#1
ots.
experimenting with something a little different.
dunno if i'll do any more with this or just leave it.
enjoy.


Skid Row Diary

Stupid.
Should have seen it coming.
An ostrich with his head is the sand
still has his ass vulnerable.
All those months of
bologna sandwiches and ramen
were for naught.
Not enough time borrowed
Not enough bills paid.
They catch up with you, eventually.

I thought it would be
like watching dominoes fall.
Quick, but you could witness
the amusement of the chain reaction.
Instead, it was like a house of cards.
Abrubt. Disappointing finality.

In a small way
being on the streets
is liberating.
One day without power
before they padlocked
my apartment
was enough.
That place was an oven
without so much as a fan.
Maybe i should have paid
a few months on the cell phone.
Nah, i wouldn't have anywhere
to recharge the damned thing,
and who would want to
talk to a loser, anyway.

At least there are the shelters at night,
and the soup kitchens.
Not great, but better than ramen.
Smelly clientele, though.
Those places reeked
of unwashed bodies
even before
I walked in the door

Should have
planned this better.
Decades away retirement.
No way i'll sponge off relatives
or the government.
Never been like that,
no reason to start now.
I probably won't last long.
My health is already
becoming a problem.
Maybe i can hang on
for a few months,
or even years.

Really wish i'd
given more thought
to making a will.
At least i have
some money tied up
in retirement investments.
Having a legacy
is better than
leaving no mark at all.
But the least deserving
will surely find a way
to get the most of that,
and the few i'd like to help
will get less.

Coulda woulda shoulda
bought a gun
while i had the money
Plenty of options there.
One round
through the temple
could make for a quick exit,
if it ever came to that.
And a robbery or two
would have brought
some sorely needed
cash and excitement.

Forget the liquor store.
Those bastards would rather
shoot than look at you.
But a bank
might have been fun.
And if it went wrong,
I could have just given up.
Prisoners eat better than i do.
and their clothes are clean.
Why the hell did i
spend all those months
living like the working poor,
when there was such an easy way
to have so much more?

Hell, maybe i can
find a way out of this.
Get back to
a more normal life.
At least long enough
to tie up some loose ends
and plan it out better
for next time.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jul 4, 2008,
#2
Very prosaic. That being said, I wouldn't tell you to make it into prose. It had it's own kind of charm with the line breaks.

Now, this is rather more drawn-out than my tastes call for, but that is just that, I suppose; an issue of taste. I would prefer it condensed somewhat, to increase its brevity. Another kind-of-issue I took with this was the obvious disregard for capitalizing--it really is just a gimmick. You can argue that it's a stylistic thing, and your point would be perfectly valid. But I still say that it's a gimmick, and I'd just as soon see it go.

All in all, an effective--if not wildly memorable--good piece. I enjoyed the read, and it was refreshing.

All the best,
Ed.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#3
That's deep man and theres a lot of truth in it. It really touches home with me. I volunteer at a helping up missions once every other month or so, and it's so true what happens to thousands of people across the nation. Good people.
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Patrick
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#4
I liked it. It put me off with its prosaic form, but then it became more natural, although not always successful. As far as the storyline, I thought it was fantastic. "Shoulda got a gun / More options there" was great.
#5
wow, this actually brought back bad memories.
i thought this was so relatable, SYK. dunno if this is the truth or not(i hope to God it isn't).
it's almost...."weird" to read something like this from you. the second stanza was by far my favorite; it's so down to earth.
don't worry about getting to mine, as this was nothing more than complimentary.
take it easy, man.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
I really liked this because the imagery is so good, you really feel the struggle. The 3rd stanza was my personal favorite. Overall, very good. Peace.
#7
Overall, I liked it. I wish there had been more of a change in the tone as the character went on in time (I'm assuming it was intended to seem written a bit like a diary, with entries coming as new events pass). A stronger feel of emotion would have been nice too.

But, taken as it is, I liked the form you used, and a lot of the phrasing (and insight) was great. The stanza about buying a gun was my favorite, I think.
#8
I agree with Kent that it's a very different style for you, and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Everything contributes to the depressing feeling, from choice of words to line breaks. If you want a full crit let me know so I can set aside an hour or two

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go counter this piece with a short one of my own.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
Ed,
yeah, busted.
i've gotten into the habit of no caps while conversing in deference to someone i dearly love.
i omit them in certain pieces when appropriate.
this piece could have gone either way,
the main reason they weren't there was laziness on my part.
i've put them in to see how it looks, for a while.

Jax,
glad you liked it.
but be careful when addressing the subject matter rather than the writing itself.
not really a big problem when it's positive and just in passing,
but it can lead to a thread turning into a debate.
that could divert attention from the writing itself.
and improving the writing,
regardless of your opinion of the message,
is the whole point to this forum.

Nin,
thanks.
i expected the form would take some getting accustomed to.
some will embrace it,
others, not-so-much.

Kent,
not exactly truth.
perhaps a prophecy.
we'll see how it plays out.

Ska,
thanks for the input.
if i do decide to expand this,
i might try to incorporate a tone shift.
that would probably have to come
in a section appended to the beginning.
by the time we get to what is now S2,
the mood needs to be pragmatic.

Jake,
thanks, but save the heavy artillery for later.
i might have a song in me, yet.
i'll need someone to piss on it thoroughly
and you probably get me more than anyone else here, Kenny.

thanks,
Jim.

*chuckles at everyone trying to figure out the name references*

Zach,
thanks, man. fixed.
Meadows
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