#1
i kind of had to force this out, but i'm reasonably pleased with it. it's been a while since my last thread here, kind of had some writer's block i guess. anyway, crit for crit.

nightlights

the streets were lined with gold.
i swear they painted over the pavement with polyurethane
because i don’t think my feet were touching the ground.

your car was roasting in the student parking lot,
wasting gas at four dollars a gallon.
(four dollars from our parents’ wallets.)
i glided into the passenger’s side, laughing.

we drove around for hours,
awash in neon lights.
advertisements for life insurance, retirement plans,
things we knew we’d never need.
things we thought we knew we’d never need.

you dropped me off fifteen minutes after curfew.
my parents were asleep,
but i like to think they wouldn’t have minded anyway.
i floated into bed, laughing,
and fell asleep with my light on.
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#2
The third stanza did a great deal for me, i like the vivid imagery it gives, neon lights alway do stuff for me, though i found the whole piece pretty interesting, it got my attention and held it, well done

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#3
Hey, Thanks for getting to mine. I was gonna really break this down... but it would just be a repetitive crit so I'll just give you an "indepth comment"

There is a certain simplicity to this that is refreshing. There was a lot to like here... a relatable idea taken on in a unique way... it was all pretty good. What bothered me was the mix of "psychedelic" imagery with a very down to earth story. Sometimes that can work wonders, here it just seemed to steal the reality out from under hte piece. There was a great deal of believability to this... in fact it was the pieces saving grace... and using ideas such as "coating in polyurethane" and "feet never touched" really break out of this gritty and real little story and take it to the clouds. I hated the "glided into" line. It was just bland as all hell. The neon lights stanza stood out a lot. It was much better than the rest of the piece, and honestly, made me dislike the rest of the piece more than I should have... its like seeing the straight A kid hanging out with the kdis that never pass a class... it makes you want more out of the failures. I can see the repetiton of floated... it just doesn't work for me. Floated is too wishy-washy of a verb... something more direct and pointed would work better form my view.

All that said, it was still a pleasant read and a refresing look at a simple situation.

-zC
#4
Quote by Fugazirancid
i kind of had to force this out, but i'm reasonably pleased with it. it's been a while since my last thread here, kind of had some writer's block i guess. anyway, crit for crit.

nightlights

the streets were lined with gold.
i swear they painted over the pavement with polyurethane
because i don’t think my feet were touching the ground.

Writers block is garbage eh? Holy Jesus, Buddha, Allah, this is a strong opening. I like the language you use, all the right words. I can't get over this, so damn good images are coming into my head when I think about this bit.

your car was roasting in the student parking lot,
wasting gas at four dollars a gallon.
(four dollars from our parents’ wallets.)
i glided into the passenger’s side, laughing.

Take out the bracketed line, it makes it sound a little too juvenile, unless you're going for that. Again, this is damn good, I can kind of see it happening.

we drove around for hours,
awash in neon lights.
advertisements for life insurance, retirement plans,
things we knew we’d never need.
things we thought we knew we’d never need.

Take out the last line, or shorten it or something, it's bugging me loads. But the first lines, you've found a new way to twist out simplicity. As ZanasCross said (who's name escapes me at the moment), there is a large amount of believability to this whole piece.

you dropped me off fifteen minutes after curfew.
my parents were asleep,
but i like to think they wouldn’t have minded anyway.
i floated into bed, laughing,
and fell asleep with my light on.

Ahhhh, great end! This part's more poetic than it is song like. Though I can't tell what you're going for. Last two lines feel good, make me feel like you're about to have a really great dream...


So writers block didn't really stop you from writing this did it? The piece overall, was good, I can see this happening to someone, it seems like how I'd describe a date or sometihng similar to someone. The simplicity level was turned to a medium, and you just belted out an amazing story of what a night should be like. Thank you.

Crit mine?
"Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?"
Should be on the first page there.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.