
it messes with the rhythm
and it's just clutter.
throw a comma after see
for display on the page, if you like.


Ch:
So out of the dark,
and out of the old,
away from the common
and into the bold.
Now knowing what I am sold,
meaning is unclear.
awareness of what goods have been sold to you?
or that you've sold out?
something else?
this, unlike many ambiguities
is unpleasant.

and seeing what I am told,
often misuse of senses adds to the charm
not so, here.

I'm bound to be a no-show.

v2:
It's a little bit ironic,
just how you're so iconic.
this sticks out like a lazy attempt
to rhyme ironic with iconic.
try to do more with this pair.

While the world is spinning down,
and crashing right into the ground.
probably dump and.
maybe change right into to simply to.
less is more, if you can make the rhythm work.


Solo

v3:
Haven't you ever seen it?
if you must keep this,
remove the negative from have
and place it on ever,
making it never.
it makes this thought more direct.

The place that you've never been.
to avoid repeating never,
you haven't
you have not
you've not
are all options.

The spot you've always glimpsed in dreams,
i dislike both spot and glimpsed in that line.
but could never quite fit in.
re-think this last pair,
especially the penultimate.
or the entire verse, for that matter.
the thought isn't bad,
but the execution is wordy.



Pre-Chorus
Chorus
Meadows
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#9
Quote by Skaliveson
v1:
Are you ready for the charge?
With your doubts and your fears at large,

As has been said, remove the "your"


Just join the fray, like everyday.
How many times are you gonna say:

Pre-Ch:
Hey, Woah! Here we go!
Always fight against the flow.
And as we look to and fro,
we're bound to see that we're all alone.

Not sure about that last line, it seems rather drawn-out and long, maybe, as has also been said, remove the "that"


Ch:
So out of the dark,
and out of the old,
away from the common

I actually think common works - it sticks out slightly, but in a good way.

and into the bold.
Now knowing what I am sold,
and seeing what I am told,
I'm bound to be a no-show.

v2:
It's a little bit ironic,
just how you're so iconic.
While the world is spinning down,
and crashing right into the ground.

Meh, not sure what you're getting at here, seems a bit vague and meaningless I'm afraid.

Solo

v3:
Haven't you ever seen it?

Again, "have you never seen it" works much better

The place that you've never been.

Maybe "That place you've never been" - not perfect English, but it just flows better

The spot you've always glimpsed in dreams,
but could never quite fit in.


Pre-Chorus
Chorus



There you go. My one is on the board, Perfect Catch. Cheers
#10
Hey ! Not to be harsh with you, but since were criticizing each other's pieces in a while, I'm confidant to say to you that this is weak... Probably you wanted it catchy, if so, good work, I believe you got it, looks like a MTV song (I'm saying this in a good way ok?). On the other hand I didn't feel anything while reading this, you transmited me no feeling at all, that's why I'm saying it's weak. Maybe I'm the one who didn't get your point of view, and there's something deep in here, idk...

Hey, I'll keep reading from you !
#11
Quote by eadgtotheend
this seems like it could be either a pop-like Okay-Goish song or garage rock, I'd like to know the genre, this seems like something out of the ordinary with the writings of yours I've seen... that aside, it's got a few flow issues but there's nothing I see that hasn't already been mentioned therefore I'll leave it at that but it doesn't really take away from the piece...


This one, my band actually did a rough recording of, but it is in the wrong format for Ultimate-Guitar, so I can't show ya... I'd say its a bit more garage-y than poppy.

And to everybody, I edited a few parts of the song, just let me know if it is for the better or worse. I tried to fix a few of the rhythmic/flow errors, but I don't know how well I did. Just trust me that they work for the song.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Jul 5, 2008,
#12
I like it quite a bit, but the first half of the 3rd verse seems a bit out of place for some reason.
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#13
I feel that way sometimes. I'd def refine it more to where it conveys the message to where others understand it the way you do, which seems to be the only real problem. Don't change it too much though, in my experience too much editing takes away from the actual feelings. Just my .02. Keep writing.

I wrote "rot". My first post actually..
#16
Not too keen on this. Its certainly a good song, just not up to the standards that I have witnessed from you.