#1
ok so this is the first song i wrote in this style so be gentle
i just wanna know what i need to work on
its not completed yet, but this is the beginning

ive been meaning to escape these shadows
daydreaming through the night
some would call this a prison
an ive learned to call them right


(spoken like poetry)
im starin at this spiral staircase
that just climbs an climbs into darkness
i race to walk around it, but it
just pulls me in like a, magnet
and i step on the first step
to realize that its glass
an each following step are merely mirrors
just, reflecting my past
all ghosts, an skeletons, an ghosts, an ghosts
screaming insanities, shrieking,
an screaming so loud, i run, climbing the stairs so fast
staring at the mirrors an i, i laugh


i laugh, i laugh, i laugh, i laugh

i screamed, i know where i am
an i know what ive been
and i know what i am
an i know, nothing...


we shot the guns from our fort
to the sound of the cannons
they spilt fire on us,
from the sky, like demons
an swung their blade so fast,
it cut, my ass, in half...
but i laughed an i laughed an i laughed


aha ha ha
#3
Quote by Black Swan
an each following step are merely mirrors
just, reflecting my past


This needs to be either

each following step is merlely a mirror

or

each of the following steps are merely mirrors


other than that, try counting the syllables and working on the flow.
__________________

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Patrick
4jacks
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#4
I think you could spice a lot of the descriptions up. "like a magnet" is one that stuck out; its really obvious and doesn't bring any deeper meaning into what you are saying. I think your style would benefit from focusing on the meaning and impact of your descriptions. Keep writing, thanks for the comment.
"To be matter-of-fact about the world is to blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the real world is strange and wonderful." - Robert A. Heinlein