#1
Brevity

I can here you stutter
in behind those tin walls
with the sin that lies vacant,
desperately trying to reign.

I can feel your stutter
while curious and flustered.
Our desires are blistered,
together in our bitterness

If this romance
is confined to a cavity,
will I still be able to
live inside its brevity?

Tell me where did
our friendship begin?

Innocence is absent
in your all grown up tongue.
I could lavish in its corrupt core,
forever, never in speech

When did it all begin?
When is it going to end?

Fitted in your cuddle arms
I remain your charmless;
ready for your return,
hammer in hand.

Tell me where does
our friendship end?

I can here you stutter
in behind those tin walls
that never lets you sin,
desperately trying to perfume
a new breath for your throat.
Your scented sins
drifting throughout my mind,
paving the way for the new.

But I'm still waiting for you,
that little girl I know.
But I'm still building for you,
that little lady I knew.


Hope people like this. Its a little disturbing but its very real to me, no matter how perculiar it may seem to others. Thank you.

Digitally Clean.
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 2, 2008,
#2
I liked a lot of this. There are parts though... they just trip over themselves. I'll go through and highlight what I didn't like... but know there was a lot I did.


Quote by angrygoldfish

I can here you stutter
in behind those tin walls
with the sin that lies vacant,
desperately trying to repute.

Repute is such an ugly word. On first read, I stopped right there and was like.. oh no.

I can feel your stutter
while curious and flustered.
Our desires are blistered,
even though I'm still your Mr.
even though I still
miss your
bitterness.

Everything after blister could go imo. It just loses any sense of intensity in favor of word play. It doesn't fit. First, right out Mister. Second, the Miss your, just missed (bah-da- CHA) me. Change it around and lose the word play... its too cutesy for the topic at hand and the way you are approaching it. It made me want to go Aww like I just saw a tiny kitten trip on its tale and not be ready to stomp a bitch, like I should be

If this romance
is confined to a cavity,
will I still be able to
live inside its brevity?

Tell me where did
our friendship begin?

Innocence is absent
in your “all grown up” tongue.
I could lavish in its corrupt core,
forever, never in speech

Lose the quotes, make it "in your grown up tongue." All one line, no gimmick, just straight up, but with the same idea behind it.


I know I want you,
but your pale skin
needs you blond
and fair inside your room

Ugh, this was bad. There isn't anyway around it. There is no place for this here. It doesn't have anything in it to further the characters... its just restating what we've already understood... and hte pale/blonde adds nothing that it needed for the piece.

When did it all begin?
When is it going to end?

Fitted in your cuddle arms
I remain your charmless;
ready for your return,
hammer in hand

Tell me where does
our friendship end?

I can here you stutter
in behind those tin walls
that never lets you sin,
desperately trying to perfume
a new breath for your throat.
Your scented sins
drifting throughout my mind,
paving the way for the new.

But I'm still waiting for you,
that little girl I know.
But I'm still building for you,
that little lady I knew.



Very good piece mate.
#3
Brevity

I can here you stutter *hear(?)
in behind those tin walls
in behind is a weird combo, like two locations
contradicting each other.

with the sin that lies vacant,
desperately trying to reign.

I can feel your stutter
Like the repetition here, as I've always liked the
word 'stutter' in poetry/lyrics for some reason.

while curious and flustered.
Our desires are blistered,
together in our bitterness

If this romance
is confined to a cavity,
will I still be able to
live inside its brevity?

This is awesome, such a pure image that makes
me picture many things and nothing at the same time
in a very pleasing way.


Tell me where did
our friendship begin?

Innocence is absent
in your all grown up tongue.
I could lavish in its corrupt core,
forever, never in speech

When did it all begin?
When is it going to end?

Nothing really stuck out to me here.

Fitted in your cuddle arms
I remain your charmless;
Interesting twisting of parts of speech.
ready for your return,
hammer in hand.

Tell me where does
our friendship end?

I can here you stutter
in behind those tin walls
that never lets you sin,
desperately trying to perfume
a new breath for your throat.
Your scented sins
drifting throughout my mind,
paving the way for the new.

More amazing imagery, no suggestions here.


But I'm still waiting for you,
that little girl I know.
But I'm still building for you,
that little lady I knew.

This last part seems like filling,
with no big importance in the piece
as a whole. I'd rather see it end on
the paving the way note instead.



As always you have a very interesting style of writing, which for some reason I feel like calling Digitally Clean (not sure where I got that term from). You make great use of line breaks in some places, such as in the second stanza, but in other places it's a bit choppy, such as in the third stanza. I enjoyed the wordage throughout the whole thing though, nice one.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 2, 2008,
#4
BTW Zack, or anyone, I can't find anything to replace "bitterness" in the second verse. I'm stuck for ideas. It doesn't have to be a word that has the same meaning, I just need a little more inspiration.
Also, I couldn't think of anything better to replace the word "repute" in the beginning after just sending it through the Thesauras and seeing what came out. So any help on that would be great. (The word "reign" was what I found)
Thanks for the comments so far lads.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 2, 2008,
#6
Quote by ZanasCross
Yeah, repute has to go... but reign doesn't fit. http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/repute

As far as bitterness... I liked it.

What's your name mate?


Good, I'm glad you liked the bitterness section. Cheers.

I'll keep looking throughout different Thesaurus' and see what I can find.

My is Dan or Daniel, don't matter. I assume from the people talking to you that your name was Zack, is that right? I would hate to be calling you it and I'm misinformed?!
#8
I genuinely loved this piece. The wordplay and diction was nothing but intense. The "confined to a cavity//live inside its brevity" section was brilliant. Overall, it did have a bit of the creepy feeling you mentioned, but that is part of what made it so good.
#9
Brevity

I can here you stutter *hear
in behind those tin walls
with the sin that lies vacant,
desperately trying to reign.
Really like this first stanza
I would get rid of "in"


I can feel your stutter
while curious and flustered.
Our desires are blistered,
together in our bitterness
Not too keen on bitterness. I've been racking my brain to come up with a substitute but haven't been able to come up with one sorry.

If this romance
is confined to a cavity,
will I still be able to
live inside its brevity?
Love this part

Tell me where did
our friendship begin?

Innocence is absent
in your all grown up tongue.
I could lavish in its corrupt core,
forever, never in speech
I would get rid of the "all". Just doesn't seem to gel with the rest of the stanza

When did it all begin?
When is it going to end?

Fitted in your cuddle arms
I remain your charmless;
ready for your return,
hammer in hand.
Just can't get my head around this. What are you trying to convey

Tell me where does
our friendship end?

I can here you stutter
in behind those tin walls
that never lets you sin,
desperately trying to perfume
a new breath for your throat.
Your scented sins
drifting throughout my mind,
paving the way for the new.

But I'm still waiting for you,
that little girl I know.
But I'm still building for you,
that little lady I knew.

Other than what I've written. Really enjoyed it