#1
Ok, I know this isn't my best but, it deals with very real subjects. Kind of a poem really.

Recently we've become attention sluts
And so deep in debt, stuck in our ruts
As thought dissolves to fetal dust
We sit in our E-Z chairs until we rust

All our lives are cesspools of smut
Consuming our weight from doors that never shut
A man only worries about his next score
In a motel room on a dirty bed with a filthy w**re

When we die where do we go
Eternal bliss or to reap what we sow
Do we stay underground to lay and rot
Or do we press the button that says restart?

Love today is only a generalized term
Mixed with lust, and it makes me squirm
Women using sex to achieve their desires
Keeps making that money and never tires.

The Decline of Western Civilization
The signs of a crumbling nation
Driven by power and greed, lust and deciet
It's the Decline of Western Civilization
Last edited by takana456 at Aug 7, 2008,
#2
If this isn't you're best I want to see what is, I like it, it's true and I can't find anything really to complain about, I don't care much for stanza two but the others are good, congrats...
My Music:
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#3
Quote by takana456
Ok, I know this isn't my best but, it deals with very real subjects. Kind of a poem really.

Recently we've become attention sluts
And so deep in debt, stuck in our ruts
As thought dissolves to fetal dust
Sitting in our E-Z chair until we rust
The AABB rhyme isn't my favorite way to go, but it works out okay here. Right off the bat, I have to say that I like the last line in this section.

All our lives are ses-pools of smut
Consuming our weight from doors that never shut
A man only worries about his next score
In a motel room on a dirty bed with a filthy w**re
Nothing stand-out-ish here, the last line seems to have way too many syllables.

When we die where do we go
Eternal bliss or to reap what we sow
Do we stay underground to lay and rot
Or do we press the button that says restart?
This is great, very cool analysis of a lot of religions.

Love today is only a generalized term
Mixed with lust, and it makes me squirm
Women using sex to achieve their desires
Keeps making that money and never tires.
I am not sure if I like how you switched from 'we' to 'me' here, you didn't really have an option, but I liked the concept of addressing the issue as a group. I think you need a better conclusion. Maybe switch the last two sections, the other one is much more impressionable, and has a greater sense of finality.

c4c?


Overall, very real and very true.
#4
Quote by takana456
Ok, I know this isn't my best but, it deals with very real subjects. Kind of a poem really.

Recently we've become attention sluts
And so deep in debt, stuck in our ruts
As thought dissolves to fetal dust
Sitting in our E-Z chair until we rust

I think the flow here needs some working on. On the first line you should add "all" after "we've". Even though the meaning is implied, it adds some emphasis to line and stanza. On the second line, move "And" from the beginning to after "debt". To flow the third line into the fourth, add "We" before "Sitting"

'We sit in our E-Z chairs until we rust'


All our lives are ses-pools of smut
Consuming our weight from doors that never shut
A man only worries about his next score
In a motel room on a dirty bed with a filthy w**re

Your "ses-pool" should be spelled "cesspool"...It feels like you're limiting your meter for some one who doesn't seem to be trying very hard But this stanza seems to be alright, can't really bug this one out

When we die where do we go
Eternal bliss or to reap what we sow
Do we stay underground to lay and rot
Or do we press the button that says restart?

Nice!!!!!

Love today is only a generalized term
Mixed with lust, and it makes me squirm
Women using sex to achieve their desires
Keeps making that money and never tires.

Another good stanza

c4c?



The first couple stanzas had a few flow issues, then it picked up nicely.
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#5
Thank you all. I know you probably wont read this but I appericiate it very much
#6
dude that was very good, I'm not some literature genius or a great writer, but if that wasn't your best for godsake what is, cause this blew me away.
Gods Favorite Little Asshole
#7
well done....i seem to be the only one that really dug the second stanza...mainly the last two lines
"A man only worries about his next score
In a motel room on a dirty bed with a filthy w**re"
regardless of syllables its awesome... a good singer could make it work

well done, i'd really want to hear it played...did you have any particular style in mind?

i know i didn't contribute too much but if you want to crit mine you can go right ahead
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911164