#1
I need help with this one. Feels too blunt in the beginning. c4c. Getting back to people on my last one soon.


I write sonnets about how much sonnets blow,
and I still can't get the form to work.
Discard flow, rhythm, and rhyme
for quirky thoughts and half-assed lines.

Look at structure as a plague;
destroying creativity,
Look at structure like disease,
decreasing pen activities.

I non-conform like everyone else,
except I don't write bad poetry...
I keep a life-changing journal with line breaks.
#2
Quote by ZanasCross
I need help with this one. Feels too blunt in the beginning. c4c. Getting back to people on my last one soon.


I write sonnets about how much sonnets blow,
and I still can't get the form to work.
Discard flow, rhythm, and rhyme
for quirky thoughts and half-assed lines.

I see what you mean about the blunt introduction. But it does set a certain theme that is nicely broken steadily as you read on. I thought it was quirky the way you used unusual langauge and expressions. But mostly I enjoyed the way you placed rhyme second in the third line, to reiterate I guess the oddness and disdain for often degrading structures. I'm not sure thats what you had in mind, but I'm happy with it.


Look at structure as a plague;
destroying creativity,
Look at structure like disease,
decreasing pen activities.

Try reorganizing the first and third lines. Say the same thing but maybe it could be alltered a little, you know, to be something even better? You probably know better though.


I non-conform like everyone else,
except I don't write bad poetry...
I keep a life-changing journal with line breaks.

Perfect ending, this is the best bit. I can't fault it personally. Or its more, I don't want to and thats a good sign if you ask me.



This was very good. Humorous and quirky, just like your other stuff, so I enjoyed it! It needs tweaking I'm sure but I think thats best left for others, and yourself of course.
Hope I helped at least a little.
#3
Quote by ZanasCross
I need help with this one. Feels too blunt in the beginning. c4c. Getting back to people on my last one soon.


I write sonnets about how much sonnets blow,
and I still can't get the form to work.
Discard flow, rhythm, and rhyme
for quirky thoughts and half-assed lines.

I do agree, it is kind of blunt, but I like it because it is querky.

Look at structure as a plague;
destroying creativity,
Look at structure like disease,
decreasing pen activities.

I like the way you describe how structure hurts the writing and creativity, pretty clear description.

I non-conform like everyone else,
except I don't write bad poetry...
I keep a life-changing journal with line breaks.

I'm not very good at poetry or anything, but for some reason, the rythym doesn't seem right. Is it supposed to be that way? But, yes, I think it's good writing indeed.

Overall:

I like your writing style, it's simple and fresh. This one I enjoyed very much. I'm not the best at critiquing, but I hope I gave some kind of insight.




//
#4
I'm taking this as a dig at me as it has to be more than mere coincidence that all of the lines are directed at someone in my current position. I'm also taking this as a piece not about me, but just a quick ars-poetic blurb with some pretty interesting rhythm. I've read it as both. I laughed a lot while reading it as both. So, good job, it works for what it is.

#5
It wasn't at you Dylan... it actually came out of my piece for the sonnet comp being about how much I hate writing sonnets... and then the section at the end came to me today randomly while I was thinking about the fact that all emo-kids non-conform the same.

I wouldn't take a pot-shot on you Dyl. If I was gonna do something, I'd call you out straight up. You know I can't be subtle for crap.
#6
hehe, but it's fun to read yourself into other's works, and (especially) the last two lines were really easy to do that with. It's also fun to think of yourself as inspiration no matter how narcissistic it is. Oh well, better luck next time. Hell, maybe your next piece can be about me? Please? Pwease Zackkary?

Nevertheless, I liked it, and the flow was pretty snappy. However, I do wish that you made some sort of statement (couplet or whatever) at the end, contrasting what "you" (the narrator) write to what "you" think it should be/should do.

Didnt mean to offend you by the by. You are fresh as a bag of oranges in a farmer's market, really.
#7
Quote by ZanasCross
Feels too blunt in the beginning.
i tend to agree.
I write sonnets about how much sonnets blow,

you could break it into two lines
to soften it
in the first, mention that your the sort to write sonnets
wait until the second to mention what the sonnets are about.
embellish to taste.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
"about the fact that all emo-kids non-conform the same"
And all the haters criticize the same ;]

As for the piece:
As Sirdylan said, it was effective for what it was. That being said, what it was wasn't much, and I can't see myself remembering this in a week's time.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#9
The beginning is perfect - it's the ending that's not blunt enough. I was a little surprised at the way you let loose in the first stanza. In this perspective you're being hypocritical in the second stanza. The last two stanzas go back to your normal style - and though I thought the change was cool, maybe we could see a little more of your reckless side?
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
I think this is just one of those pieces you have to come up with every once in a while, sort of a virgin offering to the "why the hell do I go through with this?" that lingers in the back of the mind. Not without value, certainly important, but not the sort of thing you spend a lot of time refining.

Just my two cents.