#1
I dont know what the hell this is...



she spits diamonds at your feet
like stars strewn across the street
she lays stars near your feet
close in appearence, but lightyears from your street
she shines light on your feet
dim light
cast over the menu
"can I take your order?"
"take it or leave it."
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#2
The ending was moving in the right direction. Your repetition was interesting, if rough. Because of that I'd seriously recommend you try your hand at writing a villanelle. It's pretty cool type of poem that utilizes two refrains--check it out

Another thing you might want to look at is the usefulness of punctuation. I'll try nagging my friend into posting an article she wrote about it--If I remember, I'll shoot you a PM once it's up.


At any rate, as a whole, this wasn't the strongest piece, but it showed potential. Work on either cutting out repetitions or using them in creative and breathtaking ways--basically, if something you're using's been done before, and if you're not improving it significantly with your version, then just don't use it. Or rather, think about it in a different way. Try to get a new perspective on it, so you can give old cliches new, personal spins.

But now I'm just rambling XD.

All the best,
Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#3
thanks for such a lucid, in depth answer. would you say getting a grasp on form can be done just through reading, or is there some kind of 'rulebook', oh and why did you like the ending?
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah.
#4
To really grasp a form, you have to write in it. It can be a bitch, but it's definitely worth it in the end. However, to write in it, you definitely have to start by reading--both about the form's rules, and then examples of pieces in that form. The "rulebook" is more of a book of guidelines, since--unless you're in a contest--the only score that matters is the effectiveness of the piece; that is, all rules can be bent or broken if necessary. But if you are looking for the guidelines to Villanelles, that link I provided should be of some help. It's the underlined "check it out" in my previous post.


As for the ending, it attempting to draw in both the title and some actual concrete, definite meaning to the piece. It wasn't the most effective bit, but like I said, it was certainly a step in the right direction.


I'll be watching out for your stuff.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.